Sister saved my son, accident

[Incrediblyguilty]

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

OP like everybody says, it was a freak accident. You tried to call her back, she didn't hear you. What else could you realistically have done? It's not like you didn't try, or you poured yourself a glass of wine, picked up your novel and carried on enjoying the sun.

Part of your guilt is a way of you trying to take control. It's easier to blame yourself than it is to accept the reality that it was uncontrollable. Knowing a normal, fun day can turn so badly is in some ways impossible to get our heads around when it happens to us (we all know it can, but it actually happening is different). That we sit on the edge of a precipice all the time is so awful that by necessity we turn our backs to the precipice. It's full of random, awful life events. We pretend it can't exist. And then sometimes something happens to some of us where we are forced to stare into it and see someone fall into it. It's random and unfair, and incomprehensible. However, if we take the blame, feel guilty, for that person falling in, then we've taken control. That precipice is no longer random and scary, because we're in charge.

The trouble is that by assuming control, we live a tormented life. There is no peace in guilt.

The way out is to accept that life is very fragile and for a great many things, we don't have control. That's hugely scary at first - HUGELY - but it offers a way to rebalance. It removes the burden of guilt that isn't ours to bear. Nothing can go back to how it was before, but endless suffering is also not necessary.

Finally, to put some perspective on this. Do you know how many parents don't closely watch their kids around water, in public parks etc? Loads. We've all had moments where we get distracted or think they're ok and take our eyes off the ball. And then there are the parents who just don't pay attention in the first place! If what happened to your sister was your fault, it would be a normal outcome to the situation and we'd all have similar stories to tell. We don't.

Tragic story

You may never fully get over the guilt you feel, but it would be good to be able to live with it in greater peace

I have a friend in a slightly similar situation. He made his peace with the situation by doing a lot to support the person who suffered. Your DH is willing to return to UK, which would enable you to visit your DSIS more often. I think that's worth considering

And you could tell your DS that your DSIS suffered brain injury in a swimming accident. That's true. No need to mention the rest if you don't wish to

There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said so I'm just sending a virtual hug xx

However, your sister was at the time, an adult, aware of her abilities, aware of the risks in swimming out to sea, and she chose to do this.

I'm not sure two adults allowing a child to play with a lilo in the sea can be described as 'aware of the risks'

However OP you didn't do this to your sister. You need to move forward.

The OP’s sister hasn’t died.

Sadly, nothing can change the past, @Incrediblyguilty. You have two choices; either forgive yourself and accept what has happened, or stay forever enveloped in the guilt and sadness of what has happened.

Your sister is a hero - what happened was a tragic accident. All she could think about was your boy and making sure he was OK. Sadly, awful things happen to good people.

Try and forgive yourself, for the sake of your son and your lovely sister. Sending you so much love xx

This lovely post sums it up.

My heart absolutely goes out to you. How tragic. You’re going to be heartbroken, that’s totally natural.

I’ve been going through counselling recently and one point is that as adults we are all responsible for our decisions. Your sister decided to swim out in search for her nephew. It was absolutely heroic of her, and it was her decision. Sadly it went horribly wrong. It’s fairly pointless to say you shouldn’t carry on feeling this guilt because you can’t just switch it off, but it wasn’t your fault, or your son’s.

I guess there’s a huge amount of grieving too for the loss of your sister as she was. Absolutely heartbreaking. Life can bloody suck at times.

So sorry you went through this, the others have suggested PTSD and counselling which I think would help, and telling your son a version of the truth. I'd also let your sister see your son, she obviously loved him and they both enjoyed their relationship. Obviously the relationship will have changed, she has changed, but surely she deserves to know him, and see who he grows into, and to continue loving him?

This is just awful. Are your parents still around? Just wondering if they’ve been supportive of you and if they are there for your sister.

I do wonder if moving back would be a good thing, it would help isolate those memories as being where you were. If that makes sense

Oh goodness I'm so sorry this has happened. Definitely an accident.if I was in your situation if possible I would bring my sister to my home to be cared for so I could contribute to caring for her. But I understand not everyone's house space/facilities may allow this.

