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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister saved my son, accident

198 replies

Incrediblyguilty · 19/05/2023 21:34

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 19/05/2023 23:54

OP we have all had those moments of losing sight of a child, then thankfully finding them a few minutes later. This was a terrible accident, your sister must have been caught by the current , it isn’t anyone’s fault. When your son is older , tell him what happened, he won’t blame you.
It must be heartbreaking seeing your sister so changed and feeling responsible, I really feel for you. It is so painful just to read.
Forgive yourself , understand that accidents happen, that the pain of remorse is terrible and your sister wouldn’t want you to suffer like this, she loves you very much.

Daffodilmorning · 19/05/2023 23:54

I’m so sorry, that must be incredibly difficult to deal with Flowers

It was an accident though, not something you should feel guilty about. Your sister acted out of love for your son. She was brave and wonderful and is still here, as much as her injuries may have changed her.

The only thing to do now is to show her the same unconditional love she showed your child.

Aroundthetwist · 19/05/2023 23:59

I agree with what everybody else has said already, it’s such a sad situation but if you let it ruin your life then it will be two lives lost effectively.

From your post, you worry that your sister hates you. I think this is really unlikely - if she has the insight and capacity for emotional thought, it’s far more likely that she loves and misses you and ds.

If she doesn’t have that emotional capability, then your worries are also unfounded. I think perhaps it would be good for you to consider rebuilding your relationship with her in some capacity if possible, perhaps moving closer to her would be beneficial although I’m not a therapist.

Totally separately, my own father has severe cognitive impairment now but we still have a fulfilling and enduring bond even though my relationship with him now is more of a carer than a daughter.

Lots of love xx

reqpir · 20/05/2023 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, this poster is a troll so we have removed their threads and posts.

OllytheCollie · 20/05/2023 00:05

When you say your sister doesn't seem to recognize you or maybe even hates you how much do you know about her degree of brain injury and prognosis?

She doesn't sound as if she is in a minimally conscious state (or if she is my apologies but I trust a doctor has explained to you it is clinically impossible for her to hate you if that is the case). Even in a minimally conscious state patients can make progress and recover cognitive capacity even months or years after their initial injury.

If she is in a more lucid stage of recovery I think the correct response is she is your sister. She is still here. Your feelings of guilt about what happened are denying you and her the chance to have the relationship you both need now. You need to find a way to treat the guilt as what it is: an indulgence you cannot afford. You and your sister need to have a relationship now. Maybe she feels angry, or lonely, or frustrated or confused but she definitely needs her family and her nephew near her more than ever even if that is upsetting and painful.

reqpir · 20/05/2023 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, this poster is a troll so we have removed their threads and posts.

cathcath2 · 20/05/2023 00:09

Oh lovely, as PPs have said, we have all had that horrible moment where you can't see one of the children in your life. Most of us, nothing terrible happens. You have had something terrible happen but it isn't your fault. Get more help and take your son to visit his Auntie. You don't have to tell him a lot of detail just she has had an accident and what her condition is like.

justgettingthroughtheday · 20/05/2023 00:25

I'm so sorry this happened to your family! What a terrible terrible tragedy.
Do you know how much understanding your sister now has? Or whether she is able to remember what happened?
I think you need to be honest about what happened with your son. In an age appropriate manner and possibly with the support of a counsellor for him.
If he wants to see his aunt I would let him and do what you can to prepare him for how she is now. Depending on her situation it may actually be beneficial to your sister too. Particularly if she has any recollection of either what happened or her relationship with your son.
Has she been told that your son survived and was on the beach?

RobertaFirmino · 20/05/2023 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, this poster is a troll so we have removed their threads and posts.

Agreed, I honestly think she has misread the OP, and to be fair, it does include the words 'I miss her". I feel certain we have all got something wrong due to misreading at least once in our lives.

Batalax · 20/05/2023 00:30

What would your sister want?
Would she want your life effectively ruined as well as hers, or would she tell you to forgive yourself and enjoy life again?

I think you know the answer. She did it for love and she would love you enough to want a good future for the nephew/family she loved enough to risk her life for. And your ds needs a happy mum so be that happy mum for her.

Disappointed1 · 20/05/2023 00:30

This is so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please get regular therapy to support you. Please see therapy as part of your everyday life, 6 months therapy isn’t anything in terms of general wellbeing, let alone what you have been through. I’m a therapist and I would recommend you go into at least weekly therapy and see it as a year, two year process if you can. We should ALL be in therapy. I’ve had six years of it and about to embark on another stint.

This was a tragic accident. You need to work through your guilt and loss - the sister you had is gone. A part of you has gone with her. You are completely and understandably traumatised. You need to get better so that you can live again and be present for your son.

Do not move back to the UK out guilt. Do what’s right for your family. Make no major life choices from this position of trauma and guilt.

I think you will need to tell you son the truth but not in a way that he is burdened it. He knows by the way. Not the details, not cognitively but he can feel there’s something wrong. You need to be ok so he can be ok.

wishing you all the best x

BodgerBadgerMashup · 20/05/2023 00:32

OP my sister is sadly dead. I have no kids but she left small children who live with me now. If there was some magic way, I would swap with her in an instant so they could have their mum back.

