To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Parenting a child with disabilities is hugely challenging - you need informal support because you can’t easily use formal childcare. You’re juggling a lot and their request is absolutely outrageous. I’d stop going over there and explain why - they made the decision for SIL to go back to work before their infant was ready, they need to find a solution that doesn’t involve taking the piss.

I'm sorry you have a disabled child and need your care days and employera goodwill due to your childs health and needing hospital appointments. And your bro is trying to guilt trip you into helping out with his baby? He's being very unreasonable, not you.

I appreciate you got lots of support when your child was you get, but he can take it up with your parents.

Nope and nope again. Can’t believe your Sil went back to work after so little time with her baby - what employment would expect or even allow that - did they bond at all?

Your brother is a cheeky fucker of the absolute highest order. Tell him to get to fuck.

I must admit I'm struggling to understand why you didn't just put DN back in her cot, knock on his office door and say 'im off! Baby's in cot!' and walk out the door...

Please don’t agree to this. They are unreasonable and trying to guilt you in to agreeing.

Your DB & SIL are taking the piss.
Don't go over during the day to be conned into providing free daycare to the detriment of your own child.

As for you having help - its irrelevant, there arr two of them to juggle their childcare & they need to do it better.

Don't offer anything - it sounds like these two will push the boundaries & take advantage all the way never thinking of you & your child.

@ZombieKettle Because as much as I feel put upon it's not DNs fault and I absolutely hate the thought of a tiny baby screaming and screaming for attention and no-one being there.

It is absolutely bonkers that two parents of a 12 week old should both expect to be able to work full time. No wonder his bosses are unhappy with him!

I have known people go back to work that early, but only when in very well paid self employed jobs and paying bespoke childcare (think - barrister, with a nanny)
Statutory mat pay exists for a reason. Sure it's tight, but they have to cut their cloth, not assume that they can retain the same income while having a very young child.

I notice that the help you had when you split or struggled wasn't from him !

Their kid, their responsibility. Perhaps they should have thought about expensive childcare before having a baby. Their sense of entitlement is staggering.

My bil & sil are like this, refuse to pay for childcare & just roped in whoever would have them. When they got older, they arranged play dates so other parents would be left with them & then turn up whinging if they hadn't been fed dinner.

Don't promise any regular help, they'll take advantage & soon you'll be doing all the pick ups & drop offs

You know he's taking awful advantage of you, don't you? Please prioritise your own child/work/free time/headspace over your selfish brother!

But there isn’t ‘nobody there’ the baby’s dad is there

they need to pay for childcare like the rest of us do

I agree about them needing to either pay for child care or take leave.

And if I didn't have Ex-ILs help it's exactly what I'd do, take leave or cut my hours or do what I had to do to be there for DC.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks but there was someone there, her father. Who would have had to get out of his office and deal with his own child.

How do you think your own dc feel being left longer at school? Absolutely stop going around and putting yourself in that position. They chose to have a child, they are her parents, they cannot emotionally blackmail you into endangering your job. They need to step up to the plate and parent their own child.

other people helped you, that is great, but that was their choice. It’s up to your bro to ask
other people for help if he feels he needs it and not badger you, a single mum with more than enough on her plate. He is taking the mick big time. It’s their baby and their choice, you don’t owe them a child minder ?!

Saying no will help them to adjust to the reality of having a child sooner rather than later. They are obviously still clueless at this stage.

Why an earth are you putting your Dan ahead of your own child? This is so bonkers it sounds made up. This isn't remotely normal or reasonable.

Why the hell did they have a child? Do they actually want the poor thing? I am a big supporter of mums working (I do and did from 12 months) but going back at 4 weeks pp is absolutely awful. The poor baby...

Are they in the UK? Maternity/Paternity leave is fairly generous - surely one of them could have stayed off work longer than 4 weeks? Even the stat minimum is 90% pay for 6 weeks. Then around £700pcm for the next 6 months.

Stop doing it op.

You have to say no. Use a made up reason if you don't want to be upfront. Anything work related like my manager has asked me to do x so I'm sorry I can't help.

You are a single parent with a disabled dc and holding down a job - hats off to you op, you must be exhausted. They are totally taking the p expecting any child care. On your day off you should be resting and looking after yourself

I'm also puzzled by this. It's not as if OP has left the baby in the street and walked off. She was in the house with her FATHER!!
OP you really need to get tough with this situation. If your DB "invites you over" just politely decline and tell him you are busy.......permanently!!

There's a lot of flak directed at Dbro, but is the mum expecting him to be able to keep his income because he's WFH? No one would seriously expect to do any proper work with a 12wk old at home. I wonder why, if S was so keen to get back to work, there wasn't a conversation about him being a SAHD?

Either he has been hopelessly naive about what caring for a baby involves, or he's feeling pressured about trying to stay in work while also being left with the baby.

Don't go over there on a work day again!
The relationship between your child and his paternal grandparents has less than zero to do with them.
And your parents helping out when you split from his dad is in no way the same as them deciding to have a baby and then expecting care from family.
Them choosing to not send the baby to paid childcare is NOT the same as family stepping up in a crisis.
And besides that....your parents decided to do that for you.
They can decide what they want to do for him.
He doesn't get to decide that you- a working single mother to a disabled child- will be his free childcare.

That poor baby.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Yes UK.

I don't have any idea how much SMP is or how much childcare for babies costs because I was a SAHM until my DC was 12 months, then Ex-ILs had them 3 days a week until I split with ExP when they were almost 2 so I don't have any idea if they're likely to be struggling and thats the reason SIL went back so soon, I do know SIL is the higher earner though as Dbro has said this several times.

Either way that's their problem as a couple to solve not foisting a newborn onto op 3 days a week because they can't be bothered to arrange childcare.