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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put son in nursery so I can clean?

191 replies

msdelilah · 18/05/2023 07:58

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

OP posts:
SingleMumStruggling · 18/05/2023 10:27

I'm a single mum to my 13 month old. She's in nursery 3 days a week - I work 2 days and sometimes work the 3rd but often have it to myself to get things done. Even if it's just going to the hairdressers or for a coffee. I feel no guilt nor have any reservations about doing so. I'm a better mum to her for having that little bit of time to myself and she seems to enjoy nursery and gets to do activities and other stuff that I couldn't provide her with if I was at home with her 24/7.

Thats just me of course, there are many other mums at home with them 24/7 doing a fantastic job. I just know my own limitations.

Put him in nursery 1 day a week. Even one morning a week. That small breather makes all the difference. You sound exhausted.

Giselletheunicorn · 18/05/2023 10:28

I'd get a cleaner instead tbh. Nursery is expensive and you'd probably get a cleaner for a good few hours and can use that time to play with your baby uninterrupted. Your DH can clearly afford it.

Agree with the other posters, your husband sounds a lazy twat....

Sissynova · 18/05/2023 10:28

@hot2trotter How do you think single parents cope? Do they live in squalor and only eat sandwiches?

Why on earth should she act like a single parent when she isn't?

You being a single mum to 4 children you chose to have is not relevant to the OP's life.

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 10:29

Goodness, my husband did his share of the cleaning when I was a SAHM.
You need to talk to yours about this.
Looking after a child is relentless.
Why don't you go away for a weekend so that your husband finds out what hard work you're doing, while he's earning money outside the home.
He probably doesn't realize.

SR876 · 18/05/2023 10:30

Husband issues aside (he sounds useless), I can provide comment on nursery at 11months which was the age my daughter was when she went. Honestly I would do it in a heartbeat again, it became seamlessly part of her routine, they sleep trained her, I'm sure are a big part of her development coming on leaps and bounds and most importantly she absolutely loves it.

I reckon for your own sake consider maybe 2 mornings a week or something so you have a few hours to yes clean if you want (or he can pay for a cleaner) but also just to have you time!

TheChoiceIsYours · 18/05/2023 10:31

If you won’t accept that your awful husband is the problem here then I don’t think anyone can say anything here that will help you.

Don’t you want more from your life than being a domestic appliance for someone who doesn’t respect or value you? Not importantly, is that what you want to model for your son?

Honestly, there’s being a SAHM and there’s being a slave.

Read back what you wrote - your husband sits on his lazy arse while you try and put away a food shop while holding his baby and he doesn’t even lift a finger to help? It’s heartbreaking that he doesn’t apparently want to spend time with his baby but more to the point, how can you allow yourself to be treated with such utter contempt?! He’s horrible, and a shit husband and dad, plain and simple.

But you’re in denial, and while you stay there then of course nothing will change. He IS a bad man, he IS a bad father and he IS a bad husband. He might pay the bills but surely your bar for your son’s dad is higher than that….?

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 10:31

Why on earth doesn't your husband want you to go back to work?
It isn't up to him anyway.

User839516 · 18/05/2023 10:31

This isn’t real surely!! Are these posts planted to make being a SAHM look like a really, really bad idea?? I just don’t believe any grown woman would put up with this, I really genuinely struggle to believe that. I did have a bit of a giggle at ‘SAHM duties’ though so thank you for that.

Yousee · 18/05/2023 10:32

So this guy is so dim he actually believes he has a right to an easier life now he has a child (because now he has a house elf at home wiping his arse for him)?
All he has to do now is work and all you have to do now is Everything?
He's not a good man, husband or father with a shitty attitude like this.
Either what you do all day is work in which case you deserve a break or its not work and you are just "relaxing" in which case he should be itching to "relax" with you when he's not working.
Either way, he's going to have to make himself useful. He has no logical or moral leg to stand on.

TheChoiceIsYours · 18/05/2023 10:33

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 10:31

Why on earth doesn't your husband want you to go back to work?
It isn't up to him anyway.

Of course he doesn’t want her to go back to work. He’s financially probably in the same position if she was a low earner and they would need to pay for nursery, and this way he gets to opt out of parenting and all other aspects of adulting apparently while his unpaid slave buzzes around tending to his every need. Also if she is out in the real world she’s far more likely to cotton onto the fact that she’s married an utter turd and that other marriages aren’t like this. He can’t risk that can he?

WinterBree · 18/05/2023 10:41

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements/new car etc.

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 18/05/2023 10:43

@WinterBree I think you've started a thread on here accidentally

User678945 · 18/05/2023 10:46

I'm a stay at home mum and I do all the housework.... however my husband loves his child and wants to spend time with him so he does the bathtime/bedtime routine when he gets home and takes him to the park for an hour sometimes at weekends without me. It would really bother me being with someone who wouldn't change a nappy or hold the baby for any length of time. I find that quite sad, it's really not in the same category as housework.

When my son was younger I used to spend the mornings cleaning and stuff around him with the telly on and then after I'd washed up from lunch I'd take him out for the afternoon so the house wouldn't get messed up again, and so that I could take him to baby groups or get us some fresh air. If you stay in all day the house will be a mess in my experience.

Orangelilysnap · 18/05/2023 10:47

Haven’t read all replies so sorry if I’m repeating what others have said. You have a DH problem.

I was a SAHM for about 5years with 2DC’s less than 2 years between them. My DH has a well paid job and sometimes would be overseas for 4-6weeks so I did do everything then (no help from relatives). I understand it’s hard and relentless. But when he was around we parented together. We were a team (and still are) we worked together to parent, cook and clean. He would never have expected me to do everything when he was home.

