to put son in nursery so I can clean?

[msdelilah]

Is this the most awful thing ever? I'm a SAHM and of course do absolutely everything for DH because of that as well. To be honest, even when he gets home, he does nothing but rest, as soon as our son cries, he passes to me, nappy needs changing, passes to me. I never have a break. DH hates the idea of him going to nursery so young (he's 11 months) and has said the whole point of me being at home is to prevent that, I get his point but I don't get a break and DH is sometimes confused by lack of cleaning (it's really not bad but I admit it's not spotless all the time and it's definitely due a deep clean) even getting the shopping in, if I book a slot when DH is home, he will get the shop in while I hold our son but then I have to put it away while also holding him or if I'm really lucky he will take him until he cries or need something and then back to me, but he won't then take over the putting shopping away or whatever task it is. He does work ridiculously hard. He's out the house usually at least 12 hours 6 days a week, with a relatively long commute to London but his pay is extremely good.

I realise this has turned into a post slating DH which I didn't want... but is it really bad if I did nursery once a week so I can actually catch up on the other SAHM duties. I'm falling really behind on batch cooking for us all, the cleaning, etc.

Yeah but as a sahm your job is to look after the baby otherwise they would be much better off in nursery!

Hi OP, I was a SAHM when my DC were little and my DH was working long hours. After about 7 months of this we realised it was harder than we had expected to keep on top of the housework and got a cleaner. Personally I preferred that to putting my DC in nursery, but it is absolutely fine to do that instead and your DH should support you in whatever is easiest and most convenient for you.

Also, separately, it is really worth building a bond between your DH and DC. Have a chat about how DH can become more involved. My DH did bathtime whenever he was home in time, and sometimes took the DC out at weekends (swimming or to the park). Honestly this will be a huge benefit to their relationship as well as giving you a bit of a break.

I was in your position and I got a cleaner.

What I wish I'd also done is get a part-time nanny - maybe 1 or 2 days a week (or a few afternoons, whatever suits you/is available).

I totally understand the people telling you to change your husband or divorce him. They have a point. But if that's not a road you feel you can go down, then start spending money to make your life easier. Outsource whatever you can. Laundry services, food services, housekeeping, childcare, whatever is readily available to you.

At the moment you are on call 24/7 with no apparent support and you are taking responsibility for everything. You also sound as though you have high standard This is untenable if you want to live as a human being.

Your husband is already outsourcing. He is putting all his time, energy and attention into a high earning job at the expense of his natural human obligation to look after himself and his child. He has outsourced his life onto you. He is not the only one who can make decisions about how you two live. The very least you can expect is that the resources he does bring to the family table (just money, rather than time, energy or attention) should be used to allow you a decent standard of living, and that includes downtime.

If he doesn't accept that then I'm afraid I would definitely join the "kick his arse out" party.

I think you should go easier on yourself about what you manage to get done while looking after your son, and have a firm chat with your husband too about his expectations. Looking after a child is a full time job, which you do while he is at his full time job. And then you still do it when he is home from his full time job. You have no break, no holiday. It's unreasonable. A lot of men use us being SATMs to get out of lifting a finger whatsoever... that's not life. Before kids we both had to clean up after ourselves, now the % is slightly different but it would not be reasonable for my husband to expect to be waited on hand and foot once he finishes work. He's not royalty and I am not his servant.

My baby is 6 months and I've realised that doing ANYTHING while caring for a baby is tough... or at least unpredictable!
Some days she will be fine about playing on her mat while I do some tidying. Some days she won't. Some days she will have 3 good naps where I can get a bunch done, some days she won't nap at all and it's a challenge just to get through the day. Some days she won't want to entertain herself for even 5 minutes. Some days she will nap so I could get stuff done around the house but I'm so frazzled and worn out from a hard night that I just end up pottering about the house while she's sleeping and not being very effective 😂

I don't think there would be anything wrong with putting your ds in nursery 1 day a week so that since it sounds like you don't get any break for the other 6 days of the week. Your husband should still take on more of the housework though. You should be able to have similar time to yourself each week that doesn't include cleaning.

I wld get cleaner instead. Babies get nothing out of nursery at that age. I say that as someone who put her kids in at 10/11 months because I was bk at work.

They only start to get something out of it when they are closer to 2 I would say.

