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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put son in nursery so I can clean?

191 replies

msdelilah · 18/05/2023 07:58

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

OP posts:
Fandabedodgy · 18/05/2023 08:35

A cleaner would probably be cheaper than nursery.

DH can pay.

He does need to step
Up though. He's treating you like a housekeeper.

SkyandSurf · 18/05/2023 08:39

I'd also plan my return to work if I were you.

You say your potential income is lower than DH's now- what will it be like in 5 years time?

Lower still.

You will be more and more dependent on him.

Get back into the workforce or use this time to study or retrain into something that pays better.

What's the plan? That you never return to work?

SkyandSurf · 18/05/2023 08:40

Fandabedodgy · 18/05/2023 08:35

A cleaner would probably be cheaper than nursery.

DH can pay.

He does need to step
Up though. He's treating you like a housekeeper.

He absolutely treating you like a housekeeper- except a housekeeper would have the legal right to breaks and time off.

Dovetail40 · 18/05/2023 08:40

msdelilah · 18/05/2023 08:29

Thank you for the replies. At the end of the day, leaving my husband isn't what I want or an option. We have a baby together and the job I had before was really low salary compared to his and I'd never be able to live alone with DS. I love my husband and although I agree he clearly does not understand what being the working parent vs being the stay at home one actually means, he isn't a bad guy.

Thought about a cleaner (we had one when we both worked actually) but because I'm at home most of the day, I feel I'd be cleaning and worrying getting everything picked up for them, it was different when we were both out the house for work.

He doesn't want me to go back to work, no, I admit that. He wants me there for our son and I do want that too, I'm happy to do everything required in the working hours he is at work but it's extremely difficult to be doing everything constantly 24/7 for both our son and him.

Go back to work
consider a training course and then reenter the job market in a not so low paid job.

Divide all chores n child care.

Calmdown14 · 18/05/2023 08:43

Get a play pen or the room divider type (or put up travel cot with some toys)

He's nearly one. Can you really not put him down to play for 10 minutes? Not so much for cleaning, I mean for taking in an online shop. Is he in a routine where he sleeps in the afternoon?

Your husband will have to have him for an hour at the weekend or after work so you can do bigger tasks. For the smaller stuff you need 10 minute tasks. Clean the sink and toilet while he's in the bath, wipe round the kitchen while he's in his high chair. While of course you need eyes on him, he doesn't need your undivided attention at all times. Learning to entertain himself in short bursts is good for his development.

If you can get on top of things with a deep clean then it gets easier so your husband will need to facilitate a morning for this or stop moaning

SunnySaturdayMorning · 18/05/2023 08:45

He is a bad guy though, because he’s watching you struggle and he doesn’t care.

He’s refusing to parent or raise his child.

When he doesn’t care about his wife or child, how can he possibly be a good guy?

Remaker · 18/05/2023 08:50

I’d get a cleaner. For me the hassle of settling your child into nursery when he didn’t actually need to be there, plus the illnesses he’d pick up, would make it not worthwhile.

You need to speak to your husband about sharing the load more when he’s around. It’s just absolutely ridiculous that a grown man can’t look after his own child for more than 5 mins. He needs to get his head out of his arse and be a proper father.

BreviloquentBastard · 18/05/2023 08:56

Why are so many women's bars so low? This is what constitutes a "good guy"?

Tidsleytiddy · 18/05/2023 08:57

Needmorelego · 18/05/2023 08:14

Get a playpen for your baby and put him in it with some toys while you do whatever cleaning/cooking needs to be done.

Exactly what I was going to say. I had a playpen back in the day. Marvs

Heronwatcher · 18/05/2023 08:58

Yes YWBU. The issue is that your husband is a lazy arse. Cleaning (especially deep cleaning) is not important when you’ve got young kids, it’s basically pointless anyway. If your house is tidy and not revolving then it’s fine. If he wants it cleaner why can’t he take a day off work and do it himself?

Honestly if you can afford to send your son to nursery I would be getting a job/ studying, much more useful, especially when you’ve married a lazy twat and might need to leave him. Plus your H will realise you have some financial independence and might start pulling his weight.

WildRose2023 · 18/05/2023 08:59

I am also a SAHM and my son is now 3.5, plus we have a newborn. My situation with my husband was very similar to what you describe. Our solution was - cleaner on Monday mornings to just focus on kitchen and help with folding laundry, and on Thursday afternoons to clean the house. Rather than nursery I hired a part time nanny to help on Thursday and Fridays. It felt like a luxury but I honestly was doing childcare 24/7 as my husband works basically 6/7 days a week, we have literally zero family support so no one to ever watch him for even an hour if I needed, and I was exhausted and miserable. But I wanted to stay at home to raise my son. The days with the nanny I caught up on admin, house chores, did driving lessons and started to exercise again. I also used the time to volunteer for a local charity as I plan on moving into the charity sector when my children are in school. My son now goes to nursery for 3 hours each morning but that started last September. Don’t feel you need to justify your decision for needing help and go for it - you’ll be a better and happier Mum for doing so.

littlemousebigcheese · 18/05/2023 08:59

You don't have a cleaning issue, you have a shit husband issue. Honestly he sounds awful and the bar is already so low

CatMattress · 18/05/2023 09:00

I know you're not planning to leave him, but if it all goes wrong or he leaves you you're up shit creek without a paddle. Been there, done that. I was fortunate that I had stayed on top of qualifications and done some temp jobs that meant I was even a little bit employable, but I have spent years trying to claw my way back to where I would have been if I hadn't been living my ex's 1950s ideal.

