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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD sleepovers

261 replies

Justonemoreepisode · 16/05/2023 22:31

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

OP posts:
viques · 17/05/2023 13:52

I get that you can’t disclose why the arrangement with the other family has to be carefully managed, like others I assume it is because of a child protection/ adoption/fostering situation. And if it is I realise that the other child is likely to have had a bit of a rough deal out of life, but sadly this doesn’t mean that she gets to bully other children and manipulate friendships. I would contact the other family and explain fully why you are cancelling the sleepover.

I hope they can use this as something to help the child move on a bit with her social skills, she is going to have some sharp and painful learning to do if she has missed out on early help with friendship issues, and unfortunately if the situation is as I think, it is not her fault that she has learned to manipulate relationships, so doubly sad that she has to learn to deal with her feelings, and value other people this way. It is hard and distressing, I hope the other parents have the resources and support to help her, but your responsibility lies with your dd and her self esteem and well being.

Didtheythough · 17/05/2023 14:00

Do not have other child to stay. The other mum must have realised when she excluded your daughter from the party invitations that this was a possible outcome. It's not fair on your daughter to have to put up with that in her own home, her safe space. And from the adult point of view, other mum expects you to have her daughter but doesnt extend the same courtesy. If the excuse for this is she's not invited because they aren't friends then it makes no sense for her to come to yours either.

mezlou84 · 17/05/2023 14:32

It's teaching your daughter that her needs aren't as much priority as the bullies. I would speak to the parent now telling her everything that's going on and though you will do it this time, as its been arranged and would be very difficult to rearrange, it is the last time as your daughter is being bullied. She shouldn't have to have the bullies in her home which is her safe space. Tell your daughter as its arranged this is the very last time and would try and arrange for her to be out of the house so she doesn't have to spend time being nice.

tattygrl · 17/05/2023 14:58

SnackSizeRaisin · 16/05/2023 23:23

I'm not seeing the relevance of the qualifications etc to be honest. Especially the DBS. Why are you wanting to support these parents when you don't really know them? Most parents don't have loads of people able to have their child for a sleepover just so they can go for a night out , or avoid taking time off for teacher training days, even without medical issues. If a child gets invited for a sleepover that's great, but I certainly wouldn't be expecting an invitation from a child that wasn't a friend, however much I wanted a night out.
You seem to be putting these parents above your own child. I think that's a bit odd.

Show quote history

Come on people. The DBS and quals obviously indicate that the child in question is a vulnerable person in some way. Adoptee/fosteree from a traumatic background, for example; could be anything, really. Something like this would mean that the child in question can't be looked after by just anyone, only those with DBS clearance.

OP, absolutely back your daughter on this.

mcmooberry · 17/05/2023 15:43

Definitely uninvite. There are people who my children know they have to invite to parties maybe because of favours the parents do for us. and I will not be budged on that. Your DD is one of those who absolutely should have been invited and this compounded by the girls behaviour would be enough to make me act. I 100% would cancel the upcoming play date. Please update if you do.

CheersForThatEh · 17/05/2023 15:48

Uninvite.

Either say to school mum friend that you dont mind who her daughter has at her party but the associated behaviours have upset your daughter.

Or cancel "for personal reasons" and let the friendship fizzle.

Option 1 gives the chance to mum to have a word with her daughter about behaviour generally, option 2 gives you time to see if the girls pull closer in the future without awkwardness.

Workawayxx · 17/05/2023 15:48

I would try and get out of the arrangement and not agree to any other visits for now. Your DD's home should be her sanctuary and she shouldn't have to share it with someone who is basically bullying her. Can you say to the mum that the girls aren't really getting on at the moment, can she find someone else to cover that night? Then just be busy for any other requests.

ShimmeringShirts · 17/05/2023 15:52

I wouldn’t be having anyone in my home that was mean to my children, regardless if it made it difficult for the child’s parents. They shouldn’t have raised a wee shit if it mattered that much to them.

Sammmmmy1512 · 17/05/2023 16:22

Absolutely stop the arrangement, if given enough time id cancel the one u have planned too!

Id also explain to the mum exactly whats been going on as she may be totally unaware!

