WWYD sleepovers

[Justonemoreepisode]

Sorry less of a AIBU and more a what would you do?
DD goes to school with another girl who due to a certain issues can only be looked after by a small group of people, I am one of these. Typical primary aged girls, go through periods of being great friends and periods of barely mentioning each other.

As only a few people can look after this girl we have had her over for various ‘playdates’ and sleepovers to support the parents (when they have nights out, teachers training days etc). Girls have a nice time but these are not instigated by the girls but are more to help out parents.
So the girl is having a day out for her birthday and invited various other children in the class, my daughter has not been invited. She briefly commented when invitations went out but not mentioned or seemed bothered since. However last couple of weeks this girl has been holding ‘private chats’ at school with those invited and actively teasing those who are not invited, including my DD. My daughter has become quite upset by this, not attending the party but whispering and pulling away people she’s playing with to have conversations she’s excluded from.
so here’s the WWYD, we are due to have this girl over again in a few weeks and she has started commenting that she doesn’t have to be nice to my daughter but my dd has to be nice to her and let her do what she wants at our house. My DD is quite upset and perceives that this girl can choose who she has over but DD is ‘forced’ to have over someone who is ‘bullying’ her. I’ve explained that this has already been agreed and it would be difficult for the mum to arrange alternative childcare and that she can have a play date with someone she chooses the next weekend but should I stop this arrangement going forward? I am not particularly friends with this mum but equally recognise how difficult it is for her with minimal alternative support so never minded helping before.

Contact the girl's parents NOW and tell her you won't be having her round again. Your daughter deserves to feel safe, secure and loved in her own home ... inviting a girl who is actively, gleefully bullying her is incredibly wrong. no matter what her problems are.

“Dear CF, as the girls are no longer friends, we can no longer have your DD for a sleepover on xxx date.”

Then if you get any comeback just say:

”My DD wasn’t invited to the birthday party and your DD now excluding her from conversations, pulling away friends and whispering. My DD is uncomfortable and upset, and I have no wish to compound her distress by forcing her to spend time in her own home in the company of someone who doesn’t treat her kindly.”

If you don't feel as though you can cancel the sleepover, could you arrange for DD to do something fun elsewhere? Maybe with other friends or cousins, or a trip out with her dad?
The 'friend' could still come to you purely as a babysitting arrangement on this last occasion.
And then don't agree to any future sleepovers unless the girls make up and DD suggests it.

You need to cancel the sleepover.

Do not let this child's trauma become your child's trauma. Cancel the arrangement straight away.

@Justonemoreepisode This makes no sense. Why are you looking after the girl if not your daughters friend, is a bully & you are not friends with the mum? Are you paid to look after the girl?

Are we really considering that there are even 2 choices
to consider? The only option surely is calling bully’s mum and saying - your daughter is bullying mine, I cannot provide childcare again.

and then hugging your daughter, thank you for telling me, I will always put you first.

Your daughter's home should be her safe space, yet you intend bringing in someone who bullies her? The bully girl is not your problem but your poor, distressed daughter should be.

Stop having these stopovers compulsory for your DD when it isn't mutual, the person isn't inviting DD to her stuff and is even being snarky with her.

Your DD must come first.

At most, have it as a last one-off because it's been agreed, then say to the mum you can't/won't do it anymore.

A PP made a good suggestion that your DD could maybe do something else while the other girl is here.

You need to have your dd’s back no way would I let a bully back in the house
think about how this works kk impact her, not the parents

It’s important your own child grows up knowing that she can place boundaries on her choices. Age 8 is old enough to be able to understand friendship and what’s a good friendship and it seems that your DD understands she doesn’t want to be friends with the girl.

Unless you’re being employed by the parents, then I really think you need to listen to your DD and agree not to have the girl over any more. At least for now whilst they’re not really friends. Sounds like the parents are taking the piss to be honest.

I'd have it as a one off but never again

Yes 100% this

How is this even a question. Do NOT have your Daughter's bully in your house. That's as far as it goes. Doesn't matter about the parents, who they are to you, their circumstances, whatever. Support your Daughter and don't feel guilty about that. She needs to know she's your priority here, not someone else's obnoxious oik. Do NOT feel bad about saying no.

First priority is your daughter . If she has valid reasons as to why she doesn’t want the other girl at your house there’s nothing more to think about. Tell the parent the arrangement is off.

I think you need to cancel the sleepover and honestly explain why, making clear that your child is not upset about not being invited to the party but their child’s behaviour in school since. The family knew that by leaving your daughter out there would likely be some upset and need to take responsibility for this. Your daughter needs to know that you will always support her and put her first.

Really, OPs DD should clear off out of her own house (overnight?as its a sleepover) to accommodate a bully?

OP, I'd let the girl's mum know what was going on and then basically cancel any future babysitting until the girl learns some manners.

Definitely terminate the agreement with immediate effect. Your daughters wellbeing trumps everything else. She must be prioritised over anyone else, regardless of any difficulties the other family have. It ain't your problem

The girl is not your responsibility and if the parents cannot sort her behaviour out then they should arrange alternative childcare. Do not put others before you in this case, don’t let her into the house! X

If you have this girl over you are essentially giving your DD the messages that people can be persistently unkind to her and she just has to put up with it. Not a good life lesson. Talk to the other parents. If the other child wants to change her ways and apologise then you can look at it again. If the other parents are halfway decent they’d want to be told about this and address it. If not then at least you’ll know. Show your DD that she can be kind and tolerant of other people but is not a doormat.

You're not friends with the mum.
The girl is bullying your daughter.
Sure it's helpful to the mum.
But your first priority is to your daughter.

i would say no.

Cancel the sleepover immediately and tell the mum honestly why.

You absolutely have to 100% cancel the sleepover. Tell the parents that as her daughter has decided she is no longer friends with your daughter, she is not invited to her party and excluded at school you can’t see how on earth a sleepover will work. It will be so traumatising for your daughter for you to have this child at home in her safe space, with you knowing the issues and condoning it. You will be teaching her she has no autonomy and has to be nice to people abusing her, you will wire her brain to be nice to people who hurt her, it will mess her up for adult relationships. Don’t do this to her.

If the girl has started bullying your daughter the deals off IMO.
It really doesn’t matter if only a few of you can care for her.
Shes a bully.
Just tell the mum you aren’t prepared to do it anymore.