To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

@BlueBlue72 I don't wfh, I can wfh when I want to and if I asked my work would say I could wfh for the whole 3 days if I wanted but only usually do so when DC has an appointment or gets sent home from school early

This is crazy, they need to employ a nanny if they both want to be back at work that soon.

What about her parents?! Although it's definitely not your problem to solve!

@RidingMyBike Sils parents live a few hours away and have other grandchildren they help with regularly.

I'm beginning to actually wonder if its to do with DN not being the first or only grandchild, as they keep pointing out I had help when DC was the only one. And DC is still the only grandchild of Ex-ILs.

You got help from your exILs (nothing to do with your brother) and your own parents because you were left alone with a DC with a disability. You work part-time to accommodate that. You are already on the back foot.

Your DB and SIL had a baby knowing that neither of their parents can help, and are just unreasonably jealous. Maybe if SIL left DB and you could help a few hours that would be a different matter.

They made their bed and now must lie in it. If they planned you as backup childcare, it should be a) paid for and b) they might have told you beforehand.

Stay strong. Say no. Tell them it's because you can't give back their baby in order to collect your own child and how would they feel about that in your position.

Keep saying no. If they keep asking? use the actual CF words to them.

Well done for standing your ground OP. Him ignoring you just shows you how entitled he is.

Your brother and his wife chose to have a baby without making any provision for childcare. They didn’t even ask you, they just presumed. I have honestly never heard anything like it. You are a single mum with a child who has a disability, and working. How on earth would anyone think you could take on a tiny baby?

They need to stop focusing on the help you received and focus on their own situation. Your in-laws are no relation to your brother, so that help wouldn’t come his way. And you received help because you were on your own, your ex wasn’t helping and you have a child with extra needs. Situations that you did not choose…unlike your entitled brother.

Next time he starts whining, and it won’t be long, I would snap right back at him that he’s obviously forgotten that you are on your own with a disabled child, neither of which you got to choose and does he really begrudge you that help? And point out that he and SIL chose to have the baby and you don’t owe them anything.

They have choices. If they refuse to use childcare one of them gives up work. Simple as that. It’s their child and they need to stop being so entitled and expect others to pander to them

I actually feel sorry for baby! She’s not exactly wanted by either of her parents is she?!

Isn't that your answer? Tell your DB your work have changed their policy and will only let you WFH in extenuating circumstances involving your DS, not to babysit your niece.

Your brother has the same help offered to him as you did. Ie your parents will drop off and pick up baby from nursery. It’s ridiculously entitled that he’s expecting people to give up work/spare time to care for his child for free.

has he always been so entitled?

The thing is when you have kids no matter how much help you get you are more or less on your own, in that the child is your responsibility. A bit of help is great, but it's not something you can automatically expect or come to rely on too much in most cases.

And you certainly can't add up what your sibling got and then demand they give it to you as some kind of payment.

The sooner they accept their new responsibility, and realise that it's not all about them anymore, but the child they chose to have, the better.

Having kids is really hard.

I don't understand why on earth people like this even have kids! Was the pregnancy planned do you happen to know?

If she works for an employer I believe it's not even legal for her to return to work until at least 6 weeks pp for H&S reasons. Is she self employed?

Even aside from that this is insanity! Either they earn enough they can afford childcare themselves or if they don't they get the same help as everyone else, they don't prevail on a relative who already has more than enough on their plate!!

Selfish selfish gits! Both to the baby and you.

I'd be telling them both to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for the child THEY created.

it's not DNs fault and I absolutely hate the thought of a tiny baby screaming and screaming for attention and no-one being there.

If you GENUINELY think your brother would do this to his baby there are FAR worse problems in that household!

I don't have any idea how much SMP is or how much childcare for babies costs

You don't need to, not your problem!

Given his behaviour so far I'm another saying just don't go over at all on work days I wouldn't even answer phone in any way to him those days.

Massive cheeky fuckers.

Glad to read you're standing up for yourself. Your mum is out of order not backing you up tbh, your dad has it spot on.

Though not naive, selfish!

Do they really expect family to provide unpaid childcare for 2-3 YEARS?!

Utterly ridiculous!

The reason nurseries and childminders don't provide care before 6 weeks (I've been a childminder) is I believe because of the health & safety implications not only for mum returning to work before then but for the child too.

4 weeks is tiny! I would not have taken on a baby that young, I started from 12 weeks.

I was also a working mum nothing against working mums ethically at a reasonable point but this absolutely sounds to me like at least one of them never even wanted a child, which is deeply concerning.

@Graphista If she works for an employer I believe it's not even legal for her to return to work until at least 6 weeks pp for H&S reasons. Is she self employed?

Compulsory maternity leave by law is 2 weeks or 4 weeks if the mother works somewhere like a factory.

Maybe your parents need to have everyone round for dinner one evening then casualty turn the conversation round to what their childcare plans are (or you could start the convo)

I wonder if sil knows that you were not asked in advance properly by your brother?

if everyone is in the room at the same time , then nobody can tell anyone a slightly different tale and your parents could also stick up for you and see how ridiculous their son is being

Just when you think you’ve heard it all before.

surely no one is this entitled, demanding and selfish?

no way I’d let my brother treat me like this. You aren’t the parent of his baby! Tell him to parent his own child. What an absolute brat.

doesn’t matter what help you had. Tell him to fuck off.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks

Sils parents live a few hours away and have other grandchildren they help with regularly.

I'm beginning to actually wonder if its to do with DN not being the first or only grandchild, as they keep pointing out I had help when DC was the only one. And DC is still the only grandchild of Ex-ILs.

I really don't think it is. I think it's strictly a huge sense of entitlement on the part of your DB and SiL and also I think there's jealousy over the fact that SiL's family is helping out SiL's siblings.

They're 'equating' your ex-iL's helping you with SiL's parent's not helping them when the two things are completely unrelated. Not to mention that her parents are too far away to give much practical help. Although I'm sure that DB and SiL think a 'few hours travel' would be just nothing for her parents and that they should be happy to help out. Makes me wonder if they've already asked her parents and been refused due to the distance.

As for now, if he's refusing to speak to you (aka sulking) I'd just consider the matter closed and enjoy the peace and quiet.

This.