What a lot of men don't realise is a SAHP means running the house and kids. It does not mean picking up after or doing everything for the working parent.

You need a break, and a plan for what to do if anything happens with your marriage, and for when your baby goes to nursery/school.

Once a week could be tricky for the baby to settle - instead, I'd see if there's a childminder or nanny who could take the baby for maybe 2-3 mornings or afternoons a week. Then that's your time, to clean of course but also one thing that is not connected with domesticity.

I'd also have a babysitter once a week so you and your DH can go out and enjoy being together outside baby/home.

Your DH problems aside....

If I'd have had the money when mine was that age then I would absolutely have put them in nursery a few hours a week. My DS was very, very demanding and it was neigh on impossible to get anything done.

Could you maybe put him in for 3 hours two mornings a week rather than one full day? When my DS did eventually start he found shorter sessions much easier than a full day

I also was going to jump on the get a cleaner band wagon but i don't think this is really what this post is about. You are exhausted and you don't get a break. Husband never helps, never gives you a day or even an hour off, does your son at least sleep well that you can relax in the evenings? Firstly i think you need to sit down with your husband and put your foot down about him helping out more. Secondly have you looked at something like a mother's helper? someone who comes in a couple of hours a day just to watch the baby etc so you can clean/relax a bit?

Thought about a cleaner (we had one when we both worked actually) but because I'm at home most of the day, I feel I'd be cleaning and worrying getting everything picked up for them, it was different when we were both out the house for work.

Get the cleaner to come first thing so no chance for LO to drag out every toy they own and book a class e.g. swimming or gymboree at the the same time so you’re out of the house. Do this twice a week if necessary. Have well organised toy storage so you can easily do a quick tidy every evening. Voila house sorted. Can’t fix the DH problem quite so easily though.

Ok… first respecting your point of view re your relationship: YANBU to put your son in nursery a day a week to give you time to do things. But include some downtime for yourself in that. Even if is a 20 minute cup of tea in peace! However I’d echo pp in that 1 long day would be hard on your DS, a couple of days of (eg) 9-12 is probably better. It’s hard when you start to leave them as they cry for you (at least mine did) and you get a bit split in 2 with emotions, needing time but worrying if they’re happy.

Then. Do something to change your relationship. If you want to stay with him that’s your choice - I know leaving isn’t easy. I stayed with my slightly crap DH but he did get better and if he hadn’t I’d be gone. I’m concerned that some things you’ve said seem to be ‘oh, DH doesn’t want that so we can’t do that’. No. No. No. It’s a 2 way thing: if you want A and he doesn’t then you find a compromise B. It sounds like he doesn’t want A or B or C. He doesn’t get that choice. So if he doesn’t want your DS to go to nursery until (eg) 2 years old then the compromise is he does more - either he cleans/cooks/laundry etc or he takes DS a full day at the weekend so you can get stuff done.

Start centering yourself in a day. Perhaps on an average day you can reasonably manage to look after DS, feed him, wash up and get a 20 minute sit down to yourself whilst he naps but have no time for laundry or cleaning. Then don’t do laundry or cleaning. If you do some laundry then do DS’s stuff (as let’s face it it’s probably the messiest and stuff you don’t want to leave!). Then your husband will run out of clothes. Either he steps up and starts doing stuff or works with you for a solution. If he has a go that you should be doing it then keep it about the problem (eg: no laundry) and DO NOT judge yourself and take it on yourself to go more.

My DH wasn’t good in the baby stage but if he walked in from work and the house looked like a bomb had hit it (which it did at least once a week) he said nothing and started cleaning it up then cooking tea.

Yet another post about a controlling critical partner....these bloody men are everywhere.
Don't feel bad for slating him OP, he is being an idiot, having a go at you for not cleaning, yet when you suggest getting childcare so you have time to do more of it, he doesn't like that either?!
Nothing wrong with you having afew hours a week break whatsoever, and as long as you choose childcare carefully then I'm sure baby will be fine.I'm guessing you don't have family to help hence why you're considering childcare?
I think aswell as nursery your DH needs to step up and help out more in general.Parenting is his responsibility too whatever hours he works!

The most awful thing ever? To put a child in nursery?

You do know millions of parents do this every single day right? And those kids are ok?

But, no, YANBU to put your child in nurery for whatever reason you want or need.

