Sister saved my son, accident

[Incrediblyguilty]

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

Don’t blame yourself. Your sister was an adult and knew she was risking her life, she loved your son that much! It’s just a tragic accident that it ended up like this

Do have a look for EMDR practitioners (I'd look for clinical psychologists with EMDR practice) - there are online ones - there's increasing evidence that EMDR works well online as in person.

Oh my goodness. This is heartbreaking x everyone’s said it all already, it wasn’t your fault, just a cruel tragic accident. Please get some therapy or counselling

Thank you for all the messages, I have read them all. It's nice to hear supportive words. Unfortunately my sister is alone, my parents are not around any more and we have no other siblings. We do have cousins but they do not visit her. DSis is permanently damaged, there is no hope of recovery. She says several words but I cannot have a conversation with her. I have, of course, said how sorry I am and told her that DS is fine. I'm thinking now that if she sees him it might make more sense that he is still alive. I'm going to take DS out this afternoon and spoil him with some ice cream etc and explain that DSis was in a bad accident, and ask him how he feels about visiting her and moving back to the UK. I also spoke to DH last night, he said he also feels bad that he wasn't there on that day. We do send DSis money but couldn't care for her here in France because of funding.

Thanks again everyone, my sister was a hero that day. I'm definitely going to get some long term counselling.

Definitely look into EMDR. It’s amazing.

I bet if you could go back in time (even if she knew how it would turn out) that your sister would do it all again.

Tell your son how amazing his auntie is and don’t blame yourself.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for what has happened to your family.

To answer your questions, YES, it is absolutely ok for you to move on and stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. Yes, I understand that your actions were in a chain that ended with your sister's accident. But so were a million other things - your sister visiting, the spot and time on the beach, the exact tide/currents/ weather, the misunderstanding etc.....

Horrible, horrible things happen, and we want someone to blame and often pick ourselves, but there is no,no way this is your fault. Please forgive yourself. You can still love your sister and grieve what happened to her, without also punishing yourself.

I think it is definitely time to tell your son, and agree you should not tell him the whole circumstance. But I think there is also no need to create more mystery than necessary. She had a swimming accident. She swam out too far, in a fast tide etc.... he just doesn't need to know that he had anything to do with it. That is for his sake.

Everything you say about your sister, I cannot believe she hates you. Even if she remembers what happened and why (which seems unlikely), she loves you. She loves your son. And she knows you were all acting from love that day.

This is one of those tragic circumstances, when everybody involved punishes themselves for their role (your husband also, for not being there; and maybe your sister is even angry at herself for her swimming decisions). You can spare your son this, as I'm sure he would also, wrongly, feel guilt if he knew. The guilt is like an extra burden on top of all the grief and none of you deserve it. Seek to forgive yourself and each other. You were all acting from love and integrity that day. That is all any of us can ever do.

I am so sorry for what happened. So very sorry.

From another perspective you could "blame" your ds for not taking the float out with him or even coming up to you to say that he's out and safe and left it in the sea. But you don't blame him do you? Nobody would. So why are you blaming yourself?

Apologies if this has already been said but one thing that is sad about your story weirdly is your nephew was safe. IF your sister had saved his life but nearly died in the process we would probably all know who you are as she would be seen as an incredible heroine and it would be in all the papers. But she IS an incredible heroine. She took an incredible risk to save your son. We should all be grateful for people who make sacrifices like this for others. It is tragic that she suffered so much loss as a result. But she is a heroine. If you are having trauma therapy and trying to rebuild your relationship with her I wonder if appreciating that what you all did that afternoon was not failure and shameful (any of us could lose sight of a child on a busy beach) but courageous and should be a source of pride and honour. Your son should be proud of his mother and aunt too. It is very empowering to be loved.

Another person recommending you try EMDR as it’s for specific trauma. DD has had this and it worked wonders. We paid privately and I took a long time to find a properly qualified practitioner who was a dr and psychologist.

I'm so sorry. This is not your fault. Forgive yourself. Sending love and hugs ❤

Tragic accident all round OP. Have you considered that your son may remember some of the events / heard you and your dh talking about it? I imagine the guilt is worse as your sister is in the UK and your parents are no longer there. Were you parents alive at the time of the accident? If so did you get any closure from them? Do you feel the guilt would lessen if you moved back near to where your sister lives? Regardless I'm sure your sister would want you to be happy.

