to put son in nursery so I can clean?

[msdelilah]

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

Your final post makes me very sad - I really really hope you think about the comments here and have a serious conversation with your husband about his terrible attitude & behaviour, as he seems to be gaslighting you. All that aside - nursery is really good for a kids development but if they are not on a list already you might struggle to get them a place before 2!

@Lelophants I would never suggest the baby goes in a playpen for the whole day 😂
But if the OP needs 10 minutes to put a food shop away she could pop baby in the playpen - with his own toy food to 'sort' out - so he isn't under her feet. Or 10 minutes to clean the bathroom - again pop him in the playpen and she can chat and narrate what's she's doing "I'm going to clean the sink now...squirt the toilet cleaner in the toilet....all clean now".
Mine preferred her bouncy chair - she would sit in it happily watching me do my thing - tidy up/clean/sit down and drink a cup of tea and I would chat to her while I did it.

Of course they benefit. They're not vegetables. They're soaking up everything going on around them. Mine was in nursery from 6 months for 2 days a week.

I can’t believe some posters are saying you should put your baby on their own in a playpen so you can clean all day

Of course not, but nobody was actually suggesting that.
The playpen could be used every so often when the OP feels the need to do her husband's washing, or has to put the shopping away and her husband is incapable of holding his own child while she does it.

Or when she wants to clean the bathroom without the baby crawling under her feet - or just needs a cup of tea.

Naturally, the real solution is for all household chores to be shared equally between them.

But as the OP says:
I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well

....................of course, her husband cannot be expected to parent his child or get on with the batch cooking.

Wake up, OP. You're yet another one who is being taken advantage of. Go away for the weekend and leave your H to look after the baby and the house. THat might teach him to understand.

Op I would lower your standards a bit for just a few months
and just clean best you can. everyone struggles when you have a little one. It does get easier as they get older to just go about your day and they toddle after you 'helping'.

I think one day a week may be difficult for the baby to settle at a nursery, you could maybe do 2 mornings or something similar though. That would be fine. Expensive though. Would be cheaper to get a cleaner!

Side stepping your DHs disinterest in doing any actual parenting, and his disrespect for the extremely hard work that you do, what about a home help once or twice a week, someone that can just come in and play with your little one for a few hours and look after them while you get some cleaning etc done?

Explain to DH it's not physically possible to look after a baby and also clean simultaneously as you don't have 4 hands.

Two naps a day? Please tell that to my 13 month old who hasn't reliably napped during the day for a good few months. Sometimes she'll have one nap, some days, no naps or a 5 minute snooze then up again.

Put your son in nursery (11 months is more than old enough), go back to work and get a cleaner.

You're brainwashed and beyond help, sorry. He has won.

@Achwheesht no I am not over 50.
Crappy useless husband or not I find it bizarre the OP can't pack away a shopping delivery because she needs to be holding her baby at the same time. That's where the playpen will be useful.

@Achwheesht or she could just put the baby on the floor while she unloads the shopping 🙄

1. Two mornings a week at nursery is fine. Mine went 9-12 two mornings a week until they were 2, then went 9-1 so they could have lunch. At 3, they did two full days which got them in the swing of long days by the time they went to school.

What you are suggesting is not unreasonable, kids need other kids and it is good for them to socialise. Two girls in my daughters' classes had no nursery before they went to school and they really struggled being away from their mums. It made school and playdates impossible. If anything, a bit of nursery and independence is fine and will set them up well for school.

2. The reason your husband gets to work the hours he does AND be a father is because of all the "unpaid" work that you do at home. YOU deserve some downtime too because you are working just as hard, if not harder and he clearly doesn't see it. At the very least, you should be having some time away from the baby at the weekend, you will go mad very fast without it.

3. You put in the thread that you couldn't afford to live on your own without him. We need to be clear. You can. If he is earning that much, you would be entitled to spousal and child maintenance from him and it would be possible (spot the divorcee in the thread!). If for any reason you think his behaviour is unreasonable, please don't for a second put money as a reason to stay.

4. I did divorce my problem husband, my eldest was 2 and my youngest was 1. We have a messier house but we are so much happier and I am a far better mum and role model now than I would be as a slave to the wage earner who did not respect me.

I am friends with women who work and women who have given up legal and medical careers to be stay at home mums and the thing I always notice is those husbands absolutely respect the work their wives do to keep the trains on the tracks so they just have to worry about work. They will take the children at the weekend so mum gets a break (not to clean but relax). They will take time off when their wives are unwell and the children need looking after. They also load the dishwasher and walk the dog. The wives have full access to the family income and the husbands absolutely support their decisions for the wellbeing of the family unit as a whole including nursery, cleaners and even moving house.

The issue you have is not whether or not nursery is a good idea. The issue is your husband's behaviour and he won't change until you tell him to. Unfortunately you are going to have to set some expectations and boundaries which is the hardest thing.

