To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Absolutely no way.

Or "no thanks I don't think that will work".
No.
No thanks.
Etc etc.

Just no way.

Your brother is one of the worst CFs I've heard of. He'd like the single mother of a disabled child to risk her job by minding his baby when she's supposed to be working? It's insane. I'd stop helping out on my day off too.

This is bloody bonkers!

No no no. You absolutely must not feel guilty that they have failed to plan or even think about childcare for THEIR baby. Their baby is not your responsibility and if I was in your shoes I wouldn't even offer to do pick/ups as I suspect they would abuse this kind offer. Your situation with you ex-PIL is none of their business either.

If you find it hard to say no then start with baby steps and say you are busy the next few times they ask you over so that you are not put in the situation where you are forced to help. It is madness that you brother think he can wfh and look after a newborn. No wonder his work are pissed off with him.

They need to sort out childcare. Do not get involved and do not let them guilt trip you into helping when they got themselves into this mess.

It's fairly normal for Grandparents to offer some help with a Grandchild. It's not usual at all to expect your sister who works for an employer to look after your child while they are supposed to be working. It's not normal to allow your sister to miss picking up her own child from school to have yours without her agreement.

You have a full plate of responsibilities with work and your child. I wouldn't offer regular help on your day off either. Your brother and his partner have evenings and weekends where one of them can have the baby and one can go shopping/batch cook/clean the house/get the washing done. If you can't make use of your day off yourself the result of that will impact your child and your own wellbeing.

Your brother needs to either get childcare or change his job so he works evenings and weekends (as your SIL is the higher earner) and is a focused dad in the day. At the moment your brother will be neglecting his child and his work. It's not always possible to finish a cup of tea while caring for a baby let alone a work project or meeting. If your brother raises this baby by fobbing it off so he can work the child will likely have developmental issues. Schools are saying that children are more delayed following covid and I think that's proof enough that working from home without childcare and not taking your child out to see the world/socialise is likely to lead to problems.

There taking the piss
but I know you would like to help them as you know grateful you are for help

if you really feel you can’t say no then offer a few hours and stick to it but I do mean a few hours as in 2 or 3 when it suits you

personally I’d fuck them off the situation isn’t sustainable

This. Have they not made any plans at all?! Crazy.

tell then his plan doesn't work for you.

i wouldnt be offering any pick up or drop offs either until they have a better plan.

They are a disgrace to ask you but also I feel for the baby, your brother clearly cannot work and look after the baby properly.

You don't owe anyone child care, free or otherwise, family or not. I'd stop going round there so that you can't be drawn in.

Start prioritising your child. And yourself.

No regular childcare. You have enough on.

What are you thinking to look after your brothers baby and leave your child at school.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN.

You DO know that this is absolutely taking the fucking piss, right??

I have more help and owe it to them to help

You DO know that however much help you had it doesn't mean you owe you brother shit, right?!

If you really think your brother would leave his daughter screaming and screaming or that "no one would be there", then I would be calling social services on them.

Take your martyr's hat off, and realise that you enabling him to act like this is not helping them to be working parents. And that things wont fall apart by you not being there on your day off.

Not a chance.

Yanbu. You have more than enough to do with your own DC.

Have they ever helped with him regularly?

They are completely outrageous. They need to sort out their own childcare. You shouldn't be offering to do it every week anyway even if it's just picking up at the end of the day. No way. They need to get something sorted for themselves and pay for it like everyone else has two.

Has to!

So two parents who are together are asking you, a single parent to take on extra with their child? They're being fucking ridiculous. Their joint child, their joint responsibility. How would either of them manage parenting alone in your situation if they can't even manage between them? Cheeky fuckers! They're in dire need of a huge wake up call.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work

Another man who has a big important job (even if he's the lower earner) and thinks that childcare is women's work. So you can WF (his) H and look after the baby but he can't.

OP it's really simple. Next time he invites you over on your day off you're busy, aren't you? Too busy to go over. And if he suggests you working at their house tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

I'm stunned at his nerve, but having read threads on here about some useless males I really shouldn't be.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN

And don't even begin to think about falling for that one. His 'tag' would last about two minutes and then you'd be on your own.

DBro is being a CF of the highest order. It's for him to and SIL to sort, not you.

Don’t feel because you had help from other people you owe your brother anything, he sounds awful!!! His baby isn’t your problem.

Oh come on! No one would agree to this. I don’t mean to be rude, but get a backbone and say no. Say ‘No that would be impossible for me, I’ve got far too much on’. I would also stop going round on your days off with immediate effect. The mother has gone back to work with no childcare to speak of and the baby is 12 weeks old.

Yes this is a good opportunity for you to handle your life in a mature and quietly assertive way. Say no, and mean it. Otherwise it’s all your own doing.

There are many times in life when we have to stick up for ourselves for good reasons. Don’t crumble at these times.

I cant believe you're even asking OP, the whole thing is bizarre. It's odd that she would go back to work so quickly (unless she had been self employed or a contractor and not entitled to maternity pay in the first place). But this was their choice. Presumably it wasnt your choice to be a single mother to a disabled child. You needed help. There are two of them and statutory help likely available. Either way though if they think they're entitled to help because other people gave you help like your parents...they need to approach your parents or someone else. Not you, as what have they done for you? Fuck all by the sounds of it. That's not how favours work (someone helped you so now you need to help me). Would your brother help if you just dumped your son on him with no warning?

You really need to stop being so passive and actually put your son first. It's not in your sons best interest to miss picking him up because you're watching your niece. It's not in your sons best interests because your job is in jeopardy as you're too busy helping your brother. Although I'd always help family in an emergency he is basically asking you to work for him for free.

Just say no. Dont explain or excuse as he will try and find a way round it (unless you say you've been threatened with the sack from work for not being at home or something). If he references the help you had just have a stock phrase like 'yes babies are hard work aren't they, well I hope you manage to find something'. Yoh cant get drawn into his weird logic as you will never win with someone so strangely entitled

And stop going round. Refuse to take his child 'for a minute' as he will just dump her on you. Visit at the weekends instead. The bare faced cheek of him

There's something disgusting manipulative about the way your brother has listed all the reasons you 'owe' him childcare because you got help from in laws when you were on your own.

So they are using you as an unpaid childminder. They are taking the piss.