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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to provide childcare

182 replies

Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 08:27

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 18/05/2023 11:31

Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 08:27

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

YANBU!

Your sister sounds rather entitled, so you might need to have to spell this out to her.

I'd contact her and say something like "sorry if you're disappointed that I won't be able to help with childcare in school holidays, but I have taken a huge salary sacrifice to be able to work term time only so that I have can quality one to one time with my child which I wouldn't be able to do if I had another 4 children in the house. I'm sure I'll be able to help occasionally if you cannot find an alternative and we have no plans. x"

ZuckerwatterMaus · 18/05/2023 11:34

No way ! I am a teacher so have holidays with ds 7 . We spend our days doing things that interest him , going places he likes and watching films for his age group .Add 4 kids of different ages into the mix and the quality time with your own child will be gone . I would not even do it for money . Time is more valuable to me .

Queenfreak · 18/05/2023 11:38

Wow! Your sister is very presumptuous!
Helping someone out occasionally, or 1 day a week if you feel like it!, is a kind gesture. Having 2-4 kids dumped on you working hours 5 days a week is a piss take.
I had 1 child, and I wouldn't want another now. She's 6, and I absolutely love the time we get together. No way would I have someone dump their kids on me and spoil that!

intakeofanaverage · 18/05/2023 11:39

Her time at work is worth money and is valuable. Your time is also valuable. So unless she wants to share some of her wages with you then no, YANBU to say no. She is being unreasonable to ask.

Original poster
Fluffyfluffs · 18/05/2023 11:41

Thanks for all your replies. We’re quite close but she has form for CF behaviour. I wouldn’t say she’s the golden child but everyone tends to tip toe around her for an easy life.

She doesn’t like not getting her own way and she has a tendency to throw her toys out of the pram.
I think she assumed I would help to relieve the pressure on our mum and her mil who currently do all her childcare.

I don’t have a mil, and my mum doesn’t drive so she wouldn’t be able to help me out with school runs etc which is why I’ve gone term time only. My sister lives closer and my mum lives within walking distance of her younger kids school.

I haven’t had any help as I didn’t want to burden my mum with anymore children. She does let my sister walk all over her though.

If there was a reciprocal agreement then I’d maybe be a bit more open, but I’m not prepared to make sacrifices for my family and help her out when she wouldn’t do it for me.

OP posts:
Crucible · 18/05/2023 11:44

Sounds like you really care about your Mum OP. Good on you. I really do admire your stance and your sacrifices. Stand firm. X

feralunderclass · 18/05/2023 11:46

"That's great Tracey, I'll be needing extra money now that I've reduced my hours. Going rate is £30 per day but I'll accept £25 seeing as we are family".

Send her this text, she'll never ask you again.

Grumpyfroghats · 18/05/2023 11:49

I would be open to swapping a few days here and there (I assume she and her DH take some time off with the kids) as I assume you might like a bit of a break too but absolutely not to looking after her kids every school holiday.

She sounds like the sort who you should not give an inch too though

OurChristmasMiracle · 18/05/2023 11:53

Not only is she expecting child care for free, ultimately it will cost you money- any outings, food, ice creams, any treats and she will not pay for those either

Justalittlebitduckling · 18/05/2023 11:54

She made a big assumption there! What exactly was she planning to give you in return?

Ihadenough22 · 18/05/2023 12:01

Over the past few years you and your husband were to deal with and pay for child care when you both worked full time. You decided to go term time only and are taking a salary cut so your family life is easier during school holidays.
Meanwhile your sister has being availing of free childcare for years and she now expects you to mind her 4 kids when you're off. It not like she explained that she is very stuck, offered you money or helped you out over the past few years.
Your doing the right thing in telling her that this is not going to happen.

Trying to mind 5 kids of such different ages would be hard. Then what happens if you need to go places? Will your sister be providing a 7 seater car to get you all around?
It time for her to sort out and pay for proper childcare. My feeling is that now her parents and his are getting older. They don't want or are finding it harder to mind her 4 kids. Then if she is landing her kids on other people and never helping them out they have had enough also.

