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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

341 replies

Ayla6 · 15/05/2023 17:25

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

OP posts:
AllegraWalterJones · 15/05/2023 17:42

Saucemonkey · 15/05/2023 17:29

It’s just a case of her not wanting to leave her kids, and blaming you rather than simply saying that. I would just leave it be now. It’s very sad you’ve lost a friendship, but all she had to say was I’m sorry I can’t leave the kids - end of. She knows that is what she should’ve said and is firing all this nasty off at you to ease her own conscience. Leave it, pick another bridesmaid and look forward to your big day.

Yeah this exactly.

UsingChangeofName · 15/05/2023 17:42

YABU.

How childish to 'not be talking' to someone you purport to have been best friends with for 20 odd years, because she has realised the reality / practicalities of being MoH abroad when she has 3dc.
You had to have been aware it was an unrealistic ask in the first place and this was always going to be a possibility.

You've made a choice about your wedding, which suits you and presumably your dp, but is never going to make life easy for anyone else. That choice is fine, but be realistic and accept it is your choice, and not anyone else you are inviting.
Be gracious and then you might still have friends after you are married.
Or, be petulant and don't have friends after you are married.

Potatomashed · 15/05/2023 17:42

Maybe I’m in the minority but I think she is perfectly reasonable. If it was important to you that she came then don’t plan a term time destination wedding… You could have considered that her needs might be different to others and if you love her enough for her to be your MOH I’m surprised you didn’t consider that

Notonthestairs · 15/05/2023 17:42

I think you might be unreasonable I'm afraid.

Did she know you were getting married abroad when she agreed? Or did the destination part come later?

Childcare for 3 is complicated (admittedly more so if they don't like leaving their kids with many other people) and destination weddings do increase costs. It doesn't matter that you think she can afford it - maybe she'd prefer to put that money elsewhere. Nobody should be forced to spend money they don't want to.

I also think she's given you plenty of notice to decide if you'd like to choose another friend to MoH.

You are obviously close friends. I can understand you feel sad about it. But if you can have a civil conversation and talk it through you've got a lifetime ahead of benefitting from having a nice friend. Don't lose that.

MomFromSE · 15/05/2023 17:43

I think it depends. If she told you she can't make it work and said sorry she can't be MoH anymore having thought about the logistics more and you reacted badly (guilt tripping her etc) then you are being very unreasonable.

You should have just accepted she couldn't make it even if you are disappointed. She's not cancelled at the last minute and if you hold a destination wedding you can't realistically be upset if people for whatever reason aren't able to attend.

If she came right off saying nasty things to you about your choices then that's different but I somehow doubt that's the case.

StripedBlue · 15/05/2023 17:43

You are allowed to be disappointed but from her point of view, it just doesn’t work. Take a deep breath and move on.

You are showing some early signs and symptoms of being a bridezilla. You have plenty of time to recover by the wedding if you work on it.

35965a · 15/05/2023 17:44

She’s given you plenty of notice. I’m sure when she accepted being MOH she intended to try and make it work, unfortunately it won’t. That’s life.

Jonnycakes · 15/05/2023 17:45

I was in a similar position, was asked to be a bridesmaid, knew the wedding was in the US. Said yes through sheer excitement and thinking I could sort all the logistics. When it came down to it, it just wasn’t possible. Coincided with DS starting school, realising I’d be giving up my family holiday to go etc. Had to gently break it to my friend who completely understood. Her other bridesmaid had to do the same. It didn’t affect our friendship. I think when having a destination wedding you have to be realistic and understand that when sorting out the logistics of leaving 3 children behind it just isn’t straight forward. Ask yourself if it had been in this country would she have come? If the answer is yes then it’s the destination of your wedding that’s the issue, not your friend.

standardduck · 15/05/2023 17:46

YANBU to be upset she won't be able to make it, but YABU to ruin your friendship over it.

It sounds like she wanted to be there, but her circumstances changed. One year is also a plenty of notice.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2023 17:47

Why should she applogise for saying you have no clue because you don't have small children? It's the truth, you have no idea how complicated things like this can be for parents.

