To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Piss taking

You are a single parent: your DBro is not.
You are the parent of a disabled child with frequent need for emergency care. Your DBro is not.

They have no right to make their childcare needs your problem.

Any help you received from your parents or ILs is irrelevant. He has no business trying to guilt trip you,

He is a CF, you are not.

This is a crazy suggestion. Surely SIL was entitled to paid maternity leave - or if she is self employed they should have saved up enough to tide them over for a few months. Or the father can take paternity leave.

I feel sorry for the baby as neither parent seem to be prepared to look after her properly but it is absolutely not OP’s problem to solve. They have other options which they are choosing not to take.

This is ridiculous, the baby would be better off in childcare

So no

So how often is "D"B offering yo provide childcare for your child?
Yours is school age, so he's had years of opportunity to offer.

Find out what local childminders are charging - & add 25%

I am Lp to a child with additional needs.. The last few months have been particularly challenging- work have been fabulous but because they know I am doing what I can .

Don’t take that for granted. If too young for nurseries or child minders then they need to employ a nanny.

I do 4 days a week because I really need some time for myself , organising.

you have so much on your plate .

never ever agree to working from his home

Just stop being a mug

Why have they had a baby just to ignore it as soon as it's born!? So odd that neither parent want to have parental leave and care for their tiny baby. Don't get involved in this shit show.

OP, you might have help from the in-laws but you don't have "extra" help. It's just similar to you having a partner to split the load with. Everyone needs and deserves someone to share the load with. Your brother has that with his partner. They don't need 3 people. Tell the CFs NO. And don't even offer to do drop offs. You have enough to do.

Tbh I don’t really understand why you’re here asking us this. Or why you’ve gone along with what you have thus far.

Boundaries.

What have I just read? You miss picking your own child up from school because you won't leave a baby in a house with it's father?

But that makes no sense. People’s circumstances are different. My Dsis has fantastic in-laws that help loads, mine don’t help at all.., I don’t expect her to ‘make up’ for that though, that’s crazy.

What are they doing to make it fair that they have each other whilst you’re a single parent? Does one of them come sleep over so that you have equal help on an evening/ first thing in the morning?

And picking your child up comes before looking after your niece when her dad is in the house. In your shoes, I would have knocked on the door for as long as it took, and as loudly as needed for him to come back out.

Please don’t let them guilt you into helping more than you’re able. Their childcare isn’t your responsibility.

Why haven't he taken parental leave if she is the higher earner?

It sounds like the primary woman in his life isn't doing the childcare so he's expecting the secondary woman in his life to do it

If he's locking himself in his office to force you to stay and look after the baby there's no way you would be taking it in turns if you work from his house

His household has two incomes one of which they are putting at risk by not having childcare.

Your household had one income (with some cms) and they are trying to transfer the risk to you, but the risk is far higher for you. If you lose your job because of looking after the baby will they be offering you a monthly income or a roof over your head?

Honestly this is staggeringly selfish to put you in this position. You also don't owe him any favours because of something your parents or your inlaws did. he wasn't there stepping up for you was he?

And to put it into context I do a lot of childcare for my nieces and nephews and currently have my neice living with us. And I still am horrified by what he's doing, it's not because I'm not into looking after a siblings child

What do your parents say about this, will they back you up? Has SIL asked her family for help? Please, please, stick up for yourself and your child. I wouldn't care if they stopped speaking to me over this.

You had split from your Partner.
There are two of them.

I was, quite literally, open-mouthed whilst reading your OP @HelpingWithDNNoThanks at tug she’d audacity of your Bro and SiL.
Three words suffice : no fucking way.

And don’t feel guilty about refusing. You are absolutely right to not want to take the piss re your employer.
And quite frankly, it’s their kid, their issue to sort out. Cheeky fuckers.

Your DN is not your responsibility!

You work reduced hours anyway you don't want to start childminding on top! It sounds you have a good employer and you're a good employee, i wouldn't want to fracture that relationship for something that is not your responsibility.

And just because you have helpful in laws doesn't mean you owe them anything!

THEY decided to have a child so THEY have to decide and pay for childcare like every other family in the world. I'd stop visiting as regularly if it's affecting you collecting your DC from school.

This is totally insane, as all pps have said.

No way should you even entertain this “request” from your DB. Honestly the convoluted logic they employ to try to guilt you into this is mind boggling.

Absolutely not, no way.

This is truly bonkers. How on earth is your bro managing to get any work done with a 12 week old baby at home that he’s in some charge of. Poor baby!

I wonder how much ExMIL would be willing to take your child so you can take someone else’s? I doubt their good will would last long!

Yes if you are working - but voluntarily taking a baby? Not so much.

You brother needs to sort his childcare - with Gil wife and make a plan and you aren’t the unpaid nanny.

Just say no.

Are you joking??? It’s such a massive piss taking that I can’t believe that it’s for real.

he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.
This^
And don’t allow them to delude yourself about love and family etc. You have to look after yourself and your child.
DN has their own fully functioning parents. Full stop .

This is what parental leave exists for!?

'Sorry bro as you know I am run ragged dealing with my own wonderful child and his not inconsiderable needs. You and sil should take some parental leave, or hire a nanny, until you feel DN is able for a group creche setting'

By the way mine were all 14 months, and we did it with leave, holidays, nanny's.

It sounds like you have a reality understanding employer. I like to think I'm a really understanding employer. I would absolutely be happy to give a good employee the flexibility you describe to care for her own disabled child. But if I then found out that that flexibility was being used to provide free childcare for that employee's newborn niece on a permanent basis because the employee's brother didn't have his shit together to pay for childcare, I'd be fuming and that would be the end of the flexibility for that employee. Possibly the end of their job as well.

So it's very simple what you say to your DB - "DB - you have realised and your employers know it's not possible to work full time and care for a baby full time. My employers know this too and while they have been very good about giving me flexibility for my DC, if I were to start doing this I wouldn't be able to do my job properly either and would be at risk of losing it. Then I would be really stuffed as there is no guarantee id get another job with the same flexibility. You need proper childcare from people who aren't working at another job at the same time."

Oh and obviously, do not go over on your day off. Just be busy.
And clearly do not go over there to WFH.

How are you supposed to get on with your work, that you get paid for, when you're looking after DN, precisely?
Your employer wouldn't be best pleased if they were paying you, giving you time off when needed, only for you to neglect your work for no good reason.
If you do ever go to your brothers again and he leaves the baby with you, hammer on his office door and tell him you're going and to look after the baby himself!

Whatever arrangements you have with your in laws are none of his business, were it not for them, you'd be on your own coping with everything with no support, your brother has his wife to share the chores with, you still have your own chores to see to as well as looking after your own child, working, running your household and trying to get 5 minutes peace. Tell your thoughtless, selfish brother to take a long hike!