to put son in nursery so I can clean?

[msdelilah]

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

But as a SAHM when does your “job” end. Your husband comes home from work and that’s his working day done, so when does this happen for you?

Why does someone need to be holding your son to put the shopping away? Don't you have a jumperoo or playpen you can pop him in for a little while. Or in the highchair with some toys or a snack?

I used to do this every week, it was the only way I could get anything done. Go for it!

Echo what’s been said. Cleaning is not the issue, the issue is that you sound like you’re not being valued in your relationship besides your role as a carer and housekeeper. Your husband may well be a “good guy”, but the longer this imbalance in your relationship goes on the harder it will be for him to see you as an equal and your own self esteem will also go down as a result. Tbh it already sounds like you’re not valuing yourself much, and that you are grateful for those pitiful crumbs of support that get thrown your way.

for now - yes, 💯 arrange for a few hours of nursery a week. You need it for your sanity and your self respect.

in the medium term Go back to work, regardless of pay, even if all your salary goes to pay for nursery. Your child won’t always be little, in fact these years go by in the blink of an eye and you don’t want to find yourself broke and without prospects , trust me. no one will give you a gold badge for your sacrifice.

I’m a traditional housewife OP, the kind that a lot of people see as weak and submissive because all I want is for my husband and kids (I have 2) to feel looked after and be there for them no matter what. It’s my choice. First, I’d suggest forgetting about expectation of gratitude for anything. Second, don’t feel guilty if you decide to put your child in a nursery or maybe find a playgroup for a couple of hours? A crèche? And lastly, it will get easier. It wasn’t until my oldest was 2.5 when I could finally start doing things with him around the house. Oh, and taking your baby out for the majority of the day is also helpful. As is trying minimalist out. Now it takes me around an hour to reply clean the whole house plus occasional things like window washing, jet washing patio, sorting things out etc. good luck!

OP. Sort this out today, No you don't have to spend hours 'picking up' for a cleaner. There are only three of you in the house - how bad can it be?

Get a cleaner in Mon and Fri for a few hours. Don't ask the DH. Just do it.

Tell your DH your mental health is suffering. If you get ill, what will he do then? Yes, you only have one child, but when do you have any hands free time - just to go for a coffee by yourself for an hour, or get your hair cut?

Rather than a nursery, you could get a nanny in for one afternoon per week. Then your DS can get used to her. If he's clingy to you, she can take him out. Or (preferably) she can play with him at home and you can go out.

If your DH complain about any of this, tell him to do it himself on his days off. Is the man dense?

Take steps today to look after yourself. Change your mindset. You are a person too. I say this as someone who had 4 DC and has been a SAHM for 18 years with an extreme workaholic DH who was often overseas. But he still did / does a hell of a lot more than your DH. Take action today - do if for your child. Good luck.

Probably most productive advice to date!

Hey OP!
Im a SAHM and my son (2.5yr) go to nursery one day a week and I use that day to half clean (morning) and relax (PM).
The only thing to flag is 1 day a week is v hard for LO to settle. My son went for 4 days a week for a year while I went back to work (before I quit to be SAHM).
My husband earns a v good salary but expecting him to help lots with childcare and cleaning is unrealistic as he’s got a v intense job and I think it would send him over the brink (it did me when I was working full time and trying to do house things too).
i would look into childminder or babysitter at your house while you do your bits and bobs.
A cleaner is a really good option too - just go out for a baby class while they are over.
Your DH isn’t a shit and I think other posters are getting a bit heavy handed with the slating.

He's a lazy bastard op.

What would happen if you said give me a minute im just putting the shopping away

Your DH is "confused about the lack of cleaning"? WTF? I would clear up his confusion for him sharpish. By showing him where the cleaning materials are.

I read threads like this and I'm even more grateful for my husband who actually values me as an equal and wants to be involved with his child/homelife.

The DH thing aside, of course you can send DS to nursery so you can clean. Or so you can shop. Or get your hair cut. Or so you can binge a box set. Or for no reason at all. YANBU.

OP, this is not a good set up.

Get a job (even part time), hire a cleaner, send DC to nursery and tell you DH it isn’t 1952.

You are asking for trouble and regret if you don’t find a bit of a backbone and put your needs before your husband’s misogyny.

With men like this there's always a logical inconsistency. Either you should be able to get everything done during the day because looking after the baby is easy - in which case he can easily do it on evenings or weekends. Or looking after the baby is far too difficult for him to do when he's not at work, in which case of course you can't do the housework.

