Sister saved my son, accident

[Incrediblyguilty]

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

Nearly all accidents aren't for one reason. They're an unfortunate combination of lots of reasons that results in a tragic outcome. Some of them you know - your son going missing, your sister deciding to swim out, going out of earshot when he was found - but there are could be others you don't e.g. your sister might have got cramp, the lifeguards might have made a wrong turn, e.t.c.

She loved you and your son and I really think she would want you to know that, and him to know that.

I'm so sorry OP. Sometimes really shitty things happen and there is nothing to say except they are shit and will always be shit.

Your sister acted in love swimming out there but what happened isn't your fault. On another day, things could have turned out differently.

@WiddlinDiddlin so you don't think she should lie...? What do you class making up someone has died when they haven't as if not a lie?? Seems like an even bigger lie than the "hiding the truth" that's Halle ing now...!

I'm so sorry OP, such a tragedy 💔x

I really think telling him the basics, not that he was there and why you have been sad will help your whole family. You can ask if he wants to come and see her, that it will be sad but that’s ok and you can talk about it before and afterwards. Teaching him about these things will help and the fact you are feeling you have to keep this secret is eating you alive and not healthy for anyone. Huge traumas like this will always stay with you and always affect you but you can move on and live for your son as your sister was doing.

You need counselling, OP. This is what accidents are, terrible tragic events that happen for any number of reasons or no reason at all. This wasn't your fault, but of course the horror of it dominates your life, of course it does. You need to talk it through with someone who has the skills to help you.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It must feel like a bereavement even though she's alive.

But you didn't cause this and neither did your son. Let him know that his Auntie had an accident while swimming, and that she may not recover, and that you are devastated by it. Don't let him wonder where she is and what's wrong.

For what it's worth, I would do anything for my sister, as your lovely sister did for you and your son. She took the risk. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Please seek an experienced therapist, and especially an EMDR practitioner who can help a lot with trauma.

My husband saved ds, and was seriously injured (will carry his injuries the rest of his life) in the process.

Afterwards, he used to wake up in a sweat, and could only calm himself down by repeating to himself 'he's OK, he's OK'. He never complains about his injuries, saying he would do it all over again.

I'm sure your sister would say the same if she was able to communicate. Acts of love sometimes have consequences, and we bear them in the knowledge that we did the right thing for the right reasons at the time.

Hi OP.

I rarely well up and cry but I did reading this. I feel so incredibly sad for you. I don’t even think anything that’s said here will help but fwiw you weren’t to blame.

are your parents still alive? Are you in contact? Can you speak to them?

sorry if you’ve answered this already

/
sending love OP x

I'm so very sorry this happened. Your sister sounds great and like such a great aunty. It was an accident and you do need to try and forgive yourself for what you feel you did wrong. It's no good me saying you did nothing wrong as you won't feel that. That's completely different from getting over it. Your husband sounds really unsupportive. I'm not sure how you can really heal with that attitude at home.

Someone defined guilt to me as, "Did you have an intention to harm that person?" If you didn't (I'm sure you did not intend to harm your sister) then you are not guilty of what happened. Life is full of 'what ifs' and we can't possibly know them all or the outcomes.

I am so sorry about your sister, what a tragic accident.

My advice is to keep going with the therapy. I think you have more work to do on your feelings of guilt and shame. I think it's very telling that you haven't talked about any of it with your DS. These kind of secrets can cause a lot of damage when they eventually come out. At the very least, tell him that she had a bad accident (you don't have to tell him how it all happened if you're not ready to) and take him to visit her. You said what a strong bond they had and it's not fair on him to leave him wondering why she disappeared.

This is truly heartbreaking and I am so sorry for your family.

Your sister loved your son enough to risk her life. From what you describe there wasn't a moments hesitation.

She would want him to have the best and happiest life possible. The thing you owe your sister is to do everything in your power to make that happen.
And that means having a Mum who is present, happy and able to accept what has happened and begin forgiving herself.
A sister who does what she did would want you to live, not to torture yourself.

You will always feel guilty while you hide it from your son like a dirty secret. It was a terrible terrible accident. You are not to blame. Every one of us has got distracted and taken our eyes off our children at some point. If that makes you a bad parent then we are all bad parents.

99.9% of the time we get away with it. But very occasionally something horrendous happens. It is no one's fault.

🌻🌻🌻

I think it is common, when tragedies like this occur, to subconsciously need to attribute blame, in order to process the shock of what has happened. Because without blame it simply doesn’t make sense.

This truly was not your fault op, nothing you did caused this very sad outcome. Your sister would hate that you were so devastated by this guilt, I am sure.

Be kind to yourself and seek the help you need to work through how you feel ❤️

Guilt is such a useless emotion, it’s not constructive.
not your fault. Have you tried therapy ? It sounds like you need to let go of the guilt and you might need professional help with this.
your husband doesn’t know what he is talking about.

