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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to provide childcare

182 replies

Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 08:27

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 18/05/2023 08:29

Not at all! She's being a massive cheeky cow!! Stick to your guns.

bookish83 · 18/05/2023 08:30

she can pay you holiday club rates for 4 children if she likes 😬

Rainbowqueeen · 18/05/2023 08:30

How rude to assume.

You are under no obligation whatsoever.

gooseduckchicken · 18/05/2023 08:30

YANBU. She is cheeky; not willing to lose any of her salary but taking advantage of the fact you have. I presume she's not offering to pay you if you did agree to do it?

Danikm151 · 18/05/2023 08:31

She’s a CF to the max!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2023 08:32

Unless she was planning on agreeing terms and conditions in your favour and then paying you a fair wage for it. That's so cheeky. Why should she benefit over sacrifices you've made for your family?

That's like you saying, oh I'm glad you've got a higher income than me, I dont have to worry about how I'll pay for that holiday now! How would she feel about that?

Also why do your parents help her and not you? Is she the entitled golden child by any chance?

BiddyPop · 18/05/2023 08:33

Absolutely not being mean. Unless she intends to pay you a very fair wage to cover the care.

You have made choices that mean you are where you are today. And that has meant not taking opportunities, and now taking a different step backwards, in order to look after your own DC. But it is a significant sacrifice.

It is not a sacrifice which you are making to allow your DSis continue to live in the luxury to which she has become accustomed, due to the choices which she has made.

You are taking the time to enjoy quality time with your DC. There are things you want to do with DC that are unlikely to be of interest to older DC.

Has DSis ever offered to help you out with childcare? Does she intend being available at other times to cover if you do summer?

Or is it an expectation that your sacrifice is in her best interests and expected of you to just now down and accept her magnanimous gesture of giving you the younger DC to entertain you?

No
No
Hell no

(May not have had sufficient coffee yet and feeling sore about personal sacridices which have kicked me in the teeth this week).

LakeTiticaca · 18/05/2023 08:59

Yes that's fine, £25 per child per day, so that adds up to 500 quid a week paid in advance.
See what th CF says to that 😉

ImperfectAlf · 18/05/2023 09:07

Well, I'm assuming her and her DP will be paying your pension contributions and all the costs of summer care?

No?

Thought not, Total CF

GracePalmer33 · 18/05/2023 09:30

And she'd expected you to do it for FREE? Wow. That's some audacity haha. Do not ever agree to this. You're worse off financially so she can be better off? Nope. Looking after 3 children is a lot harder than looking after 1. I'd be a mess.

Hopelesscynic · 18/05/2023 09:46

LakeTiticaca · 18/05/2023 08:59

Yes that's fine, £25 per child per day, so that adds up to 500 quid a week paid in advance.
See what th CF says to that 😉

Love this response, 100% 😂
The woman is a massive CF, how dare she assume let alone announce without even speaking to you! And every school holiday? Sod that, tell her you are not prepared to be looking after additional children and you aren't a childminder either.

JenniferBarkley · 18/05/2023 09:50

There is no amount of money in the world that you could pay me to spend my holidays looking after someone else's DC, especially when them being such different ages to your own.

Stand firm.

JenniferL27 · 18/05/2023 09:52

JenniferBarkley · 18/05/2023 09:50

There is no amount of money in the world that you could pay me to spend my holidays looking after someone else's DC, especially when them being such different ages to your own.

Stand firm.

This

polkadotdalmation · 18/05/2023 09:53

You are entirely in the right. Cheeky AF

Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 09:58

YANBU, she is being presumptuous.

Saying that I would help out on occassion if she was stuck for holiday care.

EsmeSusanOgg · 18/05/2023 10:08

Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 09:58

YANBU, she is being presumptuous.

Saying that I would help out on occassion if she was stuck for holiday care.

If she had asked for the odd day, that is one thing. But she's just told OP she's spending her summer with an additional 4 kids for no money. I'd now say no to all requests!

SearchIsTakingTooLong · 18/05/2023 10:09

Stick to your guns. You reduced your hours to be able to spend quality time with your own DC, not to be an unpaid childminder for her kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2023 10:12

You clearly know YANBU.

Fraaahnces · 18/05/2023 10:12

What a lot of nerve! I assume she’s never offered childcare for you… what a cow!

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2023 10:12

That's like you saying, oh I'm glad you've got a higher income than me, I dont have to worry about how I'll pay for that holiday now! How would she feel about that?

Absolutely! Cheeky mare!

Does she have history for not talking to you when you don’t do what she wants, @Fluffyfluffs ?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/05/2023 10:14

JenniferL27 · 18/05/2023 09:52

This

Show quote history

Yes me too.

Shes such a cheeky mare.

Even worse because of the way she went about it, trying to railroad you into thinking this is just a natural consequence “it means she won’t have to pay”. Cheeky fucker!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/05/2023 10:15

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2023 10:12

That's like you saying, oh I'm glad you've got a higher income than me, I dont have to worry about how I'll pay for that holiday now! How would she feel about that?

Absolutely! Cheeky mare!

Does she have history for not talking to you when you don’t do what she wants, @Fluffyfluffs ?

And also this!

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 10:15

All very odd as you’re clearly not remotely close to your sister are you?

TeeBee · 18/05/2023 10:16

My sister did similar. She was even thinking of moving closer to me so I could help them with childcare. Completely forgetting I sat 4 years of a degree course to advance in my career, which I was planning to return to after my children were doing more hours. Honestly, I don't understand where they get their cheek.

Fuck her, quite frankly. Your sacrifices are so you can have adequate time with your children, not hers. End of.

MsRosley · 18/05/2023 10:20

I'm sorry your sister is such an unreasonable, entitled cow, OP.

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