Hope your daughters ok!

momonpurpose · 17/05/2023 16:30

Your home is your child's safe place. Please do not prioritize this girl and her parents over your daughter. It's very unfair

evuscha · 17/05/2023 16:32

Just why do you feel obliged to provide free babysitting for that family? And for a night out?? Surely they’re welcome to find a sitter with proper DBS/quals? I would understand sleepovers if mutually beneficial/girls were good friends, but that’s not the case here.

Therealjudgejudy · 17/05/2023 16:38

Why on earth are you putting this bully before your daughter?

MeridaBrave · 17/05/2023 16:43

Tell the mum that the arrangement doesn’t work any more since your daughter’s aren’t friends, wasn’t invited to her party and hasn’t been kind to her. Say sorry for short notice.

Fourpeasinapodcast · 17/05/2023 16:57

MeridaBrave · 17/05/2023 16:43

Tell the mum that the arrangement doesn’t work any more since your daughter’s aren’t friends, wasn’t invited to her party and hasn’t been kind to her. Say sorry for short notice.

Exactly, short and sweet and to the point.

Do not, under any circumstances, go through with it.

Serenitymummy · 17/05/2023 17:17

Other kid is being a dick, cancel everything and do something lovely with your daughter on party day. I'd be factual telling the mum why you're ending the arrangement too, your kid has to come first. And good luck, these things can be so awkward.

Thinkingpod · 17/05/2023 17:19

I'd not be having her at my house. And as I'm evil I'd tell the mum 5 minutes before she is about to leave to drop her off to cause most inconvenience

Stompythedinosaur · 17/05/2023 17:29

MeridaBrave · 17/05/2023 16:43

Tell the mum that the arrangement doesn’t work any more since your daughter’s aren’t friends, wasn’t invited to her party and hasn’t been kind to her. Say sorry for short notice.

This is really well put. I would say exactly this.

harridan50 · 17/05/2023 17:36

Why is this even a question
Regardless of the background a child is being unpleasant to your own daughter.
You are her mother and should have her back
No way should she be subjected to this in her own home

Original poster
Justonemoreepisode · 17/05/2023 17:41

Hi, thanks for all the responses, you have confirmed how I was feeling but just wanted to check that I wasn’t overreacting. Circumstances are not black and white as some people have guessed which is why I have probably questioned myself.
I appreciate it may not seem like I put my dd first but she has been happy with arrangement till now and I have been mindful these things can blow over so don’t want to make things worse for DD.
Thanks for all the advice and suggestions.

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 17/05/2023 17:42

Cancel the sleep over and put your DD first.

It's their child therefore their problem if they don't have childcare. Why they haven't ensured your DD was invited despite you providing childcare is beyond me.

Your DD feeling's come first and you're teaching her that other people are more important than her very valid feelings. One of the children who have been invited's parents can provide childcare.

Aaaaandbreathe · 17/05/2023 17:47

Justonemoreepisode · 17/05/2023 17:41

Hi, thanks for all the responses, you have confirmed how I was feeling but just wanted to check that I wasn’t overreacting. Circumstances are not black and white as some people have guessed which is why I have probably questioned myself.
I appreciate it may not seem like I put my dd first but she has been happy with arrangement till now and I have been mindful these things can blow over so don’t want to make things worse for DD.
Thanks for all the advice and suggestions.

Cross posted. Glad you've come the right conclusion. Delicate situation or not, you DD is your priority and the way this girl is acting isn't your or your DD's fault. They clearly have other options so let them use someone else in future.

Nononsensemumsy · 17/05/2023 17:52

It’s your job to protect your daughter and show her that she’s your priority. Don’t over think it cancel the arrangement with immediate effect. This other girl’s mum is taking the piss. Been there, done that … for your daughter’s mental health please cancel the upcoming arrangement.

Daffodil92 · 17/05/2023 17:52

@Justonemoreepisode im assuming this girl is a looked after child?
Youre under no obligation to have this girl over. I’d explain to her parent/caregiver what’s been going on. I would want to know if my child was behaving like this.

ohdamnitjanet · 17/05/2023 17:57

Hell no. What was the mother thinking of to not invite the daughter of someone who looks after her child? Is she really that stupid?

BrokenWing · 17/05/2023 19:53

Explain to the child's parents there has been a bit of friction between them, what has been happening and tell them sleepovers/minding will need to be put on hold until if/when it all blows over and your dd feels comfortable having her in your home again.

The parents should have made sure your dd was invited, or stopped asking if their dd could stay over if the girls are no longer close. It just shows they see you as no more than free childcare.