To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

@Brieandme SIL is the higher earner from what DBro has said.

This is bonkers. It is not possible to have two parents work full time with a 12 week old baby and no childcare. Did they have no idea whatsoever what having a small baby is like? How did they think this was going to work?

How can this be their intended plan for long term childcare for a small baby? It’s so unreasonable, let alone attempting to emotionally blackmail you because you had help from your PiL not even your own parents.

they need to plan their childcare properly, either take parental leave or open their wallets. It is not your responsibility to provide long term care for their baby.

a 4 week old baby should have a primary carer not passed around to whoever is free like a parcel

Shared parental leave is a right in the UK and DB could have made use of that and been officially off work. Shame on him.

Absolutely no, do not get involved with or entertain this in any way. 2 parents working full time with no childcare and a 12 week old is ridiculous. They need to do something drastically different in their own lives to solve this, you are not the answer, if you fall out with DB, so be it.

Do you hear me OP?

Stop feeling guilty. You are people pleasing (being a doormat) and he is taking advantage and being manipulative.

Say no.

Say to him to stop using your ILs help against you.

Remind him your DN has TWO full time parents and your dc has ONE.

Tell him you have never tried to make him feel guilty about not doing loads to help with your dc and he should not be doing that to you now.

Also tell him he's being really insensitive about how difficult it has been to raise a disabled child single handedly and he sits there in his position of privilege with 2 parents and an fully healthy child (sorry is there a better way to put this?).

You would NEVER have expected him to step in as childcare 3 days a week with your dc. You would nit hVe been so selfish or demanding of his time.

In future if he invites you round on your day off Say OK but I'm not looking after DN whilst you work. I am happy to see you but I'm not a free babysitter .

If he does it again. Leave as others suggest.

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that it was OPs situation to sort.
More that if say, it was a women was at home trying and failing to work FT with a 12 wk old and demanding childcare help while their husband was FT in an office, I'm sure more people would be questioning why the husband wasn't supporting the wife & whether there were financial abuse issues rather than focusing on the wife being a cheeky fucker.

Understand about SIL going back to work if she's the higher earner, but that means Dbro needs to take the time off to care for the child (sorry I'm not clued up about how SMP can be split between parents)

No good deed goes unpunished

even if you did do the moment you can’t do it for whatever reason you will be the horrible nasty person who won’t help them - no matter how much help you have given them previously

They had what 9 months to figure this out
how they were going to afford childcare and how it was going to work.
if they are that stupid not to have done the sums on if they can afford to have a kid then they shouldn’t have had one.

Just don’t do it they won’t thank you for it

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help

their rational is bonkers. firstly you know from your current experience that there would no tag teaming as he’d just lock himself away as he does now. He doesn’t even come out knowing you can’t pick your child up, so he’s not going to let you get any meaningful work done.

secondly your parents stepped in to help when your relationship broke down (and it was for a relatively short period of time) that is in no way a comparable situation to theirs.
your ex-ILs stay involved because they’re your child’s grandparents not so much because they’re doing you a favour.

and again is irrelevant to your DBs situation. This isn’t a pay forward situation that you owe to the universe to become their unofficial au pair.

whatever the reasons SIL chose to go back to work so early are theirs to deal with, not for you to step in and fill the gap.

just say no and stop visiting in the week and not being able to pick your own child up.

She the higher earner and self employed?

Has he done much childcare for you in the past?

I'm guessing...no.

Don't get hung up on the cousins thing. There's a huge age gap and they won't even necessarily get on.

Then they can pay for childcare can't they?

What are they offering in return for your expected generosity? If, as I suspect, the answer is nothing thay helps you in any way then the only answer is no, yanbu to not look after your dn for them

Sorry I've just realised you said WFH. You won't get any work done if you are joint caring for a baby. What will you do if you lose your job over this? My work has a policy that you need to have childcare whilst you WFH. If I were your boss I'd be telling you you can't do this. You don't even have to argue with your brother. Just tell him you can't do this.

I wouldn't even go down offering to pick up because you'll be picking up and looking after her while trying to look after your own child and you can bet they will be late and difficult all the time.

Dear God, what am I reading?! Hell, no, you don't do their childcare for nothing to the point it stops you picking up your own dc! Madness.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks

The help you get from ex-iLs is neither here nor there. It doesn't affect your Bro at all that they help you. It's not like they aren't helping him because they help you, right? And just because they help you, that certainly doesn't mean your owe your Bro because of it. That would be ridiculous!

And if your parents 'rearranged' their work to help you out, let your bro ask them for the same favor. You owe your bro nothing because they helped you out. If they want to do 'equal treatment' then they can help him.

Don't be a mug and let him make you feel guilty for things that have/had no effect on him or on DN

Just say no.

it is your brother and SIL responsibility tk care for their child. Or arrange suitable care.

you work and have your own children so you cannot do this.

I’m appalled he’s even asked.

Omg what users these people are! Say no. Point blank no to all of it. no pick up from nursery - nothing. You have enough on your plate.

They are absolutely horrible to think YOU should be wfh while minding a newborn while SIL and BIL go off and do their own thing. And missing picking up your own child. The mind boggles. They are certainly well met.

Tell them straight that any arrangement you had with your ex in laws has nothing to do with them. You've split from your ex - does that mean in the spirit of fairness they should split up too? I'm very angry on your behalf.

The parents of DN need to step up and stop being CFs.

You have managed to keep a job with added extra challenges. Stop. You need to not take on any more. Your priority has to be keeping you in fighting fit form to keep on top of your own responsibilities.

The absolute neck of them.

you shouldn’t feel guilty for prioritising your child and job.

they have options they just don’t want to take them and you know that it would be you who carries it at the detriment to your child and job.

say no

"I’m appalled he’s even asked."

Yes this sums up my thoughts. I am gobsmacked that your brother would risk your child and your work security to suit his own aims.

They are taking advantage of you Op.

You must put your family unit first - that's prioritising your child and your work.

This is the most ridiculous proposal.

1000% no. You have no idea when your situation might change as grandparents age etc. Do not get entwined in someone else's childcare. Your brother and SIL have not thought through their childcare and are now looking to use you. Madness.

This.

Why the almighty f*ck are you even considering this? Let alone doing it now?

Tell them to grow up and look after their own child like every other parent. I imagine they haven't been there to look after yours at crunch time with work, appointments, difficulties...

FFS i've seen it all now.