Wishawisha · 15/05/2023 17:47

tappitytaptap · 15/05/2023 17:33

Maybe against the grain but I find it really odd when people (who clearly have family support before someone jumps down my throat) won't leave their children. Do they not have any life of their own?! Especially as she's a stay at home mum. Of course YANBU OP.

But how do we know how much family support she has?

It sounds like she was all for leaving them under the sole care of her DH but now he can’t take the leave. So that’s 3 children for 3 solid days she needs to find care for and ferrying to and from school for the ones that are school age.

We know there is a Mum in the picture but she may be going to the OP’s wedding or simply unable or unwilling to. That’s all we know.

If one of my friends was getting married abroad I’d have my DH to look after the DC and that would be it. So if he can’t do it, I can’t go. It’s not that I can never leave the DC - I can use babysitters and friends like normal people - but I don’t have anyone to come and live in my house for 3 days to look after them full time, that’s something quite different and something that many, many people don’t have.

Ktime · 15/05/2023 17:48

I think people are missing the point that OP has said she would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

What's upset OP is the way her friend spoke to her ("led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand")

Why apportion fault to OP? It's just one of those things but the friend is acting like a cow.

HappyintheHills · 15/05/2023 17:48

YABU to not talk to her
YANBU to be pissed off
But looking from her point of view she's given you a year's notice and she probably really wanted to but now has realised that she can't bring her to leave her DC

Ktime · 15/05/2023 17:49

Wishawisha · 15/05/2023 17:47

But how do we know how much family support she has?

It sounds like she was all for leaving them under the sole care of her DH but now he can’t take the leave. So that’s 3 children for 3 solid days she needs to find care for and ferrying to and from school for the ones that are school age.

We know there is a Mum in the picture but she may be going to the OP’s wedding or simply unable or unwilling to. That’s all we know.

If one of my friends was getting married abroad I’d have my DH to look after the DC and that would be it. So if he can’t do it, I can’t go. It’s not that I can never leave the DC - I can use babysitters and friends like normal people - but I don’t have anyone to come and live in my house for 3 days to look after them full time, that’s something quite different and something that many, many people don’t have.

Show quote history

It sounds like she was all for leaving them under the sole care of her DH but now he can’t take the leave.

Or more likely he is refusing to take the leave, and the friend is taking out her anger on OP.

ZenNudist · 15/05/2023 17:49

YABU. There's no need to fall out. It makes sense she can't come. Being nasty about you getting married abroad is not on. Id probably just leave her be for now.

BirbFriend · 15/05/2023 17:49

PinkFootstool · 15/05/2023 17:39

YABU, but think it through logically.

Single income household. How much are you asking her to spend to come to your wedding? Your expectations of how much that will cost might not be her reality. You might think she's loaded, but is she really well off?

Flights, hotel, food, transfers, clothes, travel insurance, childcare (cost may be her husband taking annual leave rather than nursery fees) etc.

Loss of husband's A/L will affect their time off later in the year.

Lack of childcare is a reality for huge numbers of people. You can't dictate what she does with her kids. If she can't leave them with trusted people, she csnt leave them. That's not for you to decide on what's reasonable.

It's a shame she can't make it work, but it sounds luke she's tried and failed. Don't give her shit for it - you picked a foreign location for your wedding and that has consequences for other people.

I agree with this tbh.

What do you mean money is no issue? Is she extremely wealthy? Where is the wedding?

How do you know her DH could definitely get leave from work?

At the end of the day I think it was a bit too optimistic to expect her to be able to go away in term time leaving 3 kids at home, when her DH works full time. If you get married abroad it is definitely going to be a huge inconvenience to a lot of guests.

We've been to a couple of weddings abroad and they've been so expensive, flights, hotel, hire cars, transfers, etc. not to mention needing to take annual leave.

