WWYD sleepovers

[Justonemoreepisode]

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

When your daughter wasn’t invited to the party, I think it became reasonable enough to end this agreement. It’s pretty clear that they aren’t friends and if you and her mum aren’t friends either, there’s no reason to be helping her out.

I’d be messaging the mum and explaining how her daughters behaviour is making your daughter uncomfortable, and for this reason you’re not going to be able to have her round anymore.

I understand, it’s letting people be in in a difficult situation and saying no to helping out, I struggle with it too. But you have to put your daughter first ultimately!

I would message the mum. Explain the situation and say she will need to find an alternative sittor for her dd since the dd has started making things uncomfortable with your dd. The mother will probably get mad, but she is awful for taking advantage of you and should never let her dd have a party with out inviting your dd....esp w all the favours you do for her.

You say "DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these." What kind of arrangement do you really have with the other girl and her parents and why? If your ability to care for her grew from them being friends and now they aren't, then you just stop having her, and too bad if the parents were hoping to take advantage of the play date to go out. That really doesn't concern you. If you are implying that you are some sort of childminder or respite carer, that is different. Then maybe you need to talk to the girls and the parents and the organisation that manages your role, and work something out between the girls. Not to say you shouldn't refuse to look after a child that is being mean to yours, but you do have a duty of care to the other girl too in this situation.

Even if the arrangement was for 2 days time, stop being a people pleaser and but your daughters needs first. Drop this other girl
quickly. Having a bully in your safe space I.e home isn’t great

Oh my lord they are massively taking you for granted. Please cancel this arrangement immediately and explain why to be honest I would explain over the phone rather than text. The girl has created this situation and a great excuse to get out of having her round again. The first person on my party list would be the child of a mum friend helping me out. Your poor daughter and bless you for sticking to your commitments but they need to teach their daughter right from wrong.

My mum always said to me growing up
” just because you can, doesn’t mean you should!”.
I think this applies here, I understand you’re helping someone out but it’s at a detriment to your own child.
id just say you’re unable to help due to your circumstances changing, no further explanations are necessary.
Home is a safe place for your daughter with who she wants to be around and that comes first 😀

I’m sure you are a great mum and enforcing boundaries is a great way of teaching her you will believe and listen to her.

dear x

given the current circumstances I need to contact the arrangement made for x date.

regards
y

if She comes back - state unemotionally what the girl has done and said and explain this is your home and free time and the previous childcare was done out of kindness and friendship but this hasn’t been reciprocated. That the girl has informed your daughter that she can say and do whatever she likes and this is not how kindness, friendship and respect works. As mum of …. You will put …. First and her needs and security and home.

wonder if mum pays you? Or does reciprocal treats? Encouraging her daughter to be divisive and non inclusive is not nice

I understand why you want to be supportive of a parent who has few options. But as well as the need to protect your DD from the girl’s bullying, you should also consider the way the mother is treating you both. She knows she is relying on you to look after her DD, but on an occasion when she could reciprocate by having your DD invited to this sleepover, she hasn’t. And it doesn’t sound like she’s contacted you to explain and suggest some alternative. She’s just taken you (and your DD) for granted.

The girl’s “I don’t have to be nice to you but you have to be nice to me” taunt to your DD seems then, in part, a learnt response. At least in so much as her mother is not making her aware that the invitations and hosting she receives are voluntary not, as they both appear to think, a right they can expect to continue regardless of their treatment of the two of you.

I don't really understand why anyone needs to have sleepovers. We haven't had them through primary and seem to have managed fine, it doesn't seem to be a thing where we live.

You need to pull back from this arrangement in any case as you really can't have a child over who really believes she can lord it over your DD in your own home and tease her about a party she isn't invited to.

Can you message the other mum and explain what her DD has been saying and doing? the mum might have a word with her. This girl seems to be under the impression that she doesn’t need to be nice to your DD but your DD needs to be nice to her. Wrong! As soon as there’s an inkling to the mum that the child care is disappearing, she might find that she actually needs to be very nice to your DD.