If the accident had been reversed, I guarantee you she would wish she could swap places. She risked her life to save your son and to protect you from loss. The best you can do is love and protect your boy and enjoy your lives together to the best of your ability to honour that.

FUPAgirl · 20/05/2023 00:34

OP I am truly sorry this happened to your family. I have no real advice except to say please read all these replies and believe them - you were brave posting your story here, but please take heart that everyone is on your side. In AIBU which can be so brutal. Everyone is on your side because this was not your fault. Please try to forgive yourself Flowers

weirdoboelady · 20/05/2023 00:34

May I tell you about some Hindu philosophy, which I might find comforting in your situation? It's based on the notions of karma, which I am sure you have a basic understanding of, and reincarnation. The idea is that we keep reincarnating until we do enough good deeds to reach enlightenment. So some souls are born very advanced and are almost 'there'. You'd think these people might have a very easy life (I expect some of them do!) but that is by no means always the case - sometimes they have to burn off a whole lot of karma, which they can take because their soul is so advanced, but it really gives them a leg up in their final evolution towards perfection. Some advanced souls are born with, or acquire, terrible disabilities or misfortune.

Your sister sounds as if she might be one of these lovely people - an advanced soul who has faced terrible adversity in this life.

This is a very 'child's version', and you may not subscribe to any of these beliefs, but I haven't made it up, it is something that has been explained to me and something that has sometimes been a comfort to me when I hear about situations like this one, making me feel there is some balance in the universe.

And yes, I think it would be lovely for your sister to see your son.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 20/05/2023 00:36

No no my darling it was a terrible, tragic accident. It's not your fault. There but for the grace of god go most of us xxxx

VivaciousRadish · 20/05/2023 00:38

I’m so so sorry this happened

Yfory · 20/05/2023 00:38

FlowersFlowers to you op. I hope that you find in time you'll find a way forward that helps. Much love to you. xx

Greyarea12 · 20/05/2023 00:38

Gosh, I am so sorry this happened. This was a tragic accident. I know you have had counselling, have you tried CBT therapy? I think you would really benefit from it. Try to look at this from another perspective. If this had of been ypur friends story what would you be saying to her about the guilt she feels? Have a look at cbt therapy. You may also benefit from a psychologist.

HermioneKipper · 20/05/2023 00:41

Your post was so full of love and heartbreak that I couldn’t scroll on by OP. I’m so sorry this happened to your family - your sister sounds so wonderful and brave.

What happened is not your fault and a tragic accident. She wouldn’t want you to feel so horribly guilty forever. She clearly loved you and your son very much and I’m sure would do the same again.

Im so sorry, it must be awful missing her so much. I really hope you can find some peace xx

DreamTheMoors · 20/05/2023 00:47

Oh, @Incrediblyguilty -

There’s an old saying:

You’re carrying mountains you should be climbing.

Put it down. It must weigh ten million pounds by now and it isn’t going to change anything. Your sister wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself - would she. Think about that for a minute.

Forgive yourself. Love your sister.
I send you love and peace of mind. ❤️

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 20/05/2023 00:49

Please scroll by if this seems totally inappropriate or not what you need to hear. But the parallel universe theory; ie other universes exist where things happen differently, is comforting to me. So there's a universerve where your sister rescued your son, and you all live happily. Or a universe where she never went into the water at all. But through love, she did, in this time and place only. Much love xx

RobertaFirmino · 20/05/2023 00:49

I completely forgot to say this: OP, men are generally crap at feelings (NAMALT), they are all about practicalities and he is right in that you need to move forward, he just hasn't phrased it very well. I'm willing to bet what he really meant was 'you need to stop beating yourself up for your own sanity, you've suffered enough'.

Do you think you may have PTSD? Yes, your sister has suffered terribly but so have you. Your suffering is equally valid. How would you feel about reading the stories of others who have been a part of dreadful events but survived when others died or incurred life changing injuries? Sometimes, only people who have had similar experiences can truly understand and 'hit the nail on the head'.

For your son's sake, I would start preparing for the time he fully realises what happened that day. There's a chance he might have survivor's guilt himself and he'll need you. If you are able to deal with your own feelings effectively, you'll be in a much better position to guide him through his own

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 20/05/2023 01:32

I’m wondering if you have PTSD and would benefit from treatment for that specifically. I am so sorry, what a tragic story. I know your sister wouldn’t want you to be miserable x

Thoughtful2355 · 20/05/2023 01:35

It was an accident BUT I would blame myself too, how could you not under those circumstances so I know how hard it will be to forgive yourself :(

Unfortunately I don't know if you will ever get over it. Only know that you didn't mean for that to happen and at least your son is ok and alive

Okaaaay · 20/05/2023 01:47

I’m so sorry OP. As a PP says, we all make mistakes like this and most of us get away with them. I’m so so desperately sorry that you and your sister didn’t. You were unlucky that’s all - made a mistake and paid a higher price than most. Your situation is hard - there is losing your sister (as she was) and grieving for her, and the feeling that it was your fault (it wasn’t, it was an accident). Counselling and reframing might help. You have the chance of a life, with your child, and it’s such a gift. Weighing yourself in regrets blame doesn’t serve any of you.