I enjoyed being a SAHM, but alimony isn't a thing, they get away with paying the bare minimum child support in most cases. Stick your child in some kind of childcare some of the time and do a qualification that means once he's in school you'll be able to earn again and if the worst ever happens you won't be destitute.

And tell your husband he can't opt out of being a father.

JandalsAlways · 18/05/2023 09:01

Wouldn't you be better off using the money for a cleaner and spending time with your child?? Hmm

TanukiMario · 18/05/2023 09:03

I had a cleaner once a fortnight as a sahm. She would come for 3h and just catch up on whatever i was behind.
I would organise it on a day where i could be out of the house with DCs, grocery shopping usually or a class (baby class or gym with a creche).
I also didnt like to be at home while someone else cleans for me. But its not so hard to to something outside for a few hours.

berksandbeyond · 18/05/2023 09:05

Your husband sounds useless. However at 11 months I don’t understand why you can’t put the baby down for a bit, so maybe you’re also being a martyr about how hard it is to get things done?
I would go back to work if I was you. Get some independence and some of your own money

Heronwatcher · 18/05/2023 09:05

I also agree with the point that you need to have a plan for what if he leaves you. I can’t help but think that the reason he doesn’t want you to work is so that you’re forced to put up with his shit indefinitely because you’re financially dependent on him. Don’t fall for it. Do nursery and re-train for a better job- but have a plan B!

SoItGoesAgain · 18/05/2023 09:05

JandalsAlways · 18/05/2023 09:01

Wouldn't you be better off using the money for a cleaner and spending time with your child?? Hmm

She's with her child 24/7 with no break at all.

What are you on about?

Honestky OP send him to nursery one day a week but don't clean. Have an actual rest.

Hazelnuttella · 18/05/2023 09:06

I would ask DH why he works 40 hours a week but you work 168 hours.

When I was on maternity leave we found it quite simple.

8am - 5pm, Mon-Fri, DH works at work. I work looking after the baby.

Evenings and Weekends, we are both parents. We take it in turns to clean the house or entertain the baby. And we both have equal leisure time.

Hugasauras · 18/05/2023 09:10

You have a serious husband problem. Why are you doing 'absolutely everything' for him? He's an adult and can clean up after himself. SAHM doesn't mean skivvy.

I think it's fine if you want to put your child in nursery but fuck doing cleaning, use the time to earn some money or do some work training to get the fuck away from your husband.

Honestly though, I have an 11mo and days when it's just me and her and her big sister is at nursery are very chill! Although granted when I only had one maybe I didn't feel as much like that. Does your DC not nap during the day/sit in highchair to eat/amble around with toys for a bit so you can get important stuff done? I loosely follow TOMM so I do 30 mins or so during the day doing naps then when DH finishes work he either takes both kids out or does something with them while I finish anything off/chill out or we just have a blitz together around the kids.

LaMaG · 18/05/2023 09:13

If it were me I'd get a one off deep clean done and maybe schedule that once a month. Then nanny or part time creche to give yourself 1 morning off to take a break, not to clean. By 11 months the child should be playing on the floor a lot so it should be just a matter of moving baby to the room you are working in, it sounds like the child is very clingy if he demands to be lifted all the time. I think you need to work on this angle, it's not an easy habit to break so you'll need a strategy. As for DH couldn't agree more with PPs, he needs some time alone with baby maybe Sat morning or whatever. He needs to know what you do all day, ideally get away for a full day just to give him a taster. Good luck OP

Stratocumulus · 18/05/2023 09:15

Needmorelego · 18/05/2023 08:14

Get a playpen for your baby and put him in it with some toys while you do whatever cleaning/cooking needs to be done.

This! Good advice.
If you don’t have one, get one. It’s what our mothers did.
This is going to sound 1950”s housewife but my mum kept a very clean home (and dinner was on the table for Dad coming in) with a 12yr old and two under 5. My brothers were in a playpen for short periods whilst mum got on with what was needed.
Baby might not like it at first but they soon get used to it. Persevere.

TeaAndTwoSugars · 18/05/2023 09:15

These stories usually end the same, sahm is financially abused/treated poorly by dh and is no longer employable due to employment gap/lack of experience.

If I were you I'd at least do a part time job and stick ds in nursery, even if it just pays for the nursery you are keeping yourself employable and your independence.

Newnamenewname109870 · 18/05/2023 09:16

If you genuinely want to be at home with your son and hate cleaning - get a cleaner
if you need time and space and want to clean - nursery

Or you can be like me and get a cleaner and a few mornings nursery for sanity 😇

gamerchick · 18/05/2023 09:16

Ask your husband why he only works 12 hrs a day but you have to work more than that without any time off.

Tell him if he doesn't either step up and let you rest you'll be leaving him with the house and baby for a few days so he can walk a mile in your shoes

Or he can shut tf up about nursery.

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