Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put son in nursery so I can clean?

191 replies

msdelilah · 18/05/2023 07:58

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 18/05/2023 08:00

he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me

Nursery sounds like a sticking plaster when the real problem is you have a shit husband and father. Honestly I would be putting him in nursery and going back to work. Being a sahm is only trapping you in a terrible relationship.

Tigofigo · 18/05/2023 08:01

I'd get a cleaner instead tbh. Nursery is expensive and you'd probably get a cleaner for a good few hours and can use that time to play with your baby uninterrupted. Your DH can clearly afford it.

Btw your DH sounds like a selfish lazy misogynistic arse.

Tigofigo · 18/05/2023 08:02

Let me guess - your H "doesn't want you to go back to work"

Tigofigo · 18/05/2023 08:03

What were things like before you had DC, I wonder?

Did you work? Did you still do everything?

Lilacsbloominspring · 18/05/2023 08:03

I wouldn’t go for a cleaner.

Ignoring the husband problem, and I sympathise, I have done this and it works. The rest of MN can apparently clean around the baby/toddler; I can’t. Mine has completely trashed the house in less than an hour this morning 🙄

He goes on Friday afternoons and I can actually get stuff DONE!

Vegalam · 18/05/2023 08:03

Could his extremely good pay be used for a cleaner or is he against that too?

I think it's fair for your DC to go to nursery. We all need a break especially if your partners not helping to provide that for you.

dwightschrutebeets · 18/05/2023 08:06

I'm a SHAM to an 18 month old whose not in nursery. We have a cleaner and DH who works long hours in a stressful job still does his fair share of the cleaning. Sounds like your husband needs to pull his weight a bit more or/and get a cleaner. Kids are so messy and they're into everything.'I clean the kitchen constantly and its still a mess!

FlounderingFruitcake · 18/05/2023 08:06

No I wouldn’t do nursery 1 day a week for an 11 month old. If you need the childcare then that’s something else but I wouldn’t choose to send a child under 2 as they don’t really get any benefit from it. Also, 1 day a week will be a nightmare for settling because it’s so inconsistent and I’d actually be surprised if you found a setting willing to do less than 2 days. I suppose there’s not much point slating your DH as a parent and partner so practically I’d say get a cleaner and sign up to Hello Fresh.

Lilacsbloominspring · 18/05/2023 08:06

The thing with a cleaner is that they usually come once a week.

With small children, it tends to be little and often - three morning or afternoon sessions will really help.

Plus you need to do stuff other than clean. Cook, laundry, god forbid watch a TV programme uninterrupted …

And it is a massive stress in itself getting the house tidy for the cleaner!

TimeSlipMushroom · 18/05/2023 08:06

If the cleaning isn't too bad maybe focus on getting the baby used to DH.

Could you plan a trip out alone for an hour or two on the day he doesn't work. He also needs to be involved in baths, feeding, playing bedtime routine.

If he's not willing then follow all the other advice above!

GrazingSheep · 18/05/2023 08:08

At the very least tell us you have full access to money?

peachgreen · 18/05/2023 08:10

I’d put him in nursery so you can go back to work and divorce your shit of a husband, tbh.

kkneat · 18/05/2023 08:10

when my children were little my DH would take them out Saturday morning for a few hours & I would blitz the house. Could that work for you? During the week I’d get a couple of jobs a day done, I worked p/t locally, DH long hours with an hour journey each way

Notsure94 · 18/05/2023 08:10

Book him into the nursery and then book yourself into a spa for the day or more realistically go home and sleep. You sound exhausted.

bellac11 · 18/05/2023 08:11

Get a cleaner in, specify perhaps one hour 3x per week

Then sit down and clarify whose roles are whose and who wants to do what, bearing in mind that the roles you have both chosen are seemingly that he goes out to work and you do the work at home. If you dont want that to continue then there needs to be a different plan for you both. Perhaps you going back to work would be an idea.

