To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Essentially they are making not just you but also your in-laws act as their free childminders. They are absolutely taking the piss and you really should not let them get away with it.

Definitely

Absolutely yanbu!

You are already basically Superwoman for managing to care for a DC with additional needs and health issues at the same time as holding down a 25hr pe job as a single mum. That is totally amazing. Kudos to you.

You should not be taking on any more. Absolutely not. To do so and thus risk breaking the delicate balances of competing needs would be madness. Just no.

Off the main point, but still important - why is the school asking you to take your child home early? This is unlawful - by law he must have full time education. If they can't meet his needs they should apply for an EHCP, if he already has one they should be asking for it to be amended so that he has more support. I'd suggest you. ask for an early annual review to discuss this urgently.

"He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help"

Yeah, but he's got a fulltime partner to share the parenting every day, whereas your ex only takes your child one weekend a month. Even if it were justified for him to compare the amount of help you and he have, he's still comparing it in a very unbalanced, self-serving way.

Also, even if you did have lots of help, that wouldn't mean you "owe" it to him to do masses of free childcare for him. You're not in debt to him. It's your time, you don't owe him any of it.

Your child is disabled, you need to put your own child's security first. Your brother and his partner are two, presumably able-bodied, working people, who can figure this out without having to cannibalise your resources.

I think lots of men, even quite nice men, deep down believe that the women in their lives really exist simply to serve them. They don't see these women as having any natural right to happiness of their own, and if the man is ever less happy or content than the woman, then that means the woman has somehow incurred a debt and now "owes" the man some of her resources. They see the natural state of the world as a man should always have more good stuff than a woman, otherwise an injustice is happening to the man.

If your child regularly needs to be picked up early from school because of his disability, this is very important and you cannot jeopardise your child's security or your job by committing to a conflicting obligation such as babysitting your nephew. Your child is your primary obligation.

Nay, nay and thrice nay. And for the avoidance of any doubt - absolutely fucking not.

Your Dbro is plain out of order - I like the way *@Hairpinleg summarises the situations -

He'd like the single mother of a disabled child to risk her job by minding his baby when she's supposed to be working?

Your niece is not your responsibility, full stop. I don't care how much your parents helped you when your boy was tiny, that doesn't mean you sacrifice your job, upset your child to help out a 2 parent family with a new born. And as for your Dbro deciding your ex's parents should start providing regular childcare for you - what the hell ! You have one entitled brother there, sister. If Mumsnet had an award for Cheeky Fucker of the Year your Dbro would be in with a bloody good shout, and it's only May!

OK seriously - step back. Obviously next time Dbro invites you over - just say no - busy today, no can do. Repeat as necessary. Don't give a reason, don't make up appointments or illnesses, just No can do. If he ever dares to ask again about you "working from home" at his - again that "won't work for me". No excuses, no reasons, no lies, and repeat as necessary. Don't offer then anything, no collecting, no pick ups, no sickness cover - you will offer an inch and they will take a whole 26 miles from you and expect you to be chuffed at the privilege.

May I ask - how do you think your parents would react if they knew about this farcical set up your Dbro has with his baby ?

YADNBU to nip this in the bud now.

However YABU to think yourself 'lucky' that your child's father pays $250 per month in maintenance. That would be the absolute bare minimum and something any half decent father would do.

That’s crackers. Babies need full time care - they need to look elsewhere

You owe him jack all!

it’s really unfair of them to both be working. If baby is too young for childcare they need to pay for a Nanny. Or do what all other parents do and take parental leave. You don’t have a child unless you are willing to care for them.

he is guilt tripping you and your work is going to suffer and your child will feel like they are being replaced if they are sent off to grandparents whilst you take after another child!

Sorry but I've lost all sympathy for you here. Come on! Seriously you need to step up. If they leave the baby to scream for hours then you report them. I can't believe that you would put your own DD in second place because you can't risk upsetting your controlling arsehole of a brother. Just WTF?

Tell them no you have too much on your own plate to deal with. Their baby is far to young to be under anyone else’s care besides it’s own parents.

If they think the baby is too young for childcare (which he is) one of them has to take parental leave and look after it! This guilt trip on you is utterly ridiculous and is detrimental to you own work and your own child. Just refuse.

They're cheeky fuckers. Seriously. Tell them to do one. Prioritise you and your child- that's what they're doing.

Your fortunate (according to Dbro) childcare history has nothing to do with his own situation. You don't owe him childcare! And it's not like watching over a 5yo who is easily entertained, it's caring for a tiny baby which is a full time job! This is beyond crazy.

YANBU X10000000000

Your brother is one of the worst cheeky fuckers I’ve ever seen on here. To stop you picking up your own DC from school is a total disgrace. I’m fuming in your behalf OP! Tell them absolutely no, and stop going over there on your day off.

I am so angry on OP's behalf that these grifters would expect her to mind their newborn for them while they work - while SHE works and rears a child with disabilities.

But I am also desperately sorry for their baby. These are the weeks when you should be forming a close intimate bond with your newborn - mum or dad - or someone. Some permanent, close, primary caregiver. This baby is not getting what she needs from the people who should be providing it. Desperately awful

Why did they have a baby if they don't even spend any time with him? 4 weeks is too early to be without his Mother. The poor thing. One of them needs to stop working and look after their own child. It's not possible to look after a baby whilst WFH.

Oh 100% fuck no.
stop going on your day off. They are entities cunts.
you do not need to go as you are worried the baby will cry. The same thing will happens the other days you are not there.

Of they had help from their in-laws like fuck would they share that child care with you

No, no, no.

Yes, you have had some help - which you in no way expected, and were willing to pay for! - but that’s because you are single and have a high-needs child!

There are two of them!

They need to step and parent their own child.

Stop going around on your days off.

I can’t believe they’ve made significant life plans and factored your (very significant) contribution to supporting this based on both an assumption that you’d fall into line out of a sense of obligation for help they have offered in the past, and a sense of entitlement to your TIME because other people assisted you when your kids were babies. He’s gone back to work from home, probably told his place of employment that you ARE doing childcare and now you’re expected to just ignore your own needs and desires to suit him and his wife? Bizarre. I’m guessing he wouldn’t be paying you the going rate for childcare. CF!!!

You were late to pick up your own kid because of this?

If they don't want the baby to go to childcare they can hire a nanny.

Your in-laws being able to help you out shouldn’t factor into his thought process either. That’s so weird. I still can’t get over him locking the door to you and the baby so you couldn’t pick your kid up. That would have been enough to make me lose my shit at his entitlement.

Remind them that you were a sahm until your own dc was 12 months old. 12 months, not 12 weeks. Bit of a difference.

Also you are a single parent to a child with SN, when you stop work you have additional stress caring for your child, do they ever offer to spend time with your dc so you can relax and have some time to yourself, or is the tag team child care only happening one way?

So bro wants you to work at his house whilst he goes in a room, locks the door and leaves YOU to look after his baby whilst you are supposed to be working? That's what's going to happen, on those days it will all be left down to YOU.

Stop going over on your days off. Tell bro no, your past/future childcare has nothing to do with him and you don't owe him anything. Tell him if he's jealous about past childcare then to take it up with his parents.

Pair of cheeky feckers the both of them.

You have enough to deal with and being late for your own child because of him is not on.