You poor thing OP, I'm so sorry. First it's absolutely not your fault. The truth is she might have gone out swimming of her own accord later that day and the same may have happened. Accidents are accidents, nothing more. It's also so easy to lose track of a little kid that runs off in one second without realising the worry it causes. Please don't beat yourself up about that. I actually know someone who moved to France and their smallest drowned in their swimming pool when they weren't looking for such a small time - they were always very attentive loving parents. That was an accident too and very tragic.

I get why you can't get over it, as how can someone? You see her being so different to how she was before, every time you visit her. That must be so hard.

I just want to also say that your DH is being an unbelievable asshole. What a horrible attitude he has.

This was a tragic accident and you need to allow yourself to live as your sister would want you to. There's not a parent in the world who hasn't took their eyes off their child for a second, noone is infallible. And I guarantee you that if there was the slightest chance your son was in the water your sister would do it again as we all would to help a child or someone we love. You both reacted out of panic and love for your son. But now you have to live in for her and not with guilt of what ifs' as life can't be changed and things undone but you can forgive yourself

You're sister did not swim out for you. She swam out for your child. She may well have swam out for any child she thought was in trouble. This is not on you and she does not want you to blame yourself.

I think that part of the problem can be that people will, as many have here, tell you that you are not to blame. The problem with that advice is that they are trying to make you feel better, but you head knows that it isn't true - in some part you are to blame, and you know that. You did something that millions of people do, and 99.9% of the time they get away with it because of sheer bloody luck, not sensible choices - so nobody gives it a second thought. In your case it led to tragedy. You couldn't have known it would, but you could have predicted it might. And that is the problem you have. No amount of others telling you that you weren't to blame, or you did nothing wrong, or whatever else they say to make you feel better about it, is convincing you that you aren't to blame because your head knows that you shouldn't have let a child on a lilo in the water (any water, not just sea) without constant supervision. Your head isn't going to "let you off the hook". Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

So whilst I agree that further counselling support is needed, and you can't get past this on a schedule, I wonder if that is enough. In many ways there is no getting past this because the consequences are going to last a lifetime. So could you perhaps think about a way of making a difference and stopping other people from having to go through this. Turning your tragedy into something that makes a contribution in the world won't change what happened, but it will make it feel less pointless. For example, you might look at joining a water safety organisation (or setting on up if there isn't one), raising awareness and training people in such such matters. It is possible to turn your tragic story, and sharing that tragedy with others, into something positive and world-changing. It won't be easy, and it will be heart-breaking to talk to others about it - but it will eventually get easier, and you will get perspective on the event. It won't ever stop hurting, but it will get to lessen and become a part of you, who you are and who your son is.

And I would tell your son. He deserves to know. You don't have to tell him that you were to blame. His aunt had an accident swimming out to sea, and over time as he gets older you can elaborate on the story until he knows the full truth.

In the end you didn't make this happen and you didn't want it to happen. You bear some responsibility for the events, but you did nothing that many others have done and walked away without even realising what they have risked. But if you can turn this around and save one child from drowning because another parent didn't think it through, then that makes your sisters sacrifice meaningful. Save two and it is even better. Save 10..... None of us can say that we have always made the right choices or done all the right things in life.

Most of us don't have to live with (much) regret for our choices, and that makes us fortunate.

Your husband is BU, you will never get over it. However you must find a way to live. EMDR helped me massively with a traumatic event. I still remember the event every day but I no longer experience or re-live it. It’s the best thing I’ve done.

As the older childless sibling, I would also have done exactly the same thing as your sister and kept swimming after the lilo. And I'm not even close to any of my nieces and nephews, (probably wouldn't even recognise any of them out of context!) but if someone told me one of them was drifting out to sea then I wouldn't hesitate to go straight in after them. It was an accident and it wasn't your fault.

This is still a recent trauma and you are still processing what happened, I also think you need more time talking through what happened with a therapist who specialises in this area.

