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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

341 replies

Ayla6 · 15/05/2023 17:25

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

OP posts:
Ktime · 15/05/2023 17:28

YANBU. She is entitled to change her mind but sounds like she wants to piss on your chips.

I'd be open to mending bridges if she contacts you but in the mean time just concentrate on your wedding.

Do you have someone else you can ask?

Saucemonkey · 15/05/2023 17:29

It’s just a case of her not wanting to leave her kids, and blaming you rather than simply saying that. I would just leave it be now. It’s very sad you’ve lost a friendship, but all she had to say was I’m sorry I can’t leave the kids - end of. She knows that is what she should’ve said and is firing all this nasty off at you to ease her own conscience. Leave it, pick another bridesmaid and look forward to your big day.

CwmYoy · 15/05/2023 17:30

YABU. Weddings abroad are very selfish. Far too much expense for the guests.

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2023 17:30

She probably really wanted to be part of the day and support you.

However, the wish has collided with reality. A destination wedding in term time is logistically really complicated.

She probably wanted to make it work but just can't

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 15/05/2023 17:32

Op isn't being unreasonable to be miffed.
The moh knew she had 3 dc when she said yes...

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2023 17:33

The practical and emotional impact of leaving the children was probably just too much.

Plus her husband would have to take annual leave to look after the children.

If the children are at school, then they can't just take them out of school

tappitytaptap · 15/05/2023 17:33

Maybe against the grain but I find it really odd when people (who clearly have family support before someone jumps down my throat) won't leave their children. Do they not have any life of their own?! Especially as she's a stay at home mum. Of course YANBU OP.

Lovingitallnow · 15/05/2023 17:33

To be fair I'm sure she said yes in good faith and now it's just not possible. I'd imagine you're both pissed off at each other now, and time hopefully will heal it.

Username917778 · 15/05/2023 17:34

Yabvu not talking to her. How immature. She probably really wanted to come and support you but she is now realising the impact of that.

luckylavender · 15/05/2023 17:34

Maybe she can't afford it either

Lovingitallnow · 15/05/2023 17:35

Realistically organising childcare for three kids for a few days is no mean feat, especially if you're a sahp and have no organised childcare already set up. He can't take time off so you're relying on either his parents or friends.

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2023 17:36

She's probably upset that she can't make it work, because it's a destination wedding, whereas she would be able to come if it were in the UK.

Maybe she's upset that you have chosen a destination wedding over ensuring that everyone important can make it.

You both have different priorities and the wedding crystallised those differences.

Neither position is wrong, just different

Wakeywake · 15/05/2023 17:36

Yabu. Your wedding is more than a year away, she's declined in plenty of time. What difference does it make to you if she declined from the beginning as opposed to a year in advance? If you have your wedding abroad you've got to accept that some people won't make it.

IhearyouClemFandango · 15/05/2023 17:37

Tbh I think it is far enough away that while disappointing for you, shouldn't have an impact on the wedding. That you're hurt, I understand. Equally, I can understand getting carried away in saying yes and then not wanting to leave 3 kids.

She may have agreed, but yes, having an overseas wedding is an ask for a lot of people.

If she's a good friend and you want to keep her friendship I'd tell her that while you're disappointed, you understand (until you have children you can't understand what it is like to leave children, that's just a factual statement) and you'd like to move past it now.

Quitelikeit · 15/05/2023 17:37

When you say money definitely not an issue how sure are you?

Do you really think people want to spend a few grand coming to see people get married?

They absolutely don’t I can’t tell you for a fact because with all due respect most people don’t want to spend their annual holiday allowance on people’s weddings! However through obligation and guilt they often do it anyway!

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2023 17:37

And she's given you more than a years notice.

She didn't knee Jeremy say no.

She's obviously thought about it and realised that it simply wouldn't work

IhearyouClemFandango · 15/05/2023 17:37

So I guess yes, YABU

Quitelikeit · 15/05/2023 17:38

And also she doesn’t want to come so you shouldn’t involve the mothers either

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2023 17:38

Knee jerk not knee Jeremy!

PinkFootstool · 15/05/2023 17:39

YABU, but think it through logically.

Single income household. How much are you asking her to spend to come to your wedding? Your expectations of how much that will cost might not be her reality. You might think she's loaded, but is she really well off?

Flights, hotel, food, transfers, clothes, travel insurance, childcare (cost may be her husband taking annual leave rather than nursery fees) etc.

Loss of husband's A/L will affect their time off later in the year.

Lack of childcare is a reality for huge numbers of people. You can't dictate what she does with her kids. If she can't leave them with trusted people, she csnt leave them. That's not for you to decide on what's reasonable.

It's a shame she can't make it work, but it sounds luke she's tried and failed. Don't give her shit for it - you picked a foreign location for your wedding and that has consequences for other people.

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 17:39

TBH it was a bit optimistic for you to expect a SAHM of three children to be MOH at a wedding abroad.

She should have declined when you asked her, and I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset that she can't come, but YABU for having a wedding abroad - sorry.

I agree that she probably said yes as she was flattered to be asked and thought it may work, but having thought it over she realised it just wouldn't work.

I think you need to do a bit of bridge building.

StopFeckingFaffing · 15/05/2023 17:40

YABU

She has given you over a year's notice that she can't make the wedding (for very valid reasons), it's not like she has let you down last minute

I imagine that when she agreed to be MoH she didn't know the date or location of the wedding do was agreeing to the idea in principle without knowing the details

It would be a shame to lose a lifelong friend so I would suggest an olive branch

If you get married abroad then you need to accept that it makes it a lot harder for guests to attend, especially people with school age children or those who work in schools if you opt for a term time date

ittakes2 · 15/05/2023 17:41

YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED IN OVER A YEAR AWAY - goodness get a grip - plenty of time to find another MoH. I thought you were talking about an overseas wedding in the next few weeks. Yes you are being unreasonable.

Sapphire387 · 15/05/2023 17:41

She's given you over a year's notice. YABU. Everyone else's life does not revolve around your wedding - if she's subsequently realised it won't work for her and her family, I'm afraid that's it. If you're booking a wedding abroad, this sort of thing is more likely to happen.

AllegraWalterJones · 15/05/2023 17:41

OP you'll get a pile-on but the key part here is not her absence... but that she isn't even apologetic about it?
If so, YANBU.

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