I'm so sorry for you @Incrediblyguilty 💐 That must be so incredibly hard.

I think it may help you to work through things a bit more if you tell your son a version of the truth.

Do you know if your sister is aware of what happened?

Sending love and strength to you.

For your DSis to risk her life to protect your DS, she must have loved him and you so very much. I think that's what you should try to focus on. She did what she did out of the purest love, and that's a real gift.

As others have said, it's not something you ever get over, but it's something you have to find a way to live with. She did what she did to keep your DS safe, and now the way to honour that is to be the best mum possible. Part of that involves being kinder to yourself so you can be present with DS and not beating yourself up over what happened to his aunt.

I get that, in a way, you are still grieving the life that she and you won't have together, but at some point, you are going to have to tell your DS that his auntie had an accident, and whilst she is doing OK and being looked after really well, she's not going to get better and be like she was before. If you're waiting for a moment when this will feel easier, I'm afraid it's not going to come. It's always going to feel awful telling him, but he deserves to know an age-appropriate version of the truth.

I would consider your DH's offer to move back to the UK so you could visit your sister more often and whether that would be beneficial to you and/or your sister. It's not an easy decision, and it might be one worth discussing with a therapist.

FWIW, as an aunt myself, if this happened to me, I wouldn't want my DSis to blame herself and be miserable for the rest of her life. I would want her to be happy and to enjoy life to the fullest. I wouldn't necessarily want her to do anything out of character like climb a mountain or jump out of a plane, but I'd want her to feel joy from the simple things that I wasn't capable of doing any more.

I really hope you find some peace. It's such a horrifically tragic thing to have suffered as a family - and no one's fault. Sometimes lots of little things come together and create an awful tragedy. There's no blame, it's just a sad thing to have happened.

I think taking your son to see your sister is a wonderful idea. I don't know how much capacity she has, but seeing him, and knowing he's ok, might well bring her joy. I echo PPs, this was a tragic accident. I can't imagine how traumatic it has been for you, but it wasn't your fault and your sister did what she did out of love.

It was a terrible accident. You and your ds were so incredibly privileged to have someone love you both this much even if it wasn’t for enough time so hold onto all that she was able to give him. Your dsis was obviously someone willing to give her whole self for her beloved nephew and would not want you to feel this way. She would want you to live and especially your ds to live and have the best life you can provide.

I do think taking your ds to see her and explain she had a tragic accident swimming but he was too little to explain before would be the best way to explain it. Getting more therapy will help you. My advice would be to find someone you gel with.

Oh you poor soul. That is a heartbreaking story, so very sad. However, you do need to forgive yourself. Your reaction on not seeing your son was perfectly normal, and your sister did an amazing thing to try and rescue him. However, accidents happen - something which the modern world no longer seems to find acceptable, there always must be someone to be held accountable- and that is what this is, a tragic accident. You had no way of knowing how this would play out, and you can't turn back time. Please forgive yourself.

I'm so, so sorry, OP. That is a very heavy thing to live with. Your reaction is entirely understandable, and I hope this burden lightens with time. It was, after all, an accident, and not your fault at all.

I’m so sorry this happened to your family. Your love shines through. This wasn’t your fault.

I think ongoing counselling would be really helpful. And I second PPs ideas of taking your son to see her and explaining she had an accident but not his involvement.

I wish you peace and joy, and I’m sure your lovely sister would too xxx

Fucking hell OP, that is really really hard. Anybody would find it so. I think both you and your DH do need to accept it’s something you will always have to live with, and you may quite regularly need support for.

It was an accident. Yes you took your eye off your son, but who on earth hasn’t? You and she were just terribly, tragically, unlucky.

It’s very clear you sister loved you and your son, and what she would not want is for this to cloud the rest of your life. Please keep working on therapy and a way to live along side this.

Doing something positive as a tribute to your sister might help. Is there a cause she was passionate about that you could consider doing some work on?

Forgive yourself OP.
You did not do anything wrong. What could you have done different?

I really feel for you, my sister has a brain illness and it's absolutely horrific watching someone you love in that state.
It's just one of the shitty things in life.

Don't waste yours by feeling guilt.

I wish you well

That is horrific, I'm so sorry OP.

We all make decisions every day that in a sliding doors moment could have devastating consequences. Your family was the extremely unlucky one in a million where it did. It was no more than that, terrible terrible luck.

If you can, to try separate out what happened to your sister and your guilt. What happened to your sister is tragic and it may be something that you never make peace with. But that doesn't mean it was your fault. No one with an ounce of compassion would blame you, and if one of your friends were in your shoes I'm sure you wouldn't blame them.

What happened to your sister is awful. That doesn't mean it's your fault.

.