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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to provide childcare

182 replies

Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 08:27

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 18/05/2023 10:20

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 10:15

All very odd as you’re clearly not remotely close to your sister are you?

As if accepting being voluntold to provide childcare promotes closeness 😂

not everyone gets on with/is close to their siblings. It’s really not that odd.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2023 10:20

My sister did similar. She was even thinking of moving closer to me so I could help them with childcare

Blimey-CF!!

How did that conversation go?!

LookItsMeAgain · 18/05/2023 10:24

I'd love to know the reasoning behind the person(s) who clicked you are being unreasonable here. 99% say you're not being unreasonable but 1% say you are.

How? How is the OP being unreasonable???

Please explain your voting choice.

TheOrigRights · 18/05/2023 10:26

Is this another post where the OP (journalist?) just wants to create a bit of a frenzy and won't come back?

If it's true then the OP is a bit dim if she thinks one single person will say "yes you are being mean"

Camillasfagwrinkles · 18/05/2023 10:36

Cheeky bitch. Of course you shouldn't do her childcare in the summer. If she's that much of a CF, I'd be delighted she wasn't talking to me.

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 10:38

whumpthereitis · 18/05/2023 10:20

As if accepting being voluntold to provide childcare promotes closeness 😂

not everyone gets on with/is close to their siblings. It’s really not that odd.

Show quote history

Odd that the sister asked given clearly not close. Clearly these are sisters aren’t exactly spending afternoons chatting over coffee together.

odd that the op even cares that her sister isn’t talking to her

Couldyounot · 18/05/2023 10:38

Remarkably bold. No way.

piedbeauty · 18/05/2023 10:38

What a CF! No, you're not being mean at all.

She has all the kids - she needs to sort childcare for them. Some people are just unbelievable.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/05/2023 10:40

TheOrigRights · 18/05/2023 10:26

Is this another post where the OP (journalist?) just wants to create a bit of a frenzy and won't come back?

If it's true then the OP is a bit dim if she thinks one single person will say "yes you are being mean"

Oh, I hope not!

@Fluffyfluffs any context about your relationship here?

Chiccaletta · 18/05/2023 10:41

Unbelievably entitled cheeky assumption.
Leave her stew, she'll come around eventually when she realises her expectations are ridiculous and how lucky she's had it so far. (Just might take a year when she gets bitter about holiday club fees)
And prepare to also fight off pleas from grandparents who also desperately want to get rid of the summer holiday childcare burden now they are getting older and tired.
Similar issue with our family as older "entitled" sister had her kids when my parents were younger and more capable of babysitting so she had 100% free childcare and used hem as much as she could. Now the rest of us have had our first kids, my parents are older, tired, grandbaby novelty worn off and cant keep up one of my toddlers let alone take on all the grandkids so we've never used them for any childcare whatsoever, they're done, that's it.
It's not fair but can't be helped.
Hold steady through this.

(Extra ammunition if needed: you can't EVER book cheap last minute holidays if you are committed to sisters brood's childcare, you'll have lost all flexibility. And it's not fair on your partner, they didnt sign up to this either. They could never WFH/relax on their annual leave/early finishes. And you dont own a mini bus to take everyone out everyday)

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 10:41

Bloomin heck… a journalist?! Quiet day on the news front if that’s the case! 😂

WomanUnknown · 18/05/2023 10:43

She’s a CF

Enabled on all sides. Good on you for standing your ground- I wouldn’t put up with that.

Meeting · 18/05/2023 10:44

Classic CF behaviour

fajitaaa · 18/05/2023 10:44

There are ways of asking and this isn't one of them

mincedtart · 18/05/2023 10:49

Far too many people think they for some reason shouldn’t have to pay for childcare like the rest of us. Maybe you could also pay her mortgage and bills?

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 10:51

What a major CF. Glad that you nipped this in the bud now. Be wary of her asking you to do the odd day at short notice as other child care has fallen through. I can see her trying that tack.

ModestMoon · 18/05/2023 10:52

Absolutely insane. My holidays with my children are so I can spend quality time with my children. I miss them so much during the regular working day. There is no way that I would want to divide my attention between them and someone else's child, let alone 4 of them. If she had massively helped out with childcare so that you could keep working I'd see her point, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Tell her to jog on.

Beautiful3 · 18/05/2023 10:56

If they're on a high income then they can afford holiday club. I would have said the same as you. You've sacrificed your pay to spend time with your child, not for theirs!

JudgeJ · 18/05/2023 11:01

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I know a few teachers who have had this problem, family, friends thinking Whoopee, free summer childcare! A friend's son was told by his sister that she was so pleased he was marrying a teacher, That's holiday childcare sorted!
When we were both teaching we would often offer to have our niece and/or nephew for days out etc but it was always on our invitation, not their parents' demand.

Mari9999 · 18/05/2023 11:03

OP, your sister was quite presumptuous; however I can't imagine refusing to help my sister simply because no one ever helped me.

sueelleker · 18/05/2023 11:05

Tell her you'll provide exactly as much childcare as she did for you.

Riverlee · 18/05/2023 11:08

Stick to your guns. Don’t even say you’ll have them in ‘an emergency’ because that gives her a get-out for not finding suitable cover.

TheChoiceIsYours · 18/05/2023 11:11

Mari9999 · 18/05/2023 11:03

OP, your sister was quite presumptuous; however I can't imagine refusing to help my sister simply because no one ever helped me.

You honestly can’t imagine not volunteering to look after four children for free every school holiday? It wouldn’t occur to you that this is now your time to spend with your son and enjoy the fruit of your hard work that has got you to this point? It wouldn’t occur to you not to give that up and spent 13 weeks a year wrangling four kids for your sister who apparently goes through her life scrounging from others?

If that’s true then sorry but that would make you a bit of a doormat!

JaneBeyre · 18/05/2023 11:17

No, you're not being mean.

Darling sister needs to realise that you are not there to support her family, and she is not there to support yours. They are two separate households and any time you have off work is yours to enjoy. How would it even work having kids over during the holidays - fights, constant food requests, monitoring screens, getting everyone out of the house. Nightmare.

She needs to understand the concept of boundaries.

And well done for saying no. Let her sulk.

whumpthereitis · 18/05/2023 11:24

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 10:38

Odd that the sister asked given clearly not close. Clearly these are sisters aren’t exactly spending afternoons chatting over coffee together.

odd that the op even cares that her sister isn’t talking to her

Show quote history

Not odd at all on the first one. That’s classic cheeky fucker cheeky fucker-ing. Being close to someone isn’t a requirement for attempting to take advantage.

but yes, I would encourage OP not to worry about it and enjoy the silence.