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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not look after DN during the week?

416 replies

HelpingWithDNNoThanks · 16/05/2023 21:24

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

OP posts:

theswoot · 16/05/2023 21:27

YANBU. They’re taking the piss - they need to take leave or get proper childcare like everyone else has to. Did your SIL really go back to work after just four weeks?! Also I can’t imagine your brother’s employer being pleased if they find out he’s working whilst caring for a baby.

Original poster

HelpingWithDNNoThanks · 16/05/2023 21:28

theswoot · 16/05/2023 21:27

@theswoot Yes 4 weeks post birth, and it would have been sooner had DN been born any later, more like 10-14 days if they'd been born even 10 days later,

DBro has said he's told his employer he has the baby at home in the day but they're not happy that he's not commiting to it, hence the inviting me over to "help" on my day off.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 16/05/2023 21:30

Honestly the bloody audacity, I'd have laughed in his face.
No, you have too much on your plate as it is, how dare they! Sorry op, your brother and his partner are disgusting to even think it's OK to ask you.

Nevermind31 · 16/05/2023 21:31

Just say no. You don’t owe them anything, and they are taking the piss. One of them will need to take time off work

Scautish · 16/05/2023 21:32

100% YANBU. Just keep saying no and you do not ever have to justify why. Your brother is being hugely and massively unreasonable.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/05/2023 21:32

And he thinks it's OK to lock the door to stop you from giving back HIS child so you can pick up your own 8yr old?!
Why did they even have a baby if they are doing this?

weltenbummler · 16/05/2023 21:33

Don't let your brother guilt trip you into any commitment! He is alreqdy strategically locking himself into his office to force you to care for his child. Don't go when he invites you.

SleepingisanArt · 16/05/2023 21:34

Next time he asks say no. If he persists tell him you charge £25 per hour for childminding. That should let him know you aren't going to be taken for a mug!

Lapland123 · 16/05/2023 21:36

This is completely insane!!
you know that, right?

Have they not realised that their baby is... theirs????

user1477249785 · 16/05/2023 21:36

OP sometimes when you are in the thick of something, you can't see how outrageous it is. For the avoidance of doubt, his request to you is totally outrageous. If they want at home childcare, they can pay for a nanny. You have enough on your plate and you aren't responsible for their logistical issues.

herbygarden · 16/05/2023 21:36

Please don't do as he asks. Much as you love your DN, your DS has to come first as do you. I am so shocked at someone going back 4 weeks PP, surely everyone gets at least statutory maternity pay? I know it's not great but still. Difficult for you though!

Yummymummy2020 · 16/05/2023 21:37

They are so cheeky op. We had no help for childcare and had to tag team it so I took a year off for my maternity times, partially unpaid and now I am part time to allow for minding the kids. I don’t understand why she went back so soon with no plan in place unless they are absolutely broke, but I do know the expectation on you is ridiculous and to think they tried to use help you had against you aswell!!! That’s so entitled!!!

gogogoji · 16/05/2023 21:37

Just say. O and if he presses say you are committed to some activity or other so you aren't free even if you wanted to be. Tell him you have a tummy bug, a migraine. Anything. They'll have to figure something else out. Oh and when he locked the door, I would have banged on it and shouted that you are heading off now to collect your dc so you are placing baby in their cot and heading off now. And then go.

Original poster

HelpingWithDNNoThanks · 16/05/2023 21:37

I do feel guilty because I know I do have the help from my ex-ILs and I couldn't manage without them - a few times I've been in work and school have called and I don't have the car, so I'll text Ex-MIL and she'll grab DC from school and take them back to theirs until I can get there.

And my parents did rearrange work to help with pickups and drops off when I first split with ExP only for 6 months or so while we settled into a new routine but it was a big help.

OP posts:

Lefteyetwitch · 16/05/2023 21:39

I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early

You what?!

I can't write anything supportive or within community guidelines so...

TomatoSandwiches · 16/05/2023 21:41

HelpingWithDNNoThanks · 16/05/2023 21:37

And my parents did rearrange work to help with pickups and drops off when I first split with ExP only for 6 months or so while we settled into a new routine but it was a big help.

But there is only one of you to look after your son and he has additional needs!

There are two of them and acting like the baby has come out of nowhere and to look after it between them is them being put upon, the baby is their responsibility, there is no reason to feel guilty to say absolutely not to their ridiculous expectations.
Aunties are there for occasional babysitting not full or part time permanent childcare, good grief.

Picklewicklepickle · 16/05/2023 21:41

This is absolutely insane, what your ex-ILs and parents did for you has absolutely NOTHING to do with it. They are entitled, cheap CFs who need to pay for childcare!

Smartiepants79 · 16/05/2023 21:42

This is one of the craziest and cheekiest things I’ve heard in ages.
They cannot realistically think this is going to work in the longer term. They need some childcare. That poor baby.
Absolutely say no. They have got to be kidding, no one’s this entitled and thoughtless surely.

Fairowing · 16/05/2023 21:42

Maybe the reason they have no one to help them (like your ex-inlaws, parents) is because they treat people like this. You should not feel guilty about having support. I get trapped in long term favours and I find the second anything goes awry they will blame you, usually after you have stood up for yourself after weeks/months/years of CFkery

Bananazebra · 16/05/2023 21:42

It is absolutely completely unreasonable of your brother.
The only way he'd have anything remotely like a leg to stand on would be if HE was the one who rearranged work to help you with your DC or if HE was the one who picks them up from school when you can. But he didn't and he doesn't so his argument is void!

ivegotthisyeah · 16/05/2023 21:42

Massive difference is there is one of you and two of them!! Cheeky to the max! Say no!!!

arlow · 16/05/2023 21:42

He is being utterly selfish and deeply manipulative of you. Your priority has to be for your own DC and by default, yourself. It is difficult enough being a single working parent, never mind all the other difficulties you have outlined. Please don't let him take advantage of you like this. And you are right that it is challenging enough keeping your own employer happy when you are parenting, moreover single parenting. Care of his DC on a regular basis is his and his DPs issue. His unfounded arguments to guilt trip you into thinking you owe him childcare seems to me very unkind. I would suggest not going over there. I would also suggest not getting into a regular arrangement as part of his routine as they will continue to take advantage of you. Once they are set up with childcare, babysitters and whatever else they need regularly, you might then choose to help as hoc if and when it suits you but until then I would avoid seeing them on working days!

JudgeJ · 16/05/2023 21:42

Honestly the bloody audacity, I'd have laughed in his face.

And then told him what your hourly rate for child-minding will be.

TeaKitten · 16/05/2023 21:43

Don’t feel guilty, presumably SIL new she was pregnant so this childcare issue hasn’t caught them by surprise. They’ve planned it and not discussed it with you, the cheeky bastards. Just say no.

PuppyMonkey · 16/05/2023 21:43

I don’t get why your brother thinks because your ex PIL help you that makes it fair that you help them. Why don’t you suggest he asks your ex PIL to step in and help him and his new baby direct, it makes just about as much sense.

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