Work out what will make you a happy and set some expectations. If you can afford it, have the nursery and the cleaner. Spend one morning a week doing the house stuff and one morning relaxing. Also, try and not have the cleaner on a nursery morning. You can't relax when someone is cleaning your loo!

If your husband is a decent man, he will first and foremost want a happy wife and marriage for his son to grow up around. If he is more worried about being tired from work, he probably has no business being a husband at all.

I really hope that he steps up for you but you need to make it clear that he has to!

Either get a cleaner or put in nursery and go to work to get yourself your own life and identify.

Wheesht yersel.
Nothing wrong with a playpen. My baby and I love ours, baby and toys safely and happily contained while I do whatever needs to be done. Even if that's have a cup of tea.
He's not in there for hours at a time being ignored, how dramatic 🙄

Your husband is a dickhead. He doesn't get to do fuck all with your child and simultaneously be against putting your son in nursery.

Get a cleaner AND put your son in nursery a day or two a week so you can have a proper break from it all, and tell your DH to fuck off if he objects.

Oh my dear , you really can’t see the wood for the trees can you ?
of course you won’t leave your husband and of course you love him but I beg you please consider that he is a toxic person who wants you in the house doing it all , of course you want to stay home and look
after them cause you love them , I can relate , but he isn’t showing much love , compassion and help . He is being very very very selfish and is showing quite a severe lack of empathy . Criticising you for not being able to hold the baby 100% of the time ( his baby ) and clean the house properly ( his house ) it’s not a good sign and I do agree with others … get a job cause this situation is trapping you in a terrible relationship.

Your DH sounds just like my late FIL tbh. He would visit when the children were small expect us to wait on him hand foot and finger, and take his hearing aids out so he couldn’t hear the children. In short he had minimal interaction with his grandchildren and was genuinely mystified when they grew up wanting nothing to do with him ( I wasn’t). Your DH needs to get his act together with his child. He will do this best when you are not around so maybe start him with an hour while you go to the shop or for a walk. Secondly there is a serious imbalance in work load. Your DH might work long hours but presumably he gets weekends and evenings off. You currently do not and that needs sorting. The fact that he earns a lot of money is frankly irrelevant here. You might not be earning but you are saving him a shed load by doing all the housework cooking and childcare. He might want to consider how much of his humongous salary would be needed to buy the services you provide for free. It’s high time you had a serious conversation that results in you getting some help and a reasonable amount of time for yourself.

You could leave him.
I don't think you will even though he sounds awful. That is not a partnership and he is also a shit dad. And you both will be setting a terrible example for your son in the longer term.

1950s have long gone

Hi, I put my daughter in nursery 1/2 a day a week when I was on maternity from when she was 7 months old (I was unwell and needed the rest). She settled in well and enjoyed her time there. She's 2 in July and she goes to the nursery 4 days a week and loves it!

So basically I don't think your son would be too young to go, and I think he would still settle in even if he only went for 1/2 a day a week. And you can then do you your jobs (or sleep...I'd sleep 😂)

I’m a SAHM to three kids and we have a cleaner. Could you get one? I don’t think the household stuff is default the person at home’s job, my job is looking after the kids, my husband’s job is outside the home and we both do the chores. A cleaner has really changed my life though as the mess and dirt is constant! I’m not sure nursery would let you just do one day a week would they? I wouldn’t prioritise cleaning in this situation, spend time with your child and pay someone else to do it.

HRTFT but no I don't think putting your baby in nursery one day is a good idea.
I hate putting my babies into nursery at that age and only do it because I have to. Mine have always done 3 days and wouldn't have settled if it was only one day, it would have been like settling all over again every week. If you have a super chilled, non clingy baby then it might be different.
I would be getting a cleaner for a lot less money to do the bathrooms/kitchen.
I would also be having a serious word with my DH. The hours when he is home, housework/childcare should be SHARED. Single men are perfectly capable of working full time and taking care of themselves/doing housework/cooking. Just because they have a wife it doesn't render them useless.

Many intelligent people struggle with household tasks. Perhaps her brain is wired differently to yours.

I wouldn't day put baby in 1 full day a week but split it across 2 or 3 mornings. And potentially get a cleaner too.

You can both clearly afford it, so him saying no is just him being a twat he can clearly see that you are struggling.

He works long days but SO DO YOU! If being a parent was "so easy" then he would do bits when he is home but he can't even change a nappy?!

I would literally provide a typed out print out of everything you do in a day and also provide print outs of salaries of top London nannies and tell him its only fair you get a break.

If he won't agree to pull his weight more, agree to a nursery &/or cleaner then tell him you are going back to work.

And if he still agrees to none of the above I'd say LTB, you'd be better on your own.