Not to provide childcare

[Fluffyfluffs]

I have 1 DS who’s about to start full time school in September.

Since my DS was born, I have had very little help with childcare. We’ve spent a fortune reducing hours, paying nursery fees and DH and I have managed reasonably well to juggle things.

Im a civil servant and will be changing to working term time only from September.

I have one sister who has 4 children. 2 teens and 2 younger. My sister has always managed to work full time, has never had to pay for any childcare and has always relied on help from our parents, her in laws and whoever else will help her. Their joint income is a lot higher than ours.

She announced yesterday that she’s glad I’m going to be working termtime as it means she won’t have to worry about childcare in the school holidays.

I told her that I won’t be providing childcare during the school holidays and now she’s not speaking to me. Am I being mean?

Say no. Even if she offers to pay you. Which I doubt she will

We’re quite close

😐

You're completely in the right here. Don't let her make you feel guilty. If she'd asked politely you possibly could have helped out occasionally but I can not bear people who assume things instead of asking. Cheeky cow

From what I read in the original post and the subsequent comments I read where people were saying she should pay etc. that was my conclusion. I don’t believe in charging to help with childcare UNLESS it’s going to be a financial burden for me for example we were going abroad and taking the extra kids or going on days out that cost more than a few quid.

I would also look after my sister’s kids for her to go on Holiday or for her to go to an event etc because we have that relationship.
If my sister called me today and said “Hey I’m going to France could you have the kids Friday to Sunday” (she did this in in April because her friend got discounted Eurostar tickets) I would say sure no problem.

I work from home and both my SIL and Sister work in child protection so don’t get school holidays off and I regularly have 6 kids on top of my 4 in my house on school holidays, it’s manic but it’s family and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Our system works because it’s fully reciprocated if it’s not then hell to the bloody no I wouldn’t do something for someone who is a selfish AH.

How old are her younger ones? She is almost at the point where her 16 year old could look after them some of the time - e.g. for a couple of hours at the end of the day to take the strain off the grandparents

I wouldn't get involved in explaining yourself, she will keep coming up with arguments but it's your time, your decision. And I wouldn't even offer the odd day or if an emergency because it's clear she will take advantage

Looking after a small child voluntarily when you are young and at college is quite different to sacrificing a full-time salary to spend school holidays with your child and being expected to care for two extra kids all day for free for weeks at a time!!

Oh my goodness, what is your sister thinking?! 😂 There is no way in a million years I would do this either and she is being incredibly cheeky thinking that you would do it.

The answer to this is that she created the burden on your mother by making your mum do regular childcare, and you have never placed such demands on your mum, therefore it's not your problem to fix. If your sister is so worried about the childcare burden on your mum, she can start paying for childcare rather than shunting it onto you.

Also, one child is not cheap if you have zero family help and have to pay for all childcare and babysitting. We have just one DC, and our nursery bill is almost a second mortgage and a night out costs over £50 for a babysitter. I would be fuming at that comment if I were you.

Anecdotally, I have noticed that it is mainly people who have shedloads of family help who go on to have more than one child. She chose to have 4 because she's never had to do it all by herself or pay for the childcare.

You have been very restrained so far OP.

Exactly - she has put the burden on your mother and her MIL!

It’s for her to relieve it by booking holiday clubs like everyone else, taking her leave separately to her husband if needs be (or at least in part). I’d be miffed if I was a grandparent, and I was asked to do holiday childcare if my Dd/ds then took leave all to themselves in term time, or if the couple took two weeks together, rather than taking at least one separately to cover as much of the hols as possible.

My favourite reply on her thought is “oh good, you’ve got a high full-time salary! That means I don’t have to worry about paying my bills this month, paying for our family holiday etc”

OP I have a suggestion for her - she can pay her 16 year old to look after their younger 2 siblings as it is cheaper than paying an adult.

Unfortunately while you are off over the school holidays you will be going out a lot with your one child including around the country visiting places and friends so you are unavailable.

The cost of childcare for 4 children is expensive and that is why lots of people stop and less than that, the sheer cost.

Your sister has influcted the childcare care of 4 children on her mother and MIL, real CF in my opinion.

Would she have had 4 children if she actually had to pay for childcare?.

She certainly has made sure that her parents are too worn out to help out anyone else.

I'm surprised so many are suggesting that OP looks after her DSis's DC and gets paid for it. At no point has OP expressed a wish to become a child-minder. Many of us love our own DC but don't want to spend our days taking care of other peoples; it's not a job for everyone and we should get to choose our own career.

Your DSis knows exactly what she is doing in trying to manipulate you and she isn't even offering to do childcare in return. OP is changing her working hours and most likely taking a pay cut so she can be there for her DC and spend quality time with them. This is to benefit her DC and OP herself. DSis doesn't wish to make any such sacrifices which is her choice along with it being her choice to have 4. OP is not obliged to do anything for someone who wouldn't do similar for her.

I'd recommend being blunt here and telling her that she'll just have to pay for childcare like everyone else does or reduce her hours etc. Say it loud and clear and just keep repeating it. You could also point out that you don't get any help from parents/in-laws whereas she has had years of help and that you are making sacrifices to benefit your DC and perhaps she should do so for hers. Repeat this every time she tries it on.

If she starts to annoy you, you could just ask her why doesn't she want to parent her own children?

I'd certainly rather be working than trying to keep 3 children, of different familys, happy for the holidays.

Much easier to work!

Don't you dare OP, she is taking the piss! The neck of her! Stand strong on this.

99% say ur not being unreasonable. That's pretty unanimous. How cheeky of her. She's not someone I'd be worried about offending with a great big fat NO.

Wow, she has a massive sense of entitlement and sounds like a nasty, selfish person. Just say NO and ignore her nonsense.

No, she is a CF

In similar circumstances I looked after by niece and nephew in the school holidays
Am very close to my sister and her family and love spending time with them

All due respect here but that worked for you.

It doesn't work for the OP.

In similar circumstances

They aren’t very similar, really-are they?

The fact she’s now not speaking to you suggests how little she respects you.

I wouldn’t agree to having my brothers 2 kids every day/13 weeks a year either… not even for money! The odd day here and there of course, but I’d never commit to looking after anyones child during holidays… I like doing my own stuff with my DD… having to please someone else’s kids would be a nightmare!

Why can't the 16 year old look after the siblings?

I would say, is t it great Johnny/Mary is 16 and can look after the younger ones for you.