@Quveas Very wise words indeed

I haven't read the full thread but I do feel so sorry for you OP.

Your husband should be more supportive. I can totally understand how it is difficult to get beyond this.

My friend was involved in a similar accident a number of years ago and suffered brain damage like your sister did. She tried to rescue an unknown child when on the beach with her own children. My friend's family has never had closure from this because the family of the child she tried to save elected to remain anonymous, they don't even know if the child survived.

I don't know why I am saying this other than to say that accidents do happen. Like your sister, my friend decided to try to save another (in this case unknown child), this was her decision. Ultimately no one else is to blame.

I hope you can find help with something like EMDR as others have suggested upthread.

Oh OP, you poor thing, and your poor sister. What an awful thing.

No useful words to share - just sending you all my very best wishes.

For telling your DS, another way to do would be to answer his questions next time he asks. And answering exactly what you’ve been asked - and no more. Eg “why doesn’t Auntie X visit any more?” “Sweetheart, Auntie X had a bad accident and she isn’t very well, so she can’t visit us. Would you like to visit her?”. I’ve found answering exactly what you’ve been asked, and no more, in child appropriate language, to work quite well with my children on tricky subjects when there is no time-sensitive element. They will ask when they want to know more and process it at their pace.

This is so, so, so far beyond that it would never be the case that OP not knowing where her son was, was the reason for her sister’s accident. It wasn’t.

It's not just about not knowing where s´her son was though.

It's about thinking he was in the sea such that that is where Op's sister went looking for him rather than on the beach where he actually was.

Oh that is so hard, you poor thing but you really must know that it wasn't you fault.

It was an accident. Be kind to yourself.

I agree with @Quveas I think you are looking for something that won't happen, and telling you it wasn't your fault is applying a bandaid to a broken leg.
Sometimes our actions have terrible consequences. How we respond to those is what matters. I am a tiny bit shocked you've let your sister live in a different country with no relatives to keep an eye on her care from what I've read. I think taking responsibility rather than hand wringing and hoping to believe this isn't partly your fault will never heal you.

I disagree. I didn't say she was to blame, but I did say she had some responsibility, and in her head she knows that so she can't set it aside - blame is another thing entirely. Allowing a child to play on a lilo in the sea and not watching them for 5 minutes - sorry, but the possibilities are very definitely foreseeable. Unfortunately they often aren't foreseen, and luckily they don't often end in tragedy - but they very obviously can. I believe that the reason the OP is struggling to get past blaming herself is exactly because it is something you obviously shouldn't and wouldn't do - except, as I said, millions do it every sunny day! Nobody ever entirely gets over such a tragedy, but equally there will always be an amount of "what if" and those will include what you ought to have done. Like I said, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

My brothers best friend as a child (the son of my mum's best friend) drowned in the hot summer of 1976. The family went for a picnic at a local lake, he was swimming with friends, and the lake was cold being very deep, despite the warmth of the day. His father couldn't get to him on time. His father felt the same way - that he bore some responsibility - until the day he died, because he knew that swimming in cold water could cause the cramps that made Billy unable to swim. That doesn't mean he was to blame for his sons death - there were literally dozens of other families swimming in that lake that day.

I agree and I'm actually more than a "tiny bit shocked" that she's left her sister alone in the UK. My initial post would not have been the same if I'd seen the update at 09:34 from the OP. I actually felt irrationally angry, probably because, as the childless sibling myself who would also have swum after the lilo, the idea that her sister made the ultimate sacrifice and then been left alone to be cared for by strangers without any regular visitors from people who love her feels awful. That would be my worst case scenario, if I had been the sister in that situation. I'd made the automatic assumption that her sister was at least nearby other family members who care about her. Unless there are some major details missing from the last update then it just feels cruel.

