to put son in nursery so I can clean?

[msdelilah]

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

No actually one day of Nursery would be great for a nice rounded development and give him social skills and experiences he wouldn't get at home! My kids really enjoyed nursery. I also found the time I then spent with them was better as I had done my jobs and also they had had variety was the best thing we did 😄 don't be hard on yourself x

But then she would need to go to work AND still look after the baby AND do all the chores. It's not likely this man is going to co parent well if he isn't bothered to parent in the first place.

Just get a cleaner in. Or leave the mess until he decides to do something about it. Or leave the baby on his lap and you have a nap from your work.
It will take time but he can be moulded.

Our DD is 9 months old and has been going to a CM every morning Monday-Friday 8am-12pm since she was 6 months old. She absolutely loves it, she’s learning so much and loves being around other children. I have a health condition so can’t look after DD all day every day and my husband works full time.

We have a cleaner every Monday for 2 hours from 10am-12pm so I spend 1-2 hours before she gets there tidying/organising the house.

Every morning our routine is 6-7am I give DD a bottle in bed whilst hubby gets ready for work and he spends 20 mins doing laundry, empties dishwasher + bins, wipes down kitchen and hoovers downstairs. He then gives DD breakfast, gets her ready and drops her at CM on his way to work.

I spend the time she is at CM resting and sorting out ‘life admin’ ie bills, shopping etc also I get hair/nails done once a month.

I do pick up from CM and watch DD for the rest of the day until husband takes over for the bedtime routine 6-7pm which they both love. He gets to chill every evening + weekend so he’s not hard done by!

It's a better option that staying in a marriage where there is no respect. Getting a cleaner or using a nursery is just putting a plaster over the issue which is her husband.

It isn't OP's job to ''mould'' her husband. He should be interested in his own child.

Why are you always holding your child?
Put him down

@msdelilah That's a lot to put on yourself, I think a morning or two a week in nursery is perfectly understandable..and personally I think good for your little one to start having some time away from mom. Honestly, I think even two morning sessions a week would be good for both of you!

And I appreciate your vent about your husband just being that - a vent. My husband and I have chosen more traditional roles in our relationship - he works hard everyday running a business and I look after our kids and the house. For some reason, this has become something society takes a negative view on, so please know that you aren't alone being a stay at home mom that does everything "home" related! But this set-up works for us - because my husband works extremely hard to provide for us, I am happy to manage our house and change all the nappies, etc. (I think my husband has maybe changed 10 nappies per each of our kids - ages 6, 5, and 1) But it works for us!

I do think your husband needs to up his game in the parenting department. It's his son he's missing out on. Yes DH works hard, but so do you.

To get a little respite I would start arranging an evening out, maybe dinner with a girlfriend. Or just a salon trip at the weekend. Whatever it is, just make it for you!

I honestly think you're son would benefit from nursery. It's like an extended baby group where he can make friends and play! Cleaning day can't be the most exciting for him, so I'd honestly just go for it and if you need to sell it to DH then it's for your sons benefit of learning and playing with other children.

This.

My husband worked 12 - 16 hours a day when our kids were growing up. I was a SAHM. I did everything for/with the children, and every single thing in the house. I used to use a playpen for an hour, or wait until the baby had a nap. A home doesn't need to be spotless.

Does your husband need to work so many hours?

Wow, he gets away with a lot. When my partner was on maternity we had a cleaner (and still do) because it was and still is impossible to look after our DS whilst cleaning. All babies are different, some sleep for ages and some (like ours) never seem to sleep. I worked similar hours to your husband and when I finished work everything was split 50/50 with my partner. I would batch cook on the weekend because it was impossible for my partner to cook whilst looking after our DS. Your husband clearly doesn't realise how much work is involved with looking after a baby. Can your husband not have the baby on the weekend for the day whilst you do some chores or vice versa god forbid he does some chores. My partner and I call it tag teaming on the weekend - she will have the baby for a couple of hours while I do some chores and then we swop and I will look after baby while she cracks on with some stuff. Or sometimes we take in turns looking after the baby while the other one has a well deserved break.
I really don't understand how many men get away with just working and then doing nothing after that.

This is how it used to be...

Sorry but you sound a bit precious don't you! DId you both decide that you should be a SAHM, your husband is at work all day earning the money to keep you in your home. My mum used to look.after 3 of us and work part time. Maybe get your child in daycare and get yourself a part time job.

At what point does your DH start participating in family activities with your DC? You're not doing him any favours.

Mother's help. Might be an idea, I was one a good few years ago for a lady with 4 feral kids & a dick DH. Helped her get stuff done whilst the dick moaned a lot.

Think your confusing sahm with maid/slave/cleaner. Stop being grateful for crumbs. His worth is the same as yours. He's supposedly valuing you parenting the kid, he should be doing likewise & parenting. If his job is too much, that's a conversation to have.

i find it fascinating how many posters focus on the cleaning aspect of the post and on get to cast aspersions on OP’s housekeeping skills, while completely ignoring the massive red flags in her post…

anyway OP has not come back - maybe we’ve all gone a bit overboard. I hope she is reading nonetheless and has taken away the key message that YES, it’s absolutely fine to put her baby in nursery.

Does your child know he has a father?

Your husband sounds terrible. I don’t care how hard he works. Taking care of his child and helping around the the house when he’s home is still part of his responsibilities. Sounds like he’s weaponised his incompetence to make you do everything. I can’t actually believe he doesn’t even pack away groceries. Children are full time. If you don’t get a break at the end of the work day, neither does he.

I’d get a cleaner if you don’t want to send your little one to nursery. It’s cheaper than childcare. But nursery might allow you to get a bit of a break too. You might be able to clean and also have a bit of downtime while little one is out.

I agree with what most other posters have said about your DH.

The support that I wonder if you need is more like what I have/had. I have had two lovely Bulgarian cleaners - one when the other retired. Both older women who primarily cleaned but who were happy to do whatever. When I was on maternity leave, they would sometimes take the baby for an hour or so - for example, if I had a dentist appointment. They would take the washing in, fold laundry, assemble me a meal if I was trapped under a sleeping baby.

If you had someone like that come in twice a week, it would be cheaper than nursery and more flexible. And more supportive, I count both of them to be friends now.

If you ask around locally, I am sure you can find the right person