to put son in nursery so I can clean?

[msdelilah]

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

I think nursery is a great idea! It will give you some time to get stuff done and also have a bit of time to yourself.

Id personally do one full day a week. Half days are a nightmare with getting them ready etc.

My DD went to nursery at 11 months, she loved it and I think it did her good.

I disagree that a working spouse can't be expected to lift a finger when they get home from work. They have both worked during the day, one out of the home and one providing childcare (which allows the other parent to be out of the home). That's a decision they made together. It doesn't absolve the working parent from doing any domestic chores when they get home. Everyone has to do that, I go to work all day and come home and things still need doing, I'd love to be able to finish my day and just put my feet up for the rest of the evening 5 days a week but I can't because I have children and a home to sort out.

If OP is doing everything during the day for their children and home (fine, that's the agreement) when is her time to put her feet up if her husband can never be expected to cook a meal or clean when he gets home? Isn't that then just expecting her to work 24/7 and him Xam - Ypm? Why does he get time off when he gets home and she doesn't, because he's earning money?

It should be split when they are both home so that they both get some time to themselves to relax in an evening.

The simple fact of the matter is that your DH is shirking his family responsibilities. He needs to do more. You are a partnership, not his paid housekeeper.

I’m a SAHP with a child in secondary school and my house isn’t spotless because I prioritise my hobbies and social life over cleaning.

There’s no way I’d spend my down time cleaning the house top to bottom, that’s a mugs game. It’s clean enough and not overly tidy but we’re all fed and happy and that’s all that matters. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi OP. As others have pointed out, nursery to facilitate cleaning is not financially sound because it is cheaper to hire a cleaner. But I would suggest that you need a break at least 1 day a week. Yes, you're a SAHM but having visited a few in prep for mine to go in a couple of months time, i honestly believe that a good one is great for their development. If the finances check out, thats a good enough reason. You can spend a couple of hours doing the chore you want, and have a good few hours for you and what you enjoy doing.

And I love the 'baby naps so you get that time' stuff. When I was at home yes my baby might nap for an hour. And that hour wasn't spent sat on my arse, it was spent washing up, putting a load on, clearing up the mess they'd made that morning, sorting lunch for when they woke up, doing the odd jobs around the house that just seem to manifest. I missed the lunch hour I had at work when where I could eat something and scroll through my phone for an hour!

The biggest issue that I see in your post is that your husband isn’t developing a relationship with his son, which he is probably going to regret in years to come. Just enjoy your time with your son and stop stressing about the housework. When the shopping arrives ask your husband to take your son out for a walk or take him out yourself while your husband puts the shopping away. Just enjoy this time with your baby.

Exactly.
And your dh is not a 'good' guy. He doesn't respect you at all.
Please don't say that when you both worked you did all the cooking cleaning etc. if so you don't stand a chance of getting lazy-arse to lift a finger.

Nursery sounds like a good idea!

Could you do more than one day and look into getting a PT job? Or maybe doing some volunteering or furthering your education?

My primary reason for suggesting this is not financial.
I believe that maintaining and or building a strong social support system and learning a new/valuable skill would be a really good idea!

Your DH is a useless piece of shit. I'm a SAHM and DH is still expected to do some parenting too! Being a SAHM is your job, sure but you don't have to be doing it 24/7 as I'm sure you are given he probably only works 40 hours a week. Get your DH to step up, pronto (and get a cleaner). It's really important you are able to have some time for yourself, being a SAHM can really take a toll on your mental well-being as it is absolutely relentless never getting a break.

It makes me so sad when women post on here about shit dad's / husbands and then say 'but I love him'
Sometimes that isn't enough. And how can you love someone who clearly doesn't care enough about their child to the point that they won't even try to comfort them when they cry. Noone knows how their partner will be as a parent but now you do, do something about it. And have some self respect. You deserve more.

Exactly.
This is what DH and I did.
I don't understand women who believe that the husband's paid work outside the home is so taxing that he cannot be expected to hold his own child for five minutes.
Or that the husband's paid work is harder and more important than the wife's unpaid work in the home.

@msdelilah why do you (or husband) need to hold your son while doing something like putting the shopping away? He isn't a newborn.
Just put him down. He will either crawl or toddle away to play with his toys or you get him to 'help' ie he holds a box of something while you sort it.
Your husband also doesn't need to "take" the baby when he is at home and you want to do something like have a bath - he just needs to be in the same room as him. Baby can pootle around doing baby things and lazy arse husband can read his phone (I mean it would be better if he played with the baby or read him a book or something - but I am sure he can manage sitting on the sofa while being in the same room as baby).