I think if their parents were alive or there were other siblings to support her sister then the OP could certainly take the time to focus on herself and therapy to deal with what happened. However, in light of latest update, as OneFrenchEgg says, following this accident it was time to step up and take responsibility for your sister. Not full-time care but just being there for her. From the description, she has extensive brain damage but even medical experts don't always know how much someone understands and the power of visual cues, familiar faces, smells, voices etc can sometimes reach people and she's been deprived of the potential healing of reguarly seeing her only family.

The last thing that happened to her will have been thinking her nephew has drowned and she's never seen him again since. She may well not have the ability to understand what the OP was saying when she explained he was actually alive and well. But would actually seeing her nephew after the accident and that he is alive have reached her and give her some comfort?

Quveas is right that there will always be an amount of "what if" and feelings of guilt related to what happened that day, that is natural but it was extremely bad luck it all went so wrong that day when loads of other families will have done the same thing without any repercussions. It's not fair but you can't change it.

What you can change is how you deal with the aftermath and perhaps taking a more active approach in supporting your sister and, as the only family she has left, rallying around her so she can at least sense the love you feel for her.

It isn't up to your son as to whether you move back, it's not a question or a responsibility to be imposed on him. That is for you and your husband to decide, your son is already going to have complex feelings regarding what happened that day. He doesn't need the additional responsibility of helping to decide whether you return to the UK, that's an adult decision.

Very understandably, you may be feeling it is easier to keep your distance and not face the physical reality that the sister you knew is gone but you may find more healing from feeling you are taking proactive action to support your sister than any long-term therapy may offer.

Yes I should be there for my sister. Because she is of British nationality the French care system will not help. I cannot look after her myself, she needs round the clock care, believe me, if I could I would. My parents passed years before the accident, and my sister being alone is probably what has made me feel even more guilt. I'm torn between returning to the UK and my DS schooling. He has lots of friends here in France and is a clever little boy. I do however, believe that he would make new friends and be happy in the UK. I'm going to talk to DH about getting his job transferred, it would help if I could do more for DSis. I feel terrible that she is on her own.

What happened that day was an awful, tragic, accident. I am not really clear from what you have posted whether you could have done differently, but it’s done now and you need to make peace with it.

I do think you have failed your sister in what you have done since. This is something you have power to address.

Four visits a year is woefully inadequate. Not ever having brought your DS to visit your sister since is even worse. Appalling actually. It is pretty horrific to think of your poor sister, alone in a different country to you, unable to communicate and with her life stripped away.

I anticipate that you would find it easier to find peace if you were close to your sister, visiting regularly and encouraging your DS to have a relationship with her. The chances are she understands a lot more than she can express.

I do feel for you, I really do, but honestly, I feel for your sister more. You come across as quite passive in your posts. Slightly immature even. I acknowledge that this trauma you have suffered might have cast you in this role. But it’s not up to your DS, at 9, to decide how this goes. You need to take control. You need to commit to making a significant and ongoing contribution to your sister’s welfare.

I absolutely don't think you should be taking on the burden of daily care, that is too much and wouldn't be sustainable in the long-term. The care you can offer is your presence and feeling of love for your sister which is invaluable for any human being and not something staff members can provide.

Your long-term gift to your sister can be trying to maintain your familial bond, the same bond which meant your sister didn't hestiate to run into the sea after her nephew.

Also, who is ultimately in charge of safeguarding for your sister? Obviously we all hope the professionals looking after her always keep her best interests at heart but we all know there are cases where this doesn't happen. Your sister is no longer able to advocate for herself or raise the alarm if she if something untoward does happen.

How do you know her daily care needs are always being met? Is there other treatment available which requires someone to advocate for her, to ensure she is given every opportunity and level of service to give her the best quality of life?

If a staff member was abusing your sister, would you know? She's a single woman, alone with no regular visitors who requires a level of intimate care which leaves her open to being targetted. It might be rare but we all know it does happen and your sister would be an easy target for someone with malicious intent.

There is a massive difference between someone visiting sporadically and only able to regularly monitor her care over the phone versus someone going every week or even monthly. Staff then know someone is around and monitoring your sisters care, her standard of care is likely to be better if staff know someone is watching them. It's not nice but it is reality.

I know I may sound cruel to bring these points up but your sister is very vulnerable, in many ways she's now more vulnerable than your 9 year old DS. She needs protection, if there really is no one else left then that person has to be you.