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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD sleepovers

261 replies

Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:31

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

OP posts:
StaleCrumbs · 18/05/2023 20:32

No idea if anyone else has said this because I haven’t read through the whole thread. But I’m assuming this child is looked after or has some sort of childrens services support. Either way, there are official respite options for looked after children and if this isn’t an option then the family should be talking to social workers about support with care, not relying on someone from school who they don’t have much relationship. And they should know that if there is any services involvement.

it sounds like the mean child might have a few life lessons to learn about being unkind (which may be because of a difficult background, so I think it’s important to have compassion for her), but equally that’s not your daughters role to be the verbal/emotional collateral damage. Perhaps the parents/carers are unaware this child has been unkind to your daughter (although they must know she’s not invited to the party - maybe they feel awkward about it. Who knows!)

so I guess what I’m saying is, I can see why you’re questioning it. But no, you’re not unreasonable for wanting to not have this child over who has been making your child unhappy.

curlywurlylover666 · 18/05/2023 20:42

Oooops, apologies from me!

Mrsmaggie27 · 18/05/2023 20:50

Definitely don’t have her back over to your house. Like everyone above has said it’s your daughters safe space and she shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable due to this child. I think these parents are very very lucky that they have childcare options at all. There are two parents so they can juggle the childcare between them like everyone else does. I am a single mum and don’t have much support in terms of childcare but have to make it work so do not feel obliged to help them especially when it seems you get nothing in return and your daughter is suffering for it

Jazzhands7 · 18/05/2023 20:53

See I’m with you on this one. If this kids has come from a trauma background she needs to be taught how to behave properly because she’s not getting it from her parent.

if the Mum is all over the place ask the parent if you can have a chat with her child about her behaviour. If she thinks her child isn’t doing anything wrong then there’s nothing much you can do about the behaviour and I’d cancel the sleepover.

it takes a village and this kid is young. She needs stable people around her show her how to behave. Is it your job? No, but this is why kids like this get left behind.

Original poster
Justonemoreepisode · 18/05/2023 21:31

thank you again for all the comments. I would not put another child over my own, and would not have had any play dates had my dd suggested before she was unhappy. This was raised for the first time over the weekend and continued it to the week so have resolved.

@Jazzhands7 thank you for your comment. I guess this is my feelings. Mum is very nice but in difficult situation herself and learning with it. I was in a position to help not only her but potentially a young girl who still has time to overcome early trauma. We are very lucky to have a ‘village’ and I know the positive impact that can have on a child.

OP posts:
sushiecookie · 18/05/2023 21:49

Looking for the updates

sushiecookie · 18/05/2023 21:50

Why didn't you say that all along ffs

Kelljo83 · 18/05/2023 22:12

I clicked YABU... because you shouldn't be having the girl round anymore. From the moment she was being mean to your DD it should have stopped. You are your daughters voice. If she tells you she's uncomfortable and feels bullied that should be it. I wouldn't worry about the parents finding alternative childcare. Sorry maybe they should teach their child to be humble and not be a mean girl

Worcestershirem0mmy · 18/05/2023 22:27

The options for the post aren’t clear.

you are being unreasonable if you let this play date go ahead. Your poor daughter.

SarahsHoneydew · 18/05/2023 22:39

Nope, Imagine someone bullying you at work all day and then having to have them come home with you at the end of the day? Not a chance, it’s her safe space.
.

Jazzhands7 · 18/05/2023 22:39

Yes I get you from your post. It’s not so easy to say “well you’re not my child screw you”.

sushiecookie · 18/05/2023 22:40

This!

Buffs · 18/05/2023 22:54

Your daughter should not have to entertain this girl.

T1Dmama · 18/05/2023 23:12

You are being unreasonable to still have this girl over to stay! I would text the mum and say you’re very sorry but you’re no longer able to have her DD because she is being very unpleasant to your DD at school and excluding her
I would also go into school and put a stop to this asap before it escalates.
Whether the parents struggle to find baby sitters or not is not your problem!
I have a DD with a medical condition and I wouldn’t expect anyone to have her if my DD & theirs had fallen out

Toomuchtrouble4me · 19/05/2023 00:07

“Sorry parent - the girls are not getting on at the moment and so I can’t have x over” Done. Your DD comes first. And if she thought tuppence of you and DD you would have been on that party list!