To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me.

he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me

What an utter cunt.

Shit partner.

Shit dad.

I love my husband and although I agree he clearly does not understand what being the working parent vs being the stay at home one actually means, he isn't a bad guy.

He absolutely is NOT a good guy.

He doesn't love you enough to be kind to you.

I don't know how you can be to be with someone so unkind.

I think the issue is that your husband is not pulling his weight & isn’t showing you respect.

nothing wrong with child attending nursery PT to give you a break & it’ll be good for child to get the stimulation etc.

But you need to have a word with him

Why do you or your dh have to hold your 11 month old when you out the grocery away? This to be is really, really strange. Some 11 months can walk. Just put the child in the same room as you. This can surely not be a problem. Do you carry the child all day, if so poor child.

What’s DH’s beef with nursery?

I was a SAHM in a family of people who thought ‘infants should be with their mums 24/7.’ For context, though, while DH was absent a minimum of twelve hours a day, six days a week, he mucked in when he got home. Even if he was dead on his feet he could still change a bum; your DH seems confused between SAHM and personal servant.

What other posters have said, putting bubs into nursery for a session on two or three consecutive days is a solid plan. I decided to fight fire with fire with the nursery-phobes and I discovered it’s very common in other countries for SAHM to get a break in this way and in some is viewed as a social necessity for all concerned. There is lots of research to show DC benefit from the experience; anecdotally, DC2 went in for two mornings at 18 months and she flourished. By the time she was three she was all business, jaunting away half of every day like a wee champ and though technically she didn’t ‘need’ to be there, she ended up much more outgoing and socially adept than the one who stayed entirely at home til he was three, maybe it’s a personality thing (but I don’t really think so). My mum actually changed her (strident) anti-nursery views and said from watching DC2 she thought a couple of mornings in nursery should be offered by the state for all babies over a year!

A small amount of paid childcare from a young age gave me more choices regarding RTW, because I used the time alone to get further professional qualifications (distance learning).

Personally, I’d forget deep cleaning and batch-cooking for the time being, as you’re not particularly respected for the work you’re already doing. I’d facilitate my own future career because it sounds like for the sake of your well-being (and relationship) you need a bit more equality.

When we get a food shop delivered, 11mo DD2 just crawls around flinging things and poking stuff while DH and I put it away! Doesn't solve your shitty DH problem but I don't think anyone needs to be holding an 11mo while one person puts stuff away. Just let them roam or stick them in high chair with an oatcake or something for 10 mins. You should definitely both be putting it away regardless! But in the absence of your DH stepping up, make sure you are making your own life easier. It's fine for 11mo babies to just sit with toys or be poking a loaf of bread or whatever while you get stuff put away/done.

Some babies have different ideas about this, especially in the evening.

Please do not have another child.
Your life will be hellish with your husband- he won’t look after either child and you will be left completely sleep deprived with 2 crying kids in a messy house, with him complaining at you.

He doesn't love you enough to be kind to you.
@monsteramunch spot on.

.

Yes, babies are all different, but they don't need to be held all the time at eleven months.
In any case, they have two naps a day at this age.

Right, but my babies contact napped until well over 2.

Being at home with your child is your job. Picking up after your husband, doing his cleaning etc isn't. He may not fully get it so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt once but he needs a reality check. He's treating you like a slave. There are figures that are easy to find on the Internet about how much a SAHM should be paid if you had to buy in childcare, housekeeping, cooking etc and its in the six figures (and breaks all working time legislation).

You are enabling him to earn. If you didn't do what you do he couldn't do his job. A good man recognises that. A good father is involved and engaged and a good partner does not act as he is acting.

Put simply whilst looking after a child that young the cleaning cannot also be your job as it is an extra job. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, house maintenance, gardening, are not sub sets of child care. They are other household jobs. He goes to an office to work. You do childcare. Everything else needs to be divied up between you and done when the other is doing child care or outsourced. It's not complicated and it's not rocket science.

Yeah the solution here is divorce. You work he works 60 hours a week - you work 60 hours looking after the kid whilst he is working, plus it seems another 60 - which he should be doing! Childcare is work. House work is work. And you need a break also.

Exactly! People seem to forget that you need to pay a daycare to look after your child and a cleaner to clean. You can’t do both all the time. Sorry but the child comes first. I can’t believe some posters are saying you should put your baby on their own in a playpen so you can clean all day. Why be at home then as they’d get more attention at nursery!