To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Stop looking at childcare providers. This is not your problem. They sound absolutely delusional about this whole issue and need to get a grip.

Ans seriously, retract your offer of drop offs and collecting. Can’t you see where that’ll leave you each and every time the baby has a cold/ sticky eye/ fever??

When he inevitably comes back to you tell him straight he needs to arrange his own life and sadly you are going to have to step away as you cannot meet his expectations.

in short Just Say No.

Good for you.
I’m usually all for helping out family and even potentially putting yourself out to do so but what they are suggesting is just beyond it all! And completely unsustainable. They simply don’t have a plan to care for their own child.

Yes, I do get that @HelpingWithDNNoThanks , and 100% agree with you saying no (as a previous post of mine showed)

But looking at it from his biased POV, all he can see if the help you have had and that he isnt getting. Though it really seems to be your exPs parents that is the only difference, and that is none of his business. But he wont see that it seems.

She also has a JOB.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks he needs to be reminded that your ILs are stepping in to help in loco parentis - because you’re a single parent and their son isn’t parenting his own child.

You’re doing this alone.

They’re not. They have each other, plus two incomes. Plus you’re dealing with a disabled child.

And as you say, your ILs could withdraw that help at any time.

You don’t have the ‘lucky’ set-up that he’s trying to guilt you into thinking you do, and when (not if!) he comes crawling back to you, you need to keep reiterating that.

Which is why I said she has "one wage" coming in - for, you know, A JOB

I would possibly agree (although he would still be being unreasonable) if he had an older baby. But for both parents to be back at work before the child is 12 weeks old with absolutely no plans in place for who is going to look after the child is utterly ridiculous.

FWIW I 100% agree that the help you get from your Ex-ILs is none of his business. Even if you were still with the father and his parents were providing help, it STILL does not give him any entitlement from you or your family.

So glad you stood up for yourself. Let him ignore you - he will soon realise he is the only one losing out there as the help you did offer (which is a significant amount) is no longer an option too

That's still not OP's problem though and I'm not sure how saying it helps her right now.

Hahaha, so glad you told him straight, and that your parents seem to be on the same page as you - he's made his bed, he can lie in it!

I'd be offering him exactly the same as he's provided to you - 2 or 3 babysits a year!

Cheeky fucker.

Just like you can force a woman to start her maternity leave if she’s off sick with a pregnancy related illness in the last few weeks, his work should be able to force him to take parental leave - ‘ find a solution within the next 5 days and start coming into the office or we will put you on parental leave for the next 9 months at £200 /week’ !

Well done OP — your first responsibility is towards your own DC and you shouldn’t feel obligated to run yourself ragged.
Who knows — maybe your Bro and his DP agreed that he would as a last resort work part time or be a SATD if no other arrangements could be made, which is why he is so keen you should help out.
Beggars can’t be choosers so if they prefer not to look after DN themselves then they have the alternative of a childminder. I wasn’t keen on a nursery for various reasons so chose a childminder for my DC initially for more consistent care.

OP - I can't believe that you're not running to provide support for your brother and his wife and their child, particularly after he shouted at you.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself. 😆😆😆

He was lucky you didn't hang up the phone when he started shouting at you.

Please don't back down now. It actually sounds like you have the support of your parents when you said no to your brother.

Best of luck to you standing firm!

Great updates, OP.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks

He's now not talking to me, so there may be no update after this but thank you all.

Well he's rather shot himself in the foot here, hasn't he?

They're both adults and can sort themselves out without your help. Stay strong and careful what you offer, if anything. Any weakness and they'll take a mile - which they've already proven. 🌹

What was their plan if they were hellbent on not using childcare and being back at work after 4 weeks? It's not your responsibility to manage their childcare issues.

Weird. They had 9 months to plan. But seem to think that anyone but them should look after their baby.

Your brother needs to get his head out of the sand. They should be focusing on the needs of their baby. Not telling everyone else what is required of them. Jokers.

Well done OP. That's a great update (although I think you were being more than generous in offering to do pick ups and drop offs).

He has a cheek- the only reason you didn't use child are when your dc was born was because you were a stay at home parent...you know...like one of them should be until their child can go to nursery.

Their lack of planning is not your problem and make sure they don't take the loss with your very kind offer to do pick ups. Although from the sound of it your brother has shot himself in the foot there!

YANBU and they sound like utter morons. I truly cannot fathom how they thought that both of them working from 4 weeks was the optimal solution. Can you suggest DB looks at whether shared parental leave is available to him now?

What your ILs do or don't do for you is absolutely none of their business and has no bearing on how they should be looking after their own child. I think I'd be tearing my brother a new one if this was him, I am enraged on your behalf

So your brother expects you to take the Pisa out of your works generosity and WFH?… but not so that you can be around for your disabled DC but instead so you can ‘tag team’ childcare for HIS baby… but as you’ve already learnt this will consist of him locking himself away in another room with no regard for your commitments!…
He also expects you to ask your ex in laws to pick up your DC more frequently, not just in situations where you can’t make it, but instead all the time so you can look after HIS child?!
I think what he did the other day to you was completely out of order… making you miss picking your own DC up because he was too selfish to watch the time!
I would have to point out that while you may have help now with childcare, when your DC was a baby you actually took time off to raise them! I’d also tell him that yea you are lucky to have in laws help, however that help is only when you’re in a tight spot and you’d never ask them to ‘help’ on a regular basis, and they’d likely withdraw all help if you took the piss!
I’d message him and say that you are a
single mum and simply can’t destroy the good will of your boss and ex in laws, your brother and his partner are nuts

you're being far too reasonable, they are taking the piss. and of course they don't think the child is too young for childcare, otherwise they wouldn't keep trying to get you to do it for free.

They are taking the piss, but you are nuts to do anything at all.

You have quite enough on, and your first duty is to yourself and your child - you cannot fall over.

You don't owe it to him. You WFH three days a week which means you're working and therefore not available for child care. The fact that you had help from your parents is to do with your circumstances and what you had arranged with them and what they offered. You don't owe him because your parents helped you out. That was their choice.

If he’s not talking to you- doesn’t that show you how much he values you? He only sees you as a unpaid nanny to do as he and his wife wishes. I would back away. Let him and his partner figure out their things just like millions of people around the world do.

OP is learning that her brother and his wife are entitled dicks.

At the end of the day-their child, their problem to sort out. One of them should have taken the maternity/paternity package on offer rather than grabbing at the money of going back to work quickly when their baby needs a primary care giver to bond with, without thinking properly through the consequences of that.
Their child has 2 parents, yours has 1.

Similarly 2 incomes, you have one; and you need to keep that job as your employers are good to you.

Your parents are offering the same for him as they did you

You can offer what he used to give you-2/3x a year

Their child has another set of GPs-his in laws so they can ask them