SargentSagittarius · 19/05/2023 00:09

RTFT @Toomuchtrouble4me ……….

OhMerseyMe · 19/05/2023 01:27

Why in the world with the mother and father, who have you doing them favors even when you’re not really friends, not ensure that your daughter is invited to the party? Sounds like the parents and the daughter are people you need to cut out of your life!

I would do with others have suggested and contact the mom to say that this relationship is not working out and unfortunately she’s going to have to find other arrangements for her daughter next weekend as well as from here on out. I know that may be an awkward phone call, but your daughter comes first!

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/05/2023 04:44

It definitely sounds as though the mum is still learning. Maybe she herself needs to learn boundaries, reciprocation and respect. This situation really has come to a head as your dd wasn’t invited to a party, which she has far more control over than her dd’s behaviour in school for example.

You sound like a really compassionate and caring person. Perhaps things will change between your girls in future. They are still at an age, where emotions and understanding of others is pretty rudimentary.

I can imagine you have a lot of time for the girl. My dd has been through difficult situations with friends from challenging backgrounds. She did have the advantage of not going to school during the primary years with the one, who particularly has blown hot and cold with her over the years. The girls are year 10 so older now and over the years I’ve been there for both mum and daughter, stepping back when needs be. Always taking the line of putting my dd first.

As you say the mum is still learning, perhaps it would be useful for her to explain how this really cam to a head. I can imagine it will be a difficult conversation but maybe the mum will be grateful herself to have explained to her as well.

user1492757084 · 19/05/2023 05:41

Keep to the arrangement.
It is a chance for you to speak frankly to the unkind girl.
When you have her over to help out her mother tell her you know that she has been nasty and that it has to stop or you will be forced to stop helping her lovely mother out.
Tell her that you thought you knew her better, that you were surprised and disappointed.
Make sure that your spouse is in the corner of the room, as a witness, and that your daughter is not there.
Organise for your daughter to come home an hour or two after her young guest arrives - having been to an amazing playdate with a Granny or goodfriend.
Only require your daughter to be polite while you host the young girl yourself this time.

Reassess for next time (or not).
The child is in obvious need of good parenting and unless someone like you is brave enough to speak to her she will remain ignorant.

Weedoormatnomore · 19/05/2023 06:59

Have you spoken to the girls mum yet ? Presume she was in touch at the start feeling awkward that your daughter was not invited to the party ? This does not sound like a Healthy friend relationship for your daughter 1 day friends next day not to be being bullied.

weemouse · 19/05/2023 07:09

I would put your daughter first. Text the other Mum and say say the girls are not that close at the moment, and it's better to give them some space, rather than force a "friendship" where your daughter is uncomfortable.

Don't get drawn into a discussion about it. Just let her know this is the situation, and therefore the sleepover is not happening at this time.

RachaelN · 19/05/2023 09:00

Yeah this child would not be entering my home. It is your daughter's safe space and you need to stop this immediately. I know letting the parents down is tough but your daughter come first.
Hope you manage to resolve it smoothly.

PalominoUK · 19/05/2023 09:27

DunkingMyDonuts · 18/05/2023 19:42

And the next two posts DIRECTLY after yours ...

😂😂😂

Show quote history

So unwatch and move on. Any additional posts may have advice for someone else who finds themselves in this position.
Nobody is forcing you to read them

Pinkfluff76 · 19/05/2023 09:42

Wow this all sounds complicated and hectic. I’d stop the arrangement immediately. Not only because your DD is most important but the fact that your daughter didn’t get invited to the party means those parents don’t give a shit or value you guys.

Magicmama92 · 19/05/2023 09:43

It's time to prioritise your child.
This girl really isn't your responsibility and you shouldn't even have to ask about it. If a girl was being like this to my girl I wouldn't be having her in my house and I wouldn't feel bad about it.
I'm really confused over this set up because I've never heard of other parents being used at basically free child care to this extreme either it should be her parents responsibility.

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