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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD sleepovers

261 replies

Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:31

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

OP posts:
CabbagePatchDole · 17/05/2023 03:02

So glad we all concur on this: cancel the sleepover. She can’t treat your DD like that.

Missingmyusername · 17/05/2023 03:07

Cancel it. Let the mother know why.

Actions have consequences.

lunar1 · 17/05/2023 03:12

Cancel it, your daughters home is her safe space. Bullying should never be tolerated, don't bring it into your home out of a misplaced sense of duty.

itsrainin · 17/05/2023 03:13

Sorry but you know you’re being unreasonable. You said yourself that the current arrangement is just to suit the parents/adults as a form of childcare for night outs etc. It’s not done for the sake of the children is it? Their interests aren’t being considered. neither seems like they want to be there with each other.

ultimately this arrangement has run it’s course. I’d cancel the upcoming sleepover and tell the mum that the girls are no longer friends and unkind behaviour is ongoing so you can’t have her child back. This arrangement only suits their family tbh and as a result their child isn’t treating yours with respect. They’re not friends

SargentSagittarius · 17/05/2023 03:18

Absolutely cancel and show your daughter who your priority is.

SunshineAndFizz · 17/05/2023 03:20

No way I'd have her over. Why would you prioritise these people over your DD?

You've been very kind to the mum, someone you don't seem to know very well, but you don't have an obligation to her. She clearly doesn't have one to you, otherwise your DD would be invited to the sleepover.

I actually think this mum is a CF - what exactly are you getting out of all this?

I'd explain that the girls aren't getting on, and therefore the arrangement isn't going to work going forward.

evuscha · 17/05/2023 03:21

Agree with everyone else, listen to your DD and cancel the sleepover.

I don’t know the details of your arrangement or why you’re even helping them this much, but surely having a night out is not a universal right? Why don’t they employ a proper babysitter with relevant clearance then? I can’t imagine sending my DD off to sleepover with people I don’t even know that well and a girl that doesn’t even seem to be her friend, just so I could have a night out. (and yes we also have no family nearby so I know the struggle)

itsrainin · 17/05/2023 03:27

Honestly reading through the lines; you have a family here with potential history of DV due to limited allowed caregivers, yet the mum is happy to leave her child with you, an acquaintance, for the sake of a night out. Hardly urgent!

Then the child has a bullying attitude. Their situation is not ideal and I’d be distancing my family frankly. Victims of abuse need support…from the right sources. You’re not even really friends with her. I think offer emotional support but she needs to ask her actual friends/authorities/child minding services to provide the physical support she needs.

itsrainin · 17/05/2023 03:29

If anything, I think the “limited caregivers” thing is a red herring. I reckon she’s just using you to save on childcare costs.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 17/05/2023 03:33

Put your daughter first. I'd end the arrangement immediately. Their inconvenience is not my concern. My child is my concern.

Jibo · 17/05/2023 06:19

itsrainin · 17/05/2023 03:29

If anything, I think the “limited caregivers” thing is a red herring. I reckon she’s just using you to save on childcare costs.

I agree. You're not some special needs childminder anyway. If this girl isn't being a kind friends to your DD then obviously don't have her over.

BillyNoM8s · 17/05/2023 06:24

Yep. You need to back your daughter up on this one. End the arrangement (now not next time) amd let the mother know why.

Your daughter shouldn't feel uncomfortable in her own home. Nor should she have to go elsewhere so you can provide childcare for her bully.

SD1978 · 17/05/2023 06:34

I'd do the next one as it's pre arranged, and say no to any further times. The parents gain CF status by not inviting your daughter to the party, given that they are happy enough to have their child with you. So if the girl gets to choose who attends her party- which is fine, then your daughter gets the same choice as to who attends her home. And I would be honest with the mum- if she doesn't know her daughter is being rude, then it's not behaviour she can talk to her daughter about and hopefully correct!

Namechange224422 · 17/05/2023 06:35

Am I right in thinking that the reason that there are limited caregivers allowed also make it likely that the child has a trauma background? If so then I think that you need to take that into account when you’re making a decision here.

In your position I would ask your daughter who she would like for a play date and invite that friend over to play. So, take the focus off this girl and onto who she wants to see.

Seperately I would also have a conversation with the mum of the child about what has happened in school, unlinked to the planned play date. See whether things improve once mum has talked to the child.