Quitelikeacatslife · 18/05/2023 08:13

You really need to talk to DH. Put it in a business like way if he will understand that. During the week you are doing childcare like a nanny. Would you want or expect a nanny to do the shopping and cleaning washing etc as well? No because it would not be good for the child, and ask him to have baby one Saturday and see how much cleaning he can get done. so on weekends and evenings he needs to step up and either take the baby or do jobs round the house. And definitely get a cleaner, book them to come when you have a class or something with baby abc get out of house . At least the bathrooms kitchen and floors are done once a week then.

Needmorelego · 18/05/2023 08:14

Get a playpen for your baby and put him in it with some toys while you do whatever cleaning/cooking needs to be done.

MooseBreath · 18/05/2023 08:15

I'm going to echo the clear "DH problem" here.

That aside, I would suggest nursery 2-3 half days per week for ease of settling and giving you adequate time to get things done and have time to yourself. A cleaner is a good option, but I actually think you should value yourself first and foremost, and that means a proper break.

Do you have any family nearby?

Spendonsend · 18/05/2023 08:18

There are a couple of options

If DH is desd set against nursery, he could take some unpaid parental leave and give you a break. Or work condensed hours and take the baby to a swim class whilst you clean.

You could get a cleaner and go out with your child and do something nice

You could use childcare and do cleaning.

You could just say you were focused on the childs development needs so didnt clean and he can just lump it.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 18/05/2023 08:20

MooseBreath · 18/05/2023 08:15

I'm going to echo the clear "DH problem" here.

That aside, I would suggest nursery 2-3 half days per week for ease of settling and giving you adequate time to get things done and have time to yourself. A cleaner is a good option, but I actually think you should value yourself first and foremost, and that means a proper break.

Do you have any family nearby?

Agree.

nursery t/w/t 9-12. Then your child has more opportunity to settle and you get 9 hours a week to look after yourself and get all the wife work done more efficiently and look after yourself. Dr’s, dentists, hairdresser etc.

get a cleaner as well.

I also agree that you should seriously consider going back to work. Keep your financial independence.

are you paying into a pension while you’re a sahm? That should always be part of the deal when one gives up work. Get a SIPP and start paying in now.

Original poster
msdelilah · 18/05/2023 08:29

Thank you for the replies. At the end of the day, leaving my husband isn't what I want or an option. We have a baby together and the job I had before was really low salary compared to his and I'd never be able to live alone with DS. I love my husband and although I agree he clearly does not understand what being the working parent vs being the stay at home one actually means, he isn't a bad guy.

Thought about a cleaner (we had one when we both worked actually) but because I'm at home most of the day, I feel I'd be cleaning and worrying getting everything picked up for them, it was different when we were both out the house for work.

He doesn't want me to go back to work, no, I admit that. He wants me there for our son and I do want that too, I'm happy to do everything required in the working hours he is at work but it's extremely difficult to be doing everything constantly 24/7 for both our son and him.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 18/05/2023 08:32

With men like this there's always a logical inconsistency. Either you should be able to get everything done during the day because looking after the baby is easy - in which case he can easily do it on evenings or weekends. Or looking after the baby is far too difficult for him to do when he's not at work, in which case of course you can't do the housework.

If I had a SAHPartner, I'd expect them to keep on top of the day to day housework (cleaning after meals, tidying toys, laundry), most of the time (there will be days when that's impossible).

As per everyone else - you should have equal leisure time, and you should think about going back to work.

SkyandSurf · 18/05/2023 08:32

Your DH should be taking the baby and giving you adequate breaks and rest.

This arrangement works for some families but it requires mutual respect and understanding of each others roles.

DH lacks respect for your contribution.

Sissynova · 18/05/2023 08:33

He isn’t a bad guy? He clearly wants fuck all to do with his child if you think you’re “lucky” when he holds the baby for 5 minutes before handing him back to you when he cries or needs anything.
What part of that makes someone a good guy?
Most decent men actually want to spend time with their children.

Either way 1 day a week at nursery is unlikely to sold your problems. DS would likely struggle with the transition for a considerable amount of time as 1 day isn’t enough to get him used to any amount of routine.

JenniferBarkley · 18/05/2023 08:34

A good guy would show you more respect.