You cancel the sleepover and teach your daughter three important life lessons:

1. We don’t tolerate people who deliberately make us unhappy
2. Boundaries are important and respected
3. You will always have her back in difficult situations

Tell the mum the arrangement doesn’t work anymore as her kid isn’t being nice to yours.

Always put your kids needs before others.

Is this a paid babysitting service you're offering?

If so, and you need the money you might want to think how you can make it work.

If it's a favour, then there is no way you should let a child who is bullying your DC come into their home and continue to torment her there.

Your DC's home is their sanctuary.

Explain to the mum that you won't be having any more sleepovers and explain why and then maybe the parents will crack down on the bullying as well.

Kids say mean things and usually it means nothing, but I can't get over the fact that the mother sent out invitations and missed out your daughter!
I would have thought she'd be the first on the list!

This.

I would be firm and polite, brooking no discussion whatsoever.

I would repeat what has been told to your daughter and tell her, of course that will never be happening again!

It sounds like she thinks you and your daughter are staff.

Not your problem if they have logistical problems.

That they didn't invite your daughter is atrocious.

"Eaten bread is quickly forgotten".

Never have that child across your door step again, and 100% reassure YOUR child of your support.

This is the type of slight children NEVER forget, so be very clear you absolutely have her back.

At 8 there is a type of child that starts THAT type of behaviour.

Best avoid.

I would be furious on my daughters behalf that she had to listen to such guff from the little madam.

She wouldn't be coming to my house, I wouldn't give a shit how much it inconvenienced her mother.

Please don't take this advice if you let this girl stay while your daughter is at a different sleepover, this little bully will be in your daughters bedroom alone I can just imagine her breaking things or sending Snapchats to her friends taking the piss out of stuff in your daughters room. Just tell the girls mum she's uninvited

If the current planned looking after is a few weeks away, speak with the other mum, say that the relationship between the children has broken down and its no longer suitable for her daughter to come to yours as it makes your daughter uncomfortable. If she wants mor info tell her all the details and she can see what a nasty piece her kid is. Do not make your daughter uncomfortable in her own home. A few weeks is plenty of time for her to make alternative arrangements in my opinion.

I agree with this . Your daughter comes first.

Why would you carry on looking after someone else's child when they are being horrible to your child? You aren't even friends with the mum so why do this? Just tell the mum the arrangement is off and won't continue going forward, unfortunately her daughter is causing upset for your daughter so it can't continue. It's her parent's problem to sort an alternative arrangement.

You sound like a nice person who’s been doing a wonderful thing to help another family/ child.

BUT now I would personally let the family know that due to a change in circumstances you can no longer have the child over, I wouldn’t even bring your child up as it may make life tricky for your DD at some point.

Your daughter needs to know you are listening, totally support her and protect her emotions now when she’s struggling as this builds such a solid relationship for when they hit the teenage years.

Don’t feel bad, you’re definitely doing the right thing for your family and instead of feeling guilty just remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have done for the child.

good luck

Start taking your DD karate or boxing she needs to learn to defend herself girls can be horrible as they get older. Bullying doesn't end of they know they have an easy target.

Just tell the mum there's been a change of plan, you won't host sleepover on that date because her DD has been using it as a stick to beat your DD.

I'd let her know why as its something ahe needs to talk to her DD about.

End the arrangement. In all honesty it sounds like they’re taking advantage of you anyway, you aren’t great friends and your child is your priority. If you don’t want to point the finger of blame you could always word it as “ it seems the girls aren’t really enjoying hanging out at the min so I think it’s best they have a break from each other” and speak to the teacher to ask them to keep an eye on it. The other girl doesn’t sound particularly nice, she may have issues but she’s treating your daughter badly. It’s not really short notice if it’s a couple of wks away but if it feels awkward you could always be poorly nearer the time and have to cancel! I’ve found self in similar situations and I hate not helping people but it’s taken until my 40s and having my son to finally put us both 1st