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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD sleepovers

261 replies

Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:31

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 16/05/2023 22:33

I don’t understand the options for the poll. But I wouldn’t have this girl over, it’s your DDs home and she doesn’t want her there, it’s as simple as that.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/05/2023 22:33

should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum

Yes.

Your daughter has the right not to have people in her house who treat her like that. Just because you ‘can’ look after her, doesn’t mean you have to.

mynameiscalypso · 16/05/2023 22:34

I wouldn't let someone who is bullying my child into the house.

Hellocatshome · 16/05/2023 22:34

How did you end up being part of this small group that can look after this child if you are not friends with the parents? How old are the girls?

Original poster
Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:34

Sorry didn’t realise I’d added a poll - on phone and a bit rubbish at these things

OP posts:
Saucemonkey · 16/05/2023 22:37

I would tell the mum The arrangement is off as her dd is being nasty to your child.
don’t force your dd to accommodate a bully, that is ridiculous. Why on earth are her parents not making sure your dd is invited to the party? They seem to want it all their own way. Just say no.

Whattodonowadays · 16/05/2023 22:37

Not a chance this girl would come to my house again! I would be telling the mother tomorrow that my daughter is upset over being left out and it’s turning into bullying essentially! Therefore she’s not welcome at your house again.

KaitlynFairchild · 16/05/2023 22:37

They are quite little and it sounds like the other girl needs to learn actions have consequences. Could you contact the mother and let her know that owing to her daughter's treatment of yours you will not be able to have her over this weekend? Hopefully the mum will have a word, the girl can apologise and the friendship can be repaired.

SnackSizeRaisin · 16/05/2023 22:38

Perhaps your daughter could go elsewhere for a playdate while the other girl comes to yours, as a one off? I definitely wouldn't expect your daughter to have her in the house if she is being unkind to her.

Really the other parent should have made sure your daughter was invited to the party anyway - they should be making some effort in exchange for the free childcare.

The girls may make up and then the arrangement can resume but I would tell the other parent unfortunately if the girls aren't friends she can't come over.

thaegumathteth · 16/05/2023 22:39

I'd cancel the sleepover you have planned. It's not fair on your daughter.

Original poster
Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:39

Thank you. That was my feeling, I feel upset for my daughter but then questioned if I was being over sensitive or petty.
@Hellocatshome girls are 8. Gone to primary school together, on and off friends as primary girls are. Mum is a ‘school mum friend’, stand and talk at gates and at parties etc but not actively friends away from this. I have relevant qualifications and DBS etc due to job.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/05/2023 22:42

If it is a few weeks you need to say you can’t do it and put your daughter first

Ywudu · 16/05/2023 22:46

Don't have her over, its important your daughter feels listened to and prioritised by you if she's having her self esteem damaged at school.

SisSuffragette · 16/05/2023 22:58

Definitely don't have her over and let your mum know why. Your poor dd 😢

Whataretheodds · 16/05/2023 23:04

Are you actually employed to care for this girl in some context - TA or similar?

I don't think you should have this girl over for a sleepover given her behaviour.

If you are keen to give the mum some respite then there may be other ways to do so but it sounds like you need to unblur these lines.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 16/05/2023 23:12

Regardless of whether it's short notice (3 weeks is not really that short but could be in these circumstances) unless it is for an essential reason I would cancel the arrangement and not even do the next one.

Explain to the mother that due to her DD no longer being friends with your DD it's no longer an arrangement that works for you.

Re the party, the mother has clearly facilitated this behaviour so if she's surprised then she lacks any self awareness.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 16/05/2023 23:20

I’d end the arrangement now.

Your poor DD being excluded and bullied by this girl then having to have her in her safe space.

Just tell the mum that the arrangement no longer works for you and she’ll need to find alternate arrangements asap.

ExcaliburBaby · 16/05/2023 23:23

it’s difficult but your loyalty is to your daughter not to the other mum/child. i would 100% cancel the sleepover and tell the mum why.

SnackSizeRaisin · 16/05/2023 23:23

Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:39

Thank you. That was my feeling, I feel upset for my daughter but then questioned if I was being over sensitive or petty.
@Hellocatshome girls are 8. Gone to primary school together, on and off friends as primary girls are. Mum is a ‘school mum friend’, stand and talk at gates and at parties etc but not actively friends away from this. I have relevant qualifications and DBS etc due to job.

