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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to provide childcare

182 replies

Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 08:27

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 20/05/2023 06:49

She’s being massively cheeky. An absolute no way. If it were the odd day she were asking for that’s fine, but regular care throughout the holidays, no!
Looking after 3 kids is very different to looking after your one and will restrict what you can do, and how enjoyable it will be.

pictoosh · 20/05/2023 06:50

Oh god no. The odd day for the pleasure of it, sure - holiday childminder, no fucking way.
You are absolutely right to say no. Your sister's sense of entitlement is off the scale. Like you say, four kids, her choice and her responsibility, certainly not yours.

pictoosh · 20/05/2023 06:55

And actually, the angle she's going for, easing 'the burden' for the grandparents, would have me digging my heels in even more. How manipulative can you be? When you consider that she is the only person who has burdened the grandparents, you understand that she is all for herself and expects you to be all for her as well.
Get fucked sis.

vdbfamily · 20/05/2023 07:07

I would tell her that may you have had to significantly reduce your income to manage school holidays by taking a term time contract, so whilst you might be available to help out on occasion, you would expect a to be recompensed in some way. If the cousins enjoy each others company and could keep each other entertained, it might be a way of boosting your income and helping her out too.
There used to be rules about paid childcare if you are not a registered childminder. I am not sure if that has changed more recently but there are ways round it. I did not work many hours when the kids were at primary school and had a couple of friends I helped out regularly and they always found ways to recompense me without direct payment.

Farcis · 20/05/2023 08:04

Don’t help out in an ‘emergency!’ There’ll be one every other day if you start that. YANBU

Zanatdy · 20/05/2023 08:08

Definitely not. Maybe one day, but taking her kids all school holidays? No. You’re taking a pay cut for that and want to spend time with your own child. Your sister can pay for childcare like many others have to

Bunnycat101 · 20/05/2023 08:10

Well done for standing your ground. Term time working comes at a financial cost and you are doing that to spend more time with your own child at the expense of flexibility in term-time. She is an absolute CF to assume that is a path to free childcare especially when she has older teens who can help her out.

notquitesoyoung · 20/05/2023 08:13

It's not your responsibility to relieve the pressure on your DM when it's your sister creating that pressure. I wouldn't even be willing to do it if DSis paid - taking care of three when you are used to one is going to make you wish you were still at work. Leave DSis to throw her toys out the pram and you crack on with your current plans. Four children is a very conscious decision and are no one's responsibility but the parents.

Trippin · 20/05/2023 08:18

Glad you stuck to your decision and I think it was the right one.

My sibling tried this on me. Before Covid we were spending a fortune on childcare in school holidays. My 2 for their 1, I suggest we help each other out to reduce the childcare bill. They declined - far enough no issues. During Covid I WFH and still do. They are still office based. I have my DC at home now in school holidays as they are old enough to mostly fend for themselves. Since this, sibling is interested in me taking her DC as well. Errrrr nope.

Kisskiss · 20/05/2023 08:24

thats right, she should ease the burden on grandparents, by paying for holiday clubs or childcare at least a few times a week!
such utter drivel, families should help each other, but she’s only taking and not giving which is so selfish

Grumpyfroghats · 20/05/2023 08:28

I can see that a 16 year old wouldn't want to do it all day every day but your sister could look at the cheaper 9-3 type clubs and get her eldest to pick the younger ones up, heat up some dinner, put on a movie till she or BIL gets home. That's a lot cheaper than the supecamps style 9-5 holiday clubs

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/05/2023 08:28

I rarely swear but I think it's justified in this situation.

Tell her to f@ck off.

Inertia · 20/05/2023 08:31

Your sister can easily relieve the burden on the grandparents by paying for childcare like everyone else has to do .

Inkpotlover · 20/05/2023 08:38

She's a CF in the extreme. It would be one thing if she asked nicely and you explained no and while she was disappointed, that was the end of it, but to refuse to talk to you like you're somehow in the wrong is pathetic behaviour. Stick to your guns. Time with your DC is precious when they are this little and if you've managed to find a job that allows you time with him in the holidays, make the most of it. She chose to have four DC, she needs to suck it up.

LAMPS1 · 20/05/2023 08:45

Her audacity is mind blowing …….must have stopped you in your tracks.
Doesn’t she realise that she doesn’t have a monopoly on your mum and if you want to help your mum out, you will and you certainly don’t need her direction or permission to do that. You might want to take your mum out for the day with your DS to give her a treat in which case, your sister might have to find paid child care on that day. Let her put that idea in her pipe and smoke it.

mondaytosunday · 20/05/2023 08:47

Presumably not for the teens. And why can't they provide some childcare to help out?
But no - behind you 100%.

Talia99 · 20/05/2023 08:50

I think you need to return the level of assistance she has given you over the years - namely none whatsoever.

If she’d spent years helping you, you might owe her something. As it is, she can reap what she’s sown.

You have one DC and have made arrangements in your life to care for one child. If you wanted to be a full time career for 3 kids, no doubt you’d have 3 children.

raincamepouringdown · 20/05/2023 08:53

ZekeZeke · 20/05/2023 06:03

Why can't the 16 year old look after the siblings?

I would say, is t it great Johnny/Mary is 16 and can look after the younger ones for you.

Um, no, it's not a 16 year old's job to become a glorified babysitter for younger siblings, especially for 13 weeks of the year. This is parents' responsibility to solve and sort, not a 16 year old's.

ZekeZeke · 20/05/2023 09:13

raincamepouringdown · 20/05/2023 08:53

Um, no, it's not a 16 year old's job to become a glorified babysitter for younger siblings, especially for 13 weeks of the year. This is parents' responsibility to solve and sort, not a 16 year old's.

Show quote history

I'm not saying the entire time. There are camps the younger ones could go to.
But paying the 16 year old to look after their siblings to help their own family surely isn't a big deal.

TicTac80 · 20/05/2023 09:19

That's ridiculous of her!! I'm so glad you stood firm.

Strawberrydelight78 · 20/05/2023 09:22

Exactly this

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/05/2023 09:34

You’re doing the right thing-enjoy the time with your son

Grumpyfroghats · 20/05/2023 09:38

ZekeZeke · 20/05/2023 09:13

I'm not saying the entire time. There are camps the younger ones could go to.
But paying the 16 year old to look after their siblings to help their own family surely isn't a big deal.

Show quote history

And they can definitely cover the odd emergency..

Channellingsophistication · 20/05/2023 10:57

You are not being selfish at all. That’s incredibly cheeky of her.

You will have to be careful because she might dump them on you last minute sometimes and you might feel compelled to look after them…

Buddercud · 20/05/2023 10:58

Even if she’s intending to pay, this is something you ask someone, thoughtfully and respectfully, not announce to them!