Not to provide childcare

[Fluffyfluffs]

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

No you’re not, bloody cheek.

"I'm so pleased you've had a pay rise, now I don't need to worry about paying my mortgage" would be a suitable reply!

That 1% has got to be some serious CF who thinks it's just fine to dump their clan on any random for 6/10/14 (however many weeks of holiday it is) weeks of the year!
So .... the sister, as over in RL family are as invested as soggy flannels

Remember the old 80s anti-drugs slogan. 'Just say no'

Google

I have taken a very low paying role at a massive pay cut.

I have done this solely for the Benefit of my children.
I could no longer mentally work from him with 3 kids. Weekends and all holiday included.

I will never ever help anyone with childcare. Idgaf how that makes me sound. They can take the same job as me and lose the money.

Stick to your guns. Say no. Your DSIS AND DP are both unreasonable.

Our DPs and DPils both had help from their parents. In turn, they help other siblings with childcare. They have helped a few times a year with babysitting. They have never helped us with childcare or school pick ups, we have paid for it all. My DPIL are coming up for 80, looking after a toddler and collecting other DC from school, overnight babysitting at the weekend.

My other half want to help ease the burden on PILs. I agree they do way too much, his sibling or their partner need to reduce their hours and stop taking the piss.

My OH works condensed hours, term time, I work full time and travel for work. I'm not happy, not just because the support has been unequal. I have had serious health issues and cannot reduce my hours. We are at an impasse. If they do it, it might end us.

Most 16 year olds seem to be looking for ways to make money during the school holidys, this seems like an ideal solution, even if it's only for part of the time.

I’m another wondering why she doesn’t get her 16 year old to look after the younger ones. At 16 I was not allowed to get the summer holiday job I badly wanted (never had any money to speak of) because I had to stay at home and supervise 2 rather younger siblings.

My DM said she’d give me some money to make up for it, but she never did. 🤬

Imagine how expensive it would be to add another 2 kids along to all other activities you have planned! I might agree to a few odd days where I'm planning lazy days but no way would I agree to all holidays!

Surely the 16 year old is more than capable of looking after the siblings in the holidays! I don't understand she needs help at all!

She should have thought about school holidays etc before bringing four kids into this world. Assuming you can rely on others for your choices is absolutely A1 CF.

I would say for each hour you have two of hers, she needs to give you 2 hours of childcare for your one. Play CF at her own game.

Your sister has given me the rage and I don’t really know why but I do know I would not be providing any childcare, emergency or otherwise with the attitude she has.

And nobody needs 4 children. That was her choice so she needs to accept her 4 kids are her responsibility.

YANBU at all.

Dumping four children on you for weeks on end is ridiculous. What about the time you want to spend with your own DC to do things you both want to do? Looking after other people's children is expensive in food, drinks, supplies, and energy. It is very different to looking after your own children.

Why can't she pay the 16 year old to look after the siblings?..........let me guess, because she'd have to pay them.

I am sure you are having to take a hit in your wages to only be working term time. Tell her that she can make a similar career change and then she can look after her own children.

It is an issue if they don't want to do it, and I suspect money wouldn't be on offer if they're looking to dump their children on extended family members now for free.

Parentification is wrong.

YANBU and your sister is sooo unreasonable it's unreal!

I was going to ask this. Why doesn’t she get her older DCs to look after their siblings during the school holidays?

Noooo, definitely do not commit to offering holiday care for 2 more children, holidays will just become duper expensive and you'll never get any QT with your own child.

Enjoy the peace and quiet, with your CF sister not talking to you.

Honestly. Her kids, her problem. Don't let her kick the can down the road to your house.

Wow! Massive CF alert! Say no! I’m childless so I suppose I shouldn’t presume to comment - but I am just endlessly astonished at the amount of blatantly selfish emotional blackmail, bullying and guilt-tripping that relatives and families seem to put each other through, re childcare. Surely if someone chooses to have kids it’s their responsibility to look after them / arrange to have them looked after. So, it’s great if relatives can help out in an emergency, or if they offer to cover some childcare (unpaid or paid),but surely nobody has the right to just ‘expect’ a relative to do their parenting for them, or to pressurise them into it? Especially if they have their own job and family to take care of.

Hmm. I don't know. £20 p/h x 10 hours for providing childcare might be a nice earner 😂

Seriously though. You are definitely not being mean. In our house we call it Verucca Salt syndrome and usually reply Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa when anyone gets like this.

Enjoy your time with your DS during the holidays and don't let your sister dump them on the doorstep because she can't find childcare. If she does, leave them there.

She tried guilt tripping about easing the burden on the grandparents and how families should help eachother out. I pointed out that I’ve had very little help with my DS. She told me that having just 1 child is easier and cheaper than having 4. I did point out that it was her choice to have 4 which didn’t go down too well.

good on you OP

so families should help eachother out but only when it suits her

nevynevster · Yesterday 13:13
Surely the 16 year old is more than capable of looking after the siblings in the holidays! I don't understand she needs help at all!”

Grossly unfair. Older siblings should not be expected to provide regular childcare.

Years ago I had a good friend - sons same age and friends. My younger son and her daughter got on well. Older ones at school, my younger one due to start in September. The girl was not due to start till the following year.
Friend offered a job where she'd previously worked. She had it all sorted - her mother would look after the daughter something like three days a week and I could have her the other two.
I said no. She never spoke to me again.

I'm 6 years older than my brother and by the time I was 15/16/17, my parents expected (not asked - expected) me to stay at home every day of the summer holiday to watch him. He wasn't even there! He was off playing with his friends but I had to be at home all day in case he came back.

They had always covered the holidays through a mixture of staggered annual leave, summer camps and asking my granny to babysit but when I was old enough, they decided to save their annual leave and money at the expense of my free time.

Shite parenting strategy.

You are NOT being mean!! I can't believe anyone would even think like that (the way your sister does). Unbelievable!