Now I have my own business and work during school hours. My DH still does school drop offs and pick ups when he can. He cooks regularly and cleans. Being in a marriage is team work.

I’m terms of cleaning just do a little a day and maybe lower your standards! Your house doesn’t need to be spotless all the time. You sound bogged down by trying to be the prefect old fashioned SAHM / housewife. You don’t need to fit the stereotype just let a few things slide and think fuck it, if he wants it clean he can do it himself. Stop doing everything for him.

Oh and arrange a weekend away just for you and leave your DC with DH. He’ll understand what you’re going through a bit more then.

Meeting · 18/05/2023 10:47

OP why is it that you aren't able to do any cleaning during the day?

123sunshine · 18/05/2023 10:48

Unpopular view here, but i've done the stay at home mother bit with a husband working long hours like yours, also now work full time running a full on professional business (lots of stress). I had two children 15 moths apart, I wouldn't have expected my husband to come home from a 13 hour day out of the house to cook dinner or clean the house etc...at that point in life I manged all the household admin and chores and kids. It is is full on at times, but there is also plenty of downtime. At 11 months they still have naps in the day too. Children can't be stuck to you permenantly, its not healthy, they can sit a play for short periods of time whilst you do the odd job. I started mine in pre school at 2, it was a big relief to have more time to myself, so I do sypathise, but I think in your scenario it's part of the deal, thats your role. However I would urge you to think about your future, and once lttle one is in some kind of childcare think about upskilling yourself to make yourself employable and get some independence....just in case life doesn't go as you planned, also to regain soem control and power within your marriage. My first marriage didn't work out as my husband left me and I've worked really hard to rebuild my life and have a good career after 7 years at home, I had given alot up to be at home. Its all worked out in the end, but its been a bit of a slog at times. Looking back though that time at home when the kids were young was still easier (though boring, lonely and frustrating at times) than the stress of running a bunsiess full time and bringing up teenagers and running a house, which is my current position.

WatermelonFelon · 18/05/2023 10:48

I've not RTFT yet but I don't see a problem with sending a child to nursery for any reason. You don't need to justify it. If you can afford it and you feel it's a good nursery and he'll be happy there then go ahead. Use the time to clean, to rest, to work, get the shopping in. Whatever the reason I don't think it matters and I don't think it's anyone else's business.

A friend of mine does this. Her child goes 1 day a week, sometimes she's working that day, others she isn't (shift work) and when she's not she still sends him and enjoys the day to herself. I'm jealous if anything!

Thehop · 18/05/2023 10:50

You really need to get to the point where you do everything whilst he's at work but the time he's at home it's shared. Why in earth isn't he?

JudgeJ · 18/05/2023 10:51

Fandabedodgy · 18/05/2023 08:35

A cleaner would probably be cheaper than nursery.

DH can pay.

He does need to step
Up though. He's treating you like a housekeeper.

But she can treat him like a walking wallet? How on earth can an intelligent woman with one child not cope so badly when she has all day at home? Maybe it's being old(er) but the majority of women who are at home with a child, or even children, manage perfectly well. Perhaps the OP should go to work full time and leave her partner at home if it's so very difficult. If the 11 month old trashes the house then buy a play pen, out of fashion like many useful things!

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 10:52

TheChoiceIsYours · 18/05/2023 10:33

Of course he doesn’t want her to go back to work. He’s financially probably in the same position if she was a low earner and they would need to pay for nursery, and this way he gets to opt out of parenting and all other aspects of adulting apparently while his unpaid slave buzzes around tending to his every need. Also if she is out in the real world she’s far more likely to cotton onto the fact that she’s married an utter turd and that other marriages aren’t like this. He can’t risk that can he?

Show quote history

Yes. I just wondered if the OP had figured this out.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 18/05/2023 10:52

even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him

Fucking hell what have I read. He sounds so awful I can’t even believe this. There’s ‘not pulling his weight’ and there’s being a fucking cunt. Which one do you think he is?

bussteward · 18/05/2023 10:53

peachgreen · 18/05/2023 08:10

I’d put him in nursery so you can go back to work and divorce your shit of a husband, tbh.

Ding ding ding we have a winner

Horsetoday · 18/05/2023 10:54

I had a cleaner when I was a SAHM with small babies- I bloody hated it - mostly because she raised her eyebrows at everything I did, I developed mild PND - we asked the cleaner to leave and we put the dts into nursery at around 11months for 2 days a week and I cleaned the house (amongst other things), I loved it, the peace and quiet, the headspace, the "me" time - we had no other support and this really helped. I did that for I think a couple of months before I took them out of nursery - I wasn't happy about the standard of care the nursery were providing and the break away from the kids had done me the world of good - I was ready to look after them full time again.

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 10:54

Meeting · 18/05/2023 10:47

OP why is it that you aren't able to do any cleaning during the day?

That's a good question.
The baby has at least one nap.

bobbysock · 18/05/2023 10:55

TheChoiceIsYours · 18/05/2023 10:33

Of course he doesn’t want her to go back to work. He’s financially probably in the same position if she was a low earner and they would need to pay for nursery, and this way he gets to opt out of parenting and all other aspects of adulting apparently while his unpaid slave buzzes around tending to his every need. Also if she is out in the real world she’s far more likely to cotton onto the fact that she’s married an utter turd and that other marriages aren’t like this. He can’t risk that can he?

Show quote history

I don’t think op wants to know the full truth here. She’ll likely find out sooner or later.