Decide in a couple of weeks about the play date once you know if they are friends again or not.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 17/05/2023 06:42

The mum is being a cf. The very least she could have done to say thank you for the help you have given is invite your dd to her party. The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, apparently. You need to get in touch with the mum and say that your dc don't appear to be friends anymore, and in fact her dd is being a little unkind to yours, so a sleepover until the girls are friends again would be inappropriate.

Hesma · 17/05/2023 06:48

DD comes first, mum isn’t a friend, cancel it and let mum know how her daughter is behaving.

gettingolderbutcooler · 17/05/2023 06:57

Getting the kids together when they're very little without them asking or having a choice is fine.

But when they are older they really need to agree to it.

Really try and remember what it was like at primary school- the kids you didn't like, the feelings it gave you to see your bully or mean girl every day in class.
And then imagine your mum having them over to your house...

Shinyandnew1 · 17/05/2023 07:04

we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house.

You have a few weeks. I would contact the girl’s family today and explain it won’t be happening any more and why. You are your own child’s advocate; if you don’t protect her, who will?

TizerorFizz · 17/05/2023 07:10

@Justonemoreepisode As others have said, do not continue with this arrangement.

Please do not feel guilty. Other parents really can step in. You said there is a group of you. More sleepover opportunities than my DDs had then! Sleepovers are surely not a regular timetabled occurrence? The girl’s mum will have to find someone else.

Party invitations are overseen by parents. Clearly you and DD are not valued! The mum knows your DD has been omitted. So just let DD play with whom she wants.

NotMyDayJob · 17/05/2023 07:12

This girl is treating your daughter like staff. It's difficult to understand why you are doing the sleepover but it doesn't sound like she has significant SEN or disabilities and most people don't have others they can leave their children with for sleepovers, this is actually a privilege for the few. Three weeks is not short notice (what if you just got ill anyway?)

We had sort of similar with a girl at school, DD (5) thought this girl was best friend but she decided DD wasn't her best friend any more, fair enough these things happen, but she started being really mean to DD, crying and not wanting to go near DD when DD hadn't don't anything wrong (which was confirmed by school) and then playing with her new best friend and refusing to let DD to join in games. Meanwhile her mum asked me if I'd still be arranging a play date. I'm sure DD would actually love a play date but it would send too many mixed messages even if this girl was very nice in her home so I've just let it quietly drop.

Eight is old enough to be more aware, don't let the bully in your home.

boomboom109283 · 17/05/2023 07:30

I would text the mum and say that I am really sorry but the girls don't seem to be getting on too well at the moment and you are going to cancel the babysitting/sleepover as your daughter is upset at the thought of having her over and you won't be able to help for the foreseeable. Tell the truth. If you really feel bad could you say that because it short notice this time you are happy to go to their house an babysit her but moving forwards she will need to call on others.

Sunmachine · 17/05/2023 07:41

Cancel the sleepover and be honest with the mum why you can’t have her. What the Mum should do in that situation is apologise and talk to her DD about her behaviour, which should helps . However, she sounds like a CF not inviting your DD when you’ve been so helpful so she might not unfortunately…

Shinyandnew1 · 17/05/2023 07:43

due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these.

Obviously we don’t know what these issues are and this sounds a highly unusual situation, but do these issues outweigh your own daughter’s wellbeing? Do they ‘excuse’ this girl speaking to yours the way she does?

IamnotSethRogan · 17/05/2023 07:50

Is it that the child is adopted/in Foster care ?

I'm sorry but you happening to have the relevant qualifications does not automatically mean you are obliged to have this girl who is effectively bullying your DD. You're not friends with the parents, and the girls aren't friends so unless they're paying you I don't really understand. I think it's pretty shocking considering the amount of support you offer that they had the brass neck not to invite your daughter to the party.

BillyNoM8s · 17/05/2023 07:57

Namechange224422 · 17/05/2023 06:35

Am I right in thinking that the reason that there are limited caregivers allowed also make it likely that the child has a trauma background? If so then I think that you need to take that into account when you’re making a decision here.

In your position I would ask your daughter who she would like for a play date and invite that friend over to play. So, take the focus off this girl and onto who she wants to see.

Seperately I would also have a conversation with the mum of the child about what has happened in school, unlinked to the planned play date. See whether things improve once mum has talked to the child.

Decide in a couple of weeks about the play date once you know if they are friends again or not.

I fail to see how this is OPs problem. She is not good friends with the mother and the child is bullying her daughter.

Regardless of circumstance, I wouldn't be continuing. OP was a doing a nice thing for someone. She's not obligated to do so and needs to prioritise the welfare of those in her own house.