💯this

Ffs..a massive stress to (be home all day) and to get the house tidy for the cleaner? 😂 I wonder how some people survive day to day life tbh..it would be funny, but it’s rather pathetic for a normal functioning adult.

I couldn’t agree with this more. You’re either a team and a partnership or you’re not. You’re not. He doesn’t see you as equal to him and he sees your baby as an inconvenience. You won’t want to acknowledge that but we’re going off your own words.

It’s heartbreaking to see women accepting this.

Hand DS to DH and go for a walk/run. Get some fresh air. Clear your head. DH needs to do his part, and it is sad that he doesn't want to.

cleaners don’t put things away so if there’s something in the way they tend to clean around it, which is very frustrating but also which is why it only takes them an hour or two to clean a 4 bed house. So nothing should be on the floor & the counters.

He needs to take the baby every evening for an hour and out on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours so you can have a sleep/bath/cup of coffee
I bet if you had a break every now and then it would be easier to get stuff done when the baby sleeps. Zero time off is not okay for any job and if it was me I would have gone insane. Also he can clean up after himself while he is in the house, why is he doing nothing?

You need equal down time, where is yours? When he goes to hand the baby back to you because his nappy needs changing why are you taking the baby? This is called parenting, he is not parenting his child.

I am a long term sahm, this is how my routine went, Saturday Dh had a lie in and then on a Sunday I got my lie in. This meant Dh got up with Ds1 from when he was a few months old (no longer a breastfed baby) then we added in Ds2 because he is a great Dad. He would come home from work, take Ds out of my arms or off the floor give him a cuddle, take him upstairs to chat to him whilst he got changed from work. He would come downstairs and make me a cup of tea. I then got a blissful 30 minutes where Dh was one on one with his son before the whole dinner and bath routine started.

This is a good Dad, not one who hands a baby back because he is crying. Your Dh needs to settle him, because God forbid you end up in hospital now for a few days, you are not conscious, how would he cope? How would he know what his routine is? When does he eat? What does he eat? What portion size should he be giving him? This is parenting. He needs to step up. And stop with the bullshit he works long hours crap. So do lots of single parents.

Your Dh is criticising your housekeeping because he has never, well I was going to say solo parented his child but it sounds like he doesn't really spend any time with him whilst you are there. So start that now, claim your downtime, go out, he will take care of his son. This is a win win situation, you can't lose. If he claims it was incredibly easy and he got lots of housework done, brilliant let's do this every week. If he claims it was hard, navigating going for a poo, making a lunch etc with a baby to care for then he might have some understanding of it being difficult at times.

My sons are now teenagers, when their Dad comes home they drop whatever it is they are doing and come into the hall to welcome him home, he is loved because he put time and effort in when they were growing up. They adore him, as do I.

You're a SAHM to a baby, not a housewife. I was still on maternity leave when my DC were 11 months. My DH did the majority of the cooking (as he enjoys it) helped out with housework and got up in the night when I needed help. Your husband isn't stepping up and it is not fair on you.

Short term I’d look for a mothers help not nursery 1 day a week. Eg a 16/17 yr old student who could come in while you are there to mind baby, take him out in pram etc.
Longer term don’t have another baby.
He needs to care for baby alone and build confidence. It’s not sustainable you 24/7. What if you need an operation or are invited to a hen party etc.
I’d seriously rethink sahm. It makes you very vulnerable and dependent on him.

I mean, your DH sounds awful but that aside: use his salary to get a cleaner (don't pick up before they come, just get out of the house and spend some quality time with your kid while they're doing their job.)

Re nursery: I wouldn't advise it personally as with only one day a week you might have some settling issues. I think a regular babysitter who came to your house and gave you a break for a few hours every week might be more practical.

If your DH is so deficient in basic co-parenting skills you need to use what he does offer- £££- to your and your kid's advantage. Good luck though. And, when you feel able, go back to work.

How do you think single parents cope? Do they live in squalor and only eat sandwiches?

When my youngest was born my other children were 5, 3, and 1. My 5 year old was full time at school and getting us all out of the door on time in a morning was a challenge. But the other 3 were at home with me 24/7. And yes I was alone. My house was clean. Toys out yes, but clean. I made myself do it because I want to live in a clean home. It's that simple.

You have one child and are moaning that you have no time. One. It's ok for them to whinge and moan a bit because you've had to put them down to get something done, or for them to sit and play with their toys for 10 mins while you whizz around in the same room.

That being said, your husband is a prick and I'd definitely get rid of him. Then again I know that I'm a capable woman and can cope alone.