WWYD sleepovers

[Justonemoreepisode]

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

I’d cancel and let the mother know why. She should have insisted your daughter be invited given the favours you do for her. She’s taking advantage and her daughter is being nasty. Just sever the ties and support your daughter.

Exactly this.

I agree with others that I wouldn't have her over. I'd speak to the mum though and tell her she's being unkind to your daughter and it's not working right now.
Again, let your daughter see that you'll always prioritise her over a school mum and their child.

Don't teach your daughter to submit to being bullied. It's simple, cancel and let the mum know why.

I too suspect the child is in foster care and anyone who has them for a sleepover needs a DBs. I've done this for my friend when she fostered. However, it didn't impact my own children. I think if you are willing to consider continuing helping the other mum, which is very kind of you, you need to have a serious conversation about how things need to change. The child may have particular issues and is using manipulation of friends to gain popularity. It's maybe learned behaviour.

I would cancel the arrangements since the girls are no longer friends . If it's too short notice for the next sleep over then let DD stay at a different friends or GPs . But never again . Your DD must see that you have listened to her and you have her back.

Either send your DD for her own sleepover elsewhere or cancel, but it is not on that DD has to share her home with someone that it taunting her.

How you've ended up in this position, DBS checked or not, is beyond me if you arent friends with the parents. Whether they get time to themselves is regardless, very much a "them" problem. They shouldnt be getting a night off at the expense of your daughter. This whole set up is ridiculous.

Why is it only a select few can look after this child? The mum will need to organise something else.

Say to mum that the future sleepover is cancelled due to behaviour and going forward there will be no more.

I presumed there must be social services involvement too.

This. It all sounds very odd.

This is a situation when your DD comes first. You owe nothing to the other child or her mother.

Don’t have your daughter’s bully stay at your daughter’s home. Not only will it upset her that evening but it’s important for children - especially girls - to learn they should have boundaries and that they do not need to be extra kind towards or put up with bad behaviour from those who are unkind to them.

I would definitely tell the parents of the other girl why you are doing it and about their daughter’s behaviour and comments. It’s important that they understand that this isn’t some sort of tit for tat over a party invitation. Personally I would set it out in writing to be sure it is clear and everything is set out. Their daughter is bullying yours.

Three weeks notice is loads of time to withdraw from your arrangement. If it means that plans have to be rearranged or cancelled so be it. Actions have consequences. Do you have someone else to look after your daughter? If yes I'd maybe consider that you sleepover or babysit the other girl in her own home but she wouldn't be coming into my daughters home whilst she was bullying her. And I'd be telling the other mum exactly why.

I would stop the help. This mum does not care about you or your DD, I don't know why you would go above and beyond for her. I would tell the mum why as well.

We had similar (although not as involved) with a girl who was DD's "BFF" but actually really awful to her for a period. Her parents would quite often ask for favours, pick ups and drop offs mainly. But there was no way I was exposing by DD to spending time with someone who was nasty to her.

Your only priority is your dd.

If you don’t know the mum that well and are not at all concerned about what she thinks or what she might say to others about you, cancel the arrangement.

however, you have agreed to it and backing out of something you have agreed to is also not sending a great message to your daughter.

The mum sounds a bit gormless to have not invited your DD to the party, but I’d probably grit my teeth and go ahead this time but finish it there.

Don’t understand why only someone with a DBS check can look after this girl?! Sounds like some weird shit in the background.

Either way, not your issue. I wouldn’t labour the point, I’d just say ‘our girls seem to have drifted a bit so hoping it’s ok to cancel that play date/sleepover on X Date so the girls can choose who they hang out with’ Any kickback I’d say ‘but you must be aware they’ve drifted - DD wasn’t at your DD’s party? It’s no problem but both girls must have the same freedom to choose their own friends.’

Then step back. Don’t be a mug.

Cancel the arrangement. Your dd comes first.

If people need your help, then they need to treat you with decency and respect, otherwise the help is withdrawn. They are not treating your dd with decency and respect.

Never mint the unpleasant and unkind child. The mother is getting free, specialist childcare and can’t be bothered to invite your daughter? That alone should have ended this relationship

This!

The girl's mother really hasn't helped herself in this situation! I would get in touch and tell her what's going on. If things don't improve then I would stop the childcare arrangement.
She should have invited your daughter anyway.

I would be very wary of getting embroiled in the arguments of 8 yr olds, as these things do tend to blow over quicker when parents and carers don't interfere.
But I do agree that your DD's home should be her safe space.

So I like the suggestion made already that if you feel you have to go through with the current arrangement, then arrange for your DD to be elsewhere for the day and you entertain the child. And back off a bit in future until things calm down.
I do feel sorry for the other child though, because, like others, I suspect she's known trauma I her short little life. So more reason to calm things down rather than stir up

I agree, I think you need to cancel this arrangement and put your dd first. Honestly, we all have issues with childcare from time to time. If they need someone to look after their dd while they are working, they need to find a qualified nanny or childminder. Or if they are just looking for someone to have her while they go on a night out, well, wouldn't we all love that on tap! It doesn't mean you need to provide it at the expense of your own child. They'll need to find someone else or cancel their plans.

Your DD is your priorty, she needs to you to hear her. Cancel the arrangment from today.

These little moments build a picture and doing the right thing will teach her that she can come to you when she needs you and you will back her up.

she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house.

You're not friends with the parents, DD isn't friends with the little girl and there is zero chance I would have this going on in my house. No way.

The arrangement was already a stretch, enough is enough.

Call today.

Hi CF, just calling about the sleepover planned for [date]. DD and Little Madam are not getting on at the moment so we have to cancel.
What? You didn’t know? You thought they were the best of friends?
Well, DD is hurt that she wasn’t invited to Little Madam’s party but I think the real problem stems from Little Madam talking about it at school and having private conversations about the party and excluding DD. You should probably also know that she has said DD is required to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house but Little Madam doesn’t have to be nice to her. It’s verging on bullying so I think it best that we keep them apart for now. Bye bye!