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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to provide childcare

182 replies

Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 08:27

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
Grumpyfroghats · 18/05/2023 12:38

Grumpyfroghats · 18/05/2023 12:38

I love the idea of all eating together but it's not practical for us during the week.

We take it in turns to pick up the kids, the person picking up is home for 5:45-6, the other person around 6:30, the kids are in bed for 7/7:30.

Wrong thread sorry!

LongLostTeacher · 18/05/2023 12:39

I’m all for sharing childcare responsibilities with family, it’s a great way for children to know their extended families. But your sister has gone about this so badly. It has to work for everyone involved, ie they need to want to do it and ideally, particularly between two people who both have children, it should be reciprocal and she should never have assumed it was a given. How rude!

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2023 12:39

Choosing to help someone even though they have not helped you, does not make you a doorman

But it does make you a doormat.

StrawberryWater · 18/05/2023 12:40

Cheeky cow sounds like one of my sisters.

She thought we were going to look after her DD when I was on mat leave and when we said no she actually had a tantrum. One day she even rocked up at my house and left my 10 year old niece on the doorstep and legged it back to her car. I managed to catch up with her and had stern words, and while I did look after DN that day I didn’t again.

Thankfully we now live at opposite ends of the country and her DD is now at university but yeesh some people are crazy entitled to other peoples lives.

aloris · 18/05/2023 12:48

She is using this tactic on you because it has worked on so many other people. She's getting the benefit of all this free childcare which allows her family to save money and have a nicer lifestyle. Now she wants you to subsidize more of her nice things. She's a Taker. Stand firm. If you open the door just a crack, she will use it as a way to Take, Take, Take.

billy1966 · 18/05/2023 12:52

Being off with your child for the holidays will be wonderful.

Lots of opportunities for last minute days out, play dates, picnics in the parks, going away for a few days, having friends over for last minute pool parties if you have a little pool during the summer.

You will be free and easy to make on the spot plans without any obligation to anyone or any other children.

There is no way I would entertain your sister for a minute.

You and your child would bitterly regret it.

Reugny · 18/05/2023 12:52

You are very polite OP.

If she needed help in an emergency and was it reciprocal in some way e.g. she would help you in the evenings/weekends/etc fair enough but to expect you to do holiday childcare for her 4 children is a massive piss take.

Incidentally I've had family childcare help but it is mainly from children, now adults, I helped.

DysmalRadius · 18/05/2023 12:53

If there was a reciprocal agreement then I’d maybe be a bit more open, but I’m not prepared to make sacrifices for my family and help her out when she wouldn’t do it for me.

Not just that, but she has chosen not to make career/salary sacrifices to care for her own children, but expects to financially benefit from your choices.

Galast · 18/05/2023 12:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hankunamatata · 18/05/2023 13:04

Wow I thought u were going to say she asked you to do all childcare in holidays and thought that was CF but to just assume omg

Fercullen · 18/05/2023 13:04

Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 11:41

Thanks for all your replies. We’re quite close but she has form for CF behaviour. I wouldn’t say she’s the golden child but everyone tends to tip toe around her for an easy life.

She doesn’t like not getting her own way and she has a tendency to throw her toys out of the pram.
I think she assumed I would help to relieve the pressure on our mum and her mil who currently do all her childcare.

I don’t have a mil, and my mum doesn’t drive so she wouldn’t be able to help me out with school runs etc which is why I’ve gone term time only. My sister lives closer and my mum lives within walking distance of her younger kids school.

I haven’t had any help as I didn’t want to burden my mum with anymore children. She does let my sister walk all over her though.

If there was a reciprocal agreement then I’d maybe be a bit more open, but I’m not prepared to make sacrifices for my family and help her out when she wouldn’t do it for me.

it would be classic CF behaviour for her to act like you would be doing your mum a favour by helping out with childcare over the holidays. She can position you as a bit selfish for not helping your mum if you refuse to help look after her kids!

Cakeandcardio · 18/05/2023 13:09

I've got one of those SILs. Wants to use my annual leave / part time working to watch her child as she doesn't want to lose the money herself. Cheeky fuckery of the highest order. Show her this thread

aloris · 18/05/2023 13:09

"it would be classic CF behaviour for her to act like you would be doing your mum a favour by helping out with childcare over the holidays. She can position you as a bit selfish for not helping your mum if you refuse to help look after her kids!"