You are a sahm so there should be a bigger burden of day to day tasks you but are you really sure you can’t do the cleaning with DS? An 11 mo shouldn’t need constant holding. When DS was the same age DH and I were definitely able to clean around his naps. I think you need to revaluate your housework priorities - it’s easy for time management to go out of the window with a LO when you’re at home.

I was in your position and got a cleaner and then put DD1 in nursery for two days a week when she was two.

It’s tricky. I think in retrospect I wish I’d worked even a low paid part time role because then I wouldn’t have a gap on my cv and it would have kept my confidence up. But DD was a high needs baby and it would have cost more for me to go to work than stay at home. Only you know what works for you.

I think when considering what one can do with a baby it’s worth looking at nanny adverts. They usually specify cooking for the baby and the baby’s laundry, cleaning up after the baby, taking them to parks and groups etc, not cleaning bathrooms, doing general laundry or batch cooking. Yes playpens can be a godsend but so you can stack the dishwasher or have a shower, not so you can be a skivvy. We aren’t in the 50s anymore, parenting standards have changed and people generally don’t have the same level of family and community support.

When do you get time to yourself ie hairdresser, meet friend for coffee??

My son is the same age and honestly, I feel your pain. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting him into nursery for a day so you can get stuff done. Life is hard with a little person you can’t take your eyes off, it’s so hard to get anything done and keep your sanity. Could you suggest one day or a couple of mornings a week at nursery?

Could you have a cleaner once a fortnight for a deeper clean? We’ve just started doing that and it’s a game changer. Eased the stress a lot so I know that the house at least is sparkling once every two weeks. Makes it easier to keep on top of it the rest of the time.

I don’t think either are unreasonable suggestions. I think you need to sit DH down and explain gently how much it all is and how you need a little bit of a breather or tactics to ease the heavy load.

Your husband reminds me of the husband from that netflix show mrs chaterrjee vs norway. He’s treating you as a slave not an equal partner. Men like that never change. I would just divorce him, get a SHL and a good settlement, retrain or go back to work asap.

Of course it isn't the most awful thing ever. That might be what he'll be learning at home.

Do you want your son to grow up with the same lack of respect for women that your husband clearly has? That is what he'll be seeing each day as he gets older.

Your husband isn't a good guy because good guys respect women and are actually interested in their children.

Put your son in nursery and get a job. Don't have any more children with this useless man.

I strongly suggest you start getting your husband used to looking after the baby on his own. You need to get out of the house for a significant amount of time - say 4-5 hours on the day he's not working - and leave him to do everything. As you leave say 'Oh please could you empty the rubbish/put the laundry away/run a hoover round/etc, I didn't get a chance. And see what happens.

Once my son was about six months and happier to be without me, I started going for nice long bike rides on my own, or for a mooch around town. My partner quickly realised how time-intensive looking after a baby is.

Also yes, a playpen will help but it's not going to give you time to do a deep clean. By all means put your baby in nursery if you want to. I think most settings want at least two days for settling them into a routine, which will get easier as the baby gets older.

Given that his pay is "very good" I'd suggest you go for at least a half day at nursery or one day per week and a cleaner.

Use that nursery time to either have a sort out or just go and sit somewhere quiet with a cuppa.

I agree you have a DH problem though.

Put him in a playpen for a bit or clean when he's sleeping, you shouldn't have to vcarry him everywhere

I would be explaining what a SAHM is to your husband. Evenings and Weekends should be a split responsibility when it comes to the household and your child. Yes he may be tired in the evenings, I get that, but it doesn't mean he gets to do nothing. He sounds very much like my 1st husband, he brings home a good salary therefore that's all that's required - be grateful.

I agree with @HurryShadow. When I became a sahm we had a cleaner and my kid went to nursery two full days a week (one of my teen stepsons lived with us too). Allowed me to bond with my daughter when she came along, then she went two days when she turned one. It made transition to school easy for them.
Also put your child down. If he whimpers tough - as long as safe, dry and fed.
Can your husband cut back his hours? 12 hours a day six days a week and I'd be pretty testy too.

“He isn’t a bad guy” - very much disagree. If he wants a cleaner house, he should clean at the weekend. of course nursery is a good option for child’s socialising and learning. I’d be very careful not working at all. Your DH should pay a private pension for you whilst you’re not working.