I'm not seeing the relevance of the qualifications etc to be honest. Especially the DBS. Why are you wanting to support these parents when you don't really know them? Most parents don't have loads of people able to have their child for a sleepover just so they can go for a night out , or avoid taking time off for teacher training days, even without medical issues. If a child gets invited for a sleepover that's great, but I certainly wouldn't be expecting an invitation from a child that wasn't a friend, however much I wanted a night out.
You seem to be putting these parents above your own child. I think that's a bit odd.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 16/05/2023 23:28

Don't have her over at all. She's being mean to your DD at school and now is carrying that on in her own home. You should be defending your dds position, she's telling you there is an issue and you are essentially telling her back the other girls needs are more important.

The other mum should have sorted the birthday invites out, and is incredibly short sighted not to have done.

i wouldn't care if the looking after was tomorrow, let alone three weeks away, you really can't do it.

Message the mum saying unfortunately you won't be looking after Francesca anymore as her and your DD are no longer friends and you are not putting your DD in an uncomfortable position in her own home.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/05/2023 00:01

Don't have her over, even for the upcoming occasion. Yes, it might inconvenience the other mum, but her convenience is not more important than your daughter's right to be comfortable in her home.

Frankly, it sounds like you are being taken for a mug! The mum clearly doesn't appreciate what you do.

flexigirl · 17/05/2023 00:06

It's important to show your daughter that bullying is not ok , as well as putting your daughters feelings and emotions ahead of this other child's. Also important to speak to the mum and tell her truthfully why you will no longer be providing the care ! Bully needs to know there are consequences

Anotheranonymousname · 17/05/2023 01:45

You need to stop the arrangement now, not just 'going forward' as your DD deserves to feel as though her home is her safe space.

I also think you need to not shy away from letting the other girl's parent know the general reason behind your decision in the hope she will use that knowledge to support her daughter with how to be a friend. It's not quite the same situation but until recently, DD walked to school with two others from her class (they're 13). The three of them would hang out here together before school, I'd collect them on the day I didn't work if it coincided with PE and food tech etc. and on INSET days they'd often be here together. One of the girls, X, has become a good friend to DD but Y barely talks to the other two once at school. In itself, that's not an issue but when DD was beaten up at school by one of their peers, whereas X was a huge support to DD (who was injured, didn't fight back) Y posted in the class group messages (which she knew DD would see) in support of the student who'd beaten DD up. It was a bit more complex than just this but after seeing the messages from Y, I contacted her mum and said that in the light of her DD's public support of the student who did the beating up, I was no longer happy for her to be in our home unless I was there. I explained it was important for our home to be DD's safe space and her DD's choices meant her being here would run the risk of undermining it. Her mum was brilliant, understood immediately and spoke to her DD to let her know why.

I've continued to give her the occasional lift home (if I'm collecting the other two and DD offers) as that supports her mum but I can do that without undermining our home as DD's safe place. Y's mum has spoken to her about her contribution to the incident and its aftermath, and together they passed information onto the school that helped the investigation.

In your situation, I would contact the other mum, explain you're sorry to pull out of the arrangement but your DD is feeling as though she's being actively excluded by hers, and is being told she has to be nice to her when she's at your house. Say you appreciate it may make childcare tricky for her but that you feel it is important your DD can rely on you to put her needs first. You might want to add that you're hoping things will be easier for your DD at school once the birthday party chatter has died down but regardless, you no longer feel able to have her DD for sleepovers.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 17/05/2023 02:25

Been there, gone through something similar with my DD, DDs class mate would come to ours, agreement was made to help parents with childcare than DD wanting classmate here as classmate was not one of her closest friends, after months of this happening DD slowly opened up about how the classmate treats her in school at the time DD had a upcoming sleepover with afew of her friends invited and this classmate added by me not to exclude the child and whilst DD was telling me she told me she did not want this classmate to come to sleepover, it felt awkward messaging the mum about it mum's response clearly was only concerned about her DD still being able to attend the sleepover not a inkling of care for the upset she was causing DD and alot of other girls in their class, I knew then my DD was my main priority and retracted the sleepover invite, and have not spoken o hef parents since. DD still has issues with said child sometimes so do most of the girls in the class but as they are getting older it's clear none of them are a fan of this girl because of the unkind things she says and the way she trwats other girls and she's often left on her own or excluded from things it's sad but totally understandable. She only cared about her DD so i only cared about mine. Put your DD first on this too.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 17/05/2023 02:43

Also agree you need to stop this arrangement for the sake of your daughter. They are still young and at 8 they’re definitely still figuring out the basics relationships and friendships but your daughter self-esteem does not have to be collateral damage. At the end of the day she is her parents’ problem and only theirs, whatever other issues there may be.