I would just escalate this right back with telling sister that if she weren't too selfish to pay for her own childcare, her mother would be able to rest and enjoy her free time because sister's kids would be in formal childcare. It's not on OP to subsidize sister's budget by taking up any of the unreasonable load that sister has placed on her own mother's back.

MeridianB · 18/05/2023 13:09

Definitely a super-CF. What did she say when you told her no, @Fluffyfluffs

ShoesoftheWorld · 18/05/2023 13:24

Seeing as you're still working this summer, what I might do (if it suits you and your plans) is to agree to a reciprocal arrangement for odd days, one day you, one day her - that means for every day you do for her, she does a day for you BEFORE she gets another. And she helps you out in term time (if you need it) and gets half a day in the holidays for every pick-up (or whatever) she's done. Somehow I think she probably won't go for that, though.

PeopleAreShit · 18/05/2023 13:32

I love that you have 100% YANBU votes!

She can pay you the going rate for all 4 kids or take your kids for half the time too.

michymommy · 18/05/2023 13:33

I think it’s rude she just assumed you would without even asking first.

HOWEVER if I was in a position to help my sister I would absolutely do it without question.
When I was a lot younger and in college I used to pick up my niece from nursery and take her home, feed her and look after her until my sister came from work at around 9pm all free of cost.
In my opinion it takes a village and I wouldn’t feel comfortable making my sister pay for something I could do for free.

I guess it also depends on the relationship you have with your sister as well, would she do it for you?

aloris · 18/05/2023 13:36

michymommy · 18/05/2023 13:33

I think it’s rude she just assumed you would without even asking first.

HOWEVER if I was in a position to help my sister I would absolutely do it without question.
When I was a lot younger and in college I used to pick up my niece from nursery and take her home, feed her and look after her until my sister came from work at around 9pm all free of cost.
In my opinion it takes a village and I wouldn’t feel comfortable making my sister pay for something I could do for free.

I guess it also depends on the relationship you have with your sister as well, would she do it for you?

I would also do quite a bit for my sister. But let's be honest, my sister would never ask me to look after 4 kids for a whole summer vacation because my sister is not a user. The fact that she's not a user, is why I would do stuff for her, because I know she would try to reciprocate and I know she would respect my time and effort.

That is not what's happening here. This sister has known CF tendencies, is asking WAY over what's reasonable, and is unlikely to ever reciprocate even a small amount of it.

mistlethrush · 18/05/2023 14:04

As she's got 4 children, a more even share might be for you to take her children for one day after she's had yours for 2 days - and then not take them again until she's looked after yours for 4 days... I mean, you only have one child, so 1/4 of the work (based on her reasoning).

TeeBee · 18/05/2023 14:11

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2023 10:20

My sister did similar. She was even thinking of moving closer to me so I could help them with childcare

Blimey-CF!!

How did that conversation go?!

I laughed at her and said 'you've got to be fucking joking!!!'

Bedtimemode · 18/05/2023 14:34

1104 votes and 100% yanbu! That has to be a record

WhatFlavourIsIt · 18/05/2023 14:37

I actually don't think it's that cheeky. If I was off for the summer I would definitely help my sister out and she would do the same for me.

Original poster
Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 14:40

Definitely a super-CF. What did she say when you told her no, @Fluffyfluffs

She tried guilt tripping about easing the burden on the grandparents and how families should help eachother out. I pointed out that I’ve had very little help with my DS. She told me that having just 1 child is easier and cheaper than having 4. I did point out that it was her choice to have 4 which didn’t go down too well.

It would only be the two younger ones that she would want help with as the older two are 16 and 13. I don’t mind helping anyone out occasionally if it’s really needed, in an emergency etc. but I don’t want a regular commitment and want to enjoy the school holidays with my DS.

I did feel a bit bad that I’m in a position where I could help and wondered if I was being selfish by not helping. Glad you agree I’m not.

OP posts:
aloris · 18/05/2023 14:42

Sounds like she's an expert at mental mind-games. Beware because in the next few days she may think up some ideas to counteract the boundary you have just set.

FlamingoQueen · 18/05/2023 14:42

Please don’t say about being paid, she may decide that’s okay and then you have no comeback. Just say no. The reason you are term time is for your own benefit - say you are really looking forward to the freedom - being able to get up one morning and go out for the day or just spend the day in pj’s if you want.
Perhaps offer one day at Christmas so she could do some Christmas shopping and then have another day when she does the same for you. Just make sure you have your day first, otherwise it won’t happen.

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