Putting myself in your sisters shoes, the points I'm thinking about:

1. Who is reguarly visiting your sister? Are other family members around her and seeing her at the residential care home? What I would hate to think was that, following such a life changing accident, I would then be left alone without anyone I knew reguarly seeing me. I don't mean taking over the burden of daily care but just familiar faces (whether I appeared to recognise them or not) coming to visit once a week.
2. Your sister did something heroic and I think the bravery of her actions should be widely acknowledged in the family. She loved your son a lot and your son should know is auntie loved him. Does your son have any awareness of your sister's actions? I think he needs to know what she did, in an age appropriate manner, to allow him to process these feelings while he's still young. He will find out eventually but it's likely to be far more damaging to him, if he finds out the truth when he's a teenager with all the associated hormones and mood swings. As it is, from your son's pov, his auntie just suddenly disappeared and abandoned him for no reason. To honour her actions, he should know what your sister did and her absence from his life now, is due to the fact she loved him not because she didn't.

On a practical level, it might be helpful to move closer to your sister for your own mental recovery, not just hers. I definitely don't think you should be taking over caring for her but seeing in her on a regular basis might allow you to face the reality of her current situation and the path of accepting this new reality.

Would having a goal help? A lot of families who experience a family tragedy will focus some of their grief into efforts like fundraising for the specific charity that helped them or their family member. Or is there any specialist equipment that would aid your sisters daily care which the NHS doesn't have the resources to provide which you could fundraise towards? It might help to feel you are actively helping your sister's life as she currently is rather than remembering the person she used to be.

I agree. I am a very poor swimmer, but if I ever felt there was any child in trouble in the water, my own or otherwise, I'd probably have swam out. I obviously dont know your sister, but if you were close I don't think she would want you to punish yourself for eternity over the accident. I am very sorry for it happening though, I can't begin to imagine what you've been through.

I could cry for you op, what a wonderful, brave sister you have. I don't think anything anyone says on here will stop the feeling of blame and guilt if those are the feelings you harbor. You sound like a wonderful sister too.

I agree with previous posters about trying counselling again. Maybe try something trauma informed that helps ptsd which it’s possible you have. EMDR, for example, seems to help people process traumatic events. You could still be traumatised even though the person you saw was wonderful and supported you.

I don’t think your son will blame you or himself but your worry about that suggests how much distress you’re in due to blaming yourself.

Two years is nothing though after such a devastating accident, so pressure from your DH to be ‘over it’ isn’t helpful. In one sense you won’t get over it and won’t want to, it’s more about moving forward with it than getting over it. Feeling permission to live again.

It’s ok for him not to want you to suffer just as no one wants that for you, but not ok to be unsupportive and want you to move on for his convenience

That’s so sad 😞
I agree with others who say you probably need to try to come to terms with it. I feel guilty over things that happened surrounding my late mum’s illness/death but I can’t dwell on it too much or I’d go insane (it’s been 20+ years).
Have you had any type of counselling as I think that’d be beneficial.

Oh, what a tragic accident. I'm so sorry OP, and nothing any of us can say will make this better.
It's not your fault. I understand feeling guilty, I would too, but that doesn't make it your fault.
I can say as a parent the amount of times the kids have disappeared from view on a beach is huge. And of course you check the water first.

It's still so new and raw for you, and you are grieving your sister. Definitely look at more therapy if it's an option. I also think telling your son that she had a 'swimming accident' is a good move, but maybe seek a therapist's take on that too.

I'm not sure what level of interaction you are able to have with your sister now, but does she know that your son is ok? Maybe if there is potential for them to meet, it would be a good thing?

When your DH says you need to get over it, is it because you talk about it a lot? Do you burden him with it? Of course you should be able to talk to your partner but this clearly weighs heavily on you and if you are putting a lot of that on him then I don't think that's fair. You can't necessarily just get over it but need more counselling maybe.

I would also let your son see her if he wants to but you don't need to explain how the accident happened.

I think you need to tell your DS about your sister, it's up to you how age appropriately you do this (you don't have to say she was trying to save him)
But does he not wonder why you arent letting him see her? You say they were close. Why can't he see her?

OP, I would find a really good talking therapist, one that can listen to you and help you to work through it all and help you to move on.

Your DH could be at the end of his tether with it if you can't move on and I have seen friends in similar situations, so I don't necessarily blame him for thinking you need to move on.

When a great tragedy happens, people do need to find a way of dealing with it or it will ruin your whole life, we have suffered great tragedy in our family and I have seen people go from rock bottom to living a life again.

They never forget, you will never forget, but you will learn how to live with it and let go of the guilt, if you can find the right therapist/counsellor.