My feeling is that her or her husband could contact either of you about this. Tell your husband that you are not willing to do this and why. So what if she is unhappy with your decision. It's her problem and not yours.

MrsKeats · 18/05/2023 12:02

Just laugh it off.
She's ridiculous.

Newestname002 · 18/05/2023 12:03

@Fluffyfluffs

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

Thank goodness you were very clear with her immediately she announced her intentions and no, you are not being mean, you just have strong boundaries. So refreshing on here!

Be careful, however, that she doesn't try and sandbag you when the school holidays arrive and that you resist any pressure from your parents as well, to get you to share the load with them (I'm guessing mainly your mother as you mention "She does let my sister walk all over her though.")

It sounds like your sister and her husband have the financial means to take the pressure off the grandparents if she wasn't so entitled... 🌹

Cm078 · 18/05/2023 12:09

I wouldn't. We've had 0 help with childcare, spend 1000s on nursery. Wouldn't be giving free childcare to any body, if it was shared, perhaps. But YANBU

Mari9999 · 18/05/2023 12:16

@TheChoiceIsYours
Some of the sister's kids are teenagers and I doubt that they require a baby sitter.
It is interesting to moan that no one ever offered you help and in the next breathe proudly state how you are refusing to help your sister.
I said in my previous post that the sister was as presumptuous, but there does not seem to be an abundance of sisterly care and concern in either of the women.

Choosing to help someone even though they have not helped you, does not make you a doorman. Sometimes, it just makes you a better person.

InSpainTheRain · 18/05/2023 12:24

YANBU - she is massively rude for asking I think. I'd position it as "We've decided to take a hit on our finances so one of us is with DS 1 not to take on working looking after other people's children". I mean if you wanted to be a childminder to other kids you'd swap careers! I wouldn't take on anything, even as a favour because I bet she would really push it.

raincamepouringdown · 18/05/2023 12:25

Tell her to jog on.

Where was she when you needed help, eh?

YANBU

krustykittens · 18/05/2023 12:26

Choosing to help someone at the expense of your own family DOES make you a doormat. OP wants to enjoy PARENTING her child during school holidays, not being an unpaid childminder. It won't be the same and will have a negative effect on her own child, who is her priority. If her sister had ever bothered to help her out, I am sure the odd day here and there and giving her a break would be fine but it seems that for years her sister has dumped her children on other people and not given them, or others, a second thought. OP doesn't want to be added to the list of people who have been taken advantage of and I don't blame her!

foxyfoxx · 18/05/2023 12:28

Set clear boundaries in place before your new set up starts in September, as I bet she will often have lots of 'emergencies' and try dump them on you anyway.

bellabasset · 18/05/2023 12:29

I suggest you tell her it's a good idea as you'll be able to top up your income with fees by offering childcare

Brefugee · 18/05/2023 12:30

I sew and when people make idiotic or CF requests for my sewing skills i quote them a completely ridiculously high price. And they always back off.

Can you tell your sister that you'd do it for a thousand quid a week or something?

Snippit · 18/05/2023 12:32

No, you’re not being unreasonable, the cheeky mare. I can’t believe she’s even thought this to be an option, some people, totally selfish.

mrsbitaly · 18/05/2023 12:33

I mean a couple of days is one thing to spend with your niece or nephew's but childcare absolutely not. Its cheeky and entitled

Grumpyfroghats · 18/05/2023 12:38

I love the idea of all eating together but it's not practical for us during the week.

We take it in turns to pick up the kids, the person picking up is home for 5:45-6, the other person around 6:30, the kids are in bed for 7/7:30.

ChimChimeny · 18/05/2023 12:38

If she does offer any kind of reciprocal arrangement make sure she does her day(s) first because sod's law when it comes to her turn she'll have an excuse as to why she can't do it