AllegraWalterJones · 15/05/2023 17:49

Jonnycakes · 15/05/2023 17:45

I was in a similar position, was asked to be a bridesmaid, knew the wedding was in the US. Said yes through sheer excitement and thinking I could sort all the logistics. When it came down to it, it just wasn’t possible. Coincided with DS starting school, realising I’d be giving up my family holiday to go etc. Had to gently break it to my friend who completely understood. Her other bridesmaid had to do the same. It didn’t affect our friendship. I think when having a destination wedding you have to be realistic and understand that when sorting out the logistics of leaving 3 children behind it just isn’t straight forward. Ask yourself if it had been in this country would she have come? If the answer is yes then it’s the destination of your wedding that’s the issue, not your friend.

Well I think 'gently breaking' is the keyword here.
Of course, we don't know if the OP's friend was similarly gentle. She may have been, and snapped upon being pushed.
But in the absence of that I don't the OP is wrong if her friend wasn't even remotely apologetic.

MomFromSE · 15/05/2023 17:50

Also, everyone is particular about who looks after their kids!

You can't take kids out of school during term time either so her saying you don't understand if you've been floating these as options is correct.

Wishawisha · 15/05/2023 17:50

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of her not to go at all. Her DH was going to take the leave and he’s not able to do it’s pretty impossible.

It does sound like she didn’t handle it at all well though and tried to spin it as your fault rather than something that logistically she was hoping would work and just won’t.

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2023 17:50

Also, she's had time to investigate cost of flights etc.

Single income household generally don't have an enormous amount of spare cash.

She might not be able to afford it either and is embarrassed to admit it.

-Leaving children for multiple days
-Logistics of childcare when they won't have any because she is a shame

  • cost of flights and accommodation
  • partner having to use up precious annual leave.

It's a very big ask and she's admitted more than a year in advance that she can't make it work

Ktime · 15/05/2023 17:51

AllegraWalterJones · 15/05/2023 17:49

Well I think 'gently breaking' is the keyword here.
Of course, we don't know if the OP's friend was similarly gentle. She may have been, and snapped upon being pushed.
But in the absence of that I don't the OP is wrong if her friend wasn't even remotely apologetic.

Show quote history

Exactly!

LCTikaheu · 15/05/2023 17:51

You are both being unreasonable

  1. she is for saying hurtful things

  2. she is for accepting without caveat of childcare needs sorted

  3. you are for expecting your wedding, abroad, in 2024 to be the priority in her life (and her childcare) with 3 kids

So you need to decide what or who is important to you. If you would like her in your life you could be the bigger person and say you were upset she couldn't make it but understand that logisticaly its hard, invite still stands if she changes her mind etc etc but be clear her words were hurtful

Her response will then lay the path...

FloweryName · 15/05/2023 17:51

YABVU.

I don’t even see why there’s a problem when the wedding is more than a whole year away. You have plenty of time to ask someone else.

Maybe she shouldn’t have agreed to be MOH but it’s understandable that she might have got caught up in the excitement of her best friend getting married and hadn’t really thought through the practicalities, the expense, and the effect it has on four other people in her immediate family. It’s hardly an unforgivable mistake.

You shouldn’t have made a fuss when she explained the situation and you should have accepted her (very valid and reasonable) explanation graciously. It’s also not on you to decide that money isn’t an issue, That is not something you get to make a judgement about. You do sound like you have slid very firmly into bridezilla territory.

mosiacmaker · 15/05/2023 17:51

Her actions of cancelling with plenty of notice are fine but I hear what you’re saying about instead of just apologising she turned it around on you and said it was your fault for doing destination wedding. Obviously that’s not very good communication on her part, but perhaps she was resentful of this aspect from the very beginning and it’s bubbled up in the course of your back and forth and with you being upset. Perhaps from her perspective, you being upset with her rather than just being gracious and saying “thanks so much for trying to make it work, I know it would have been so tricky for you and you will be so missed!” Got her back up?

Some people also don’t like feeling guilty so they are quick to blame and project their feelings (so instead of “oops I can’t come and I’m letting her down” it becomes “I can’t believe she expects me to drop everything for this international wedding!!!”) as the outrage feels better than the guilt!

Either way, it’s really not worth losing a friend over! I would extend an olive branch to her. Say “I’m sorry, you’re right that my choice of location means that some people can’t come, and I should have been more understanding of this for you, you’ve been super considerate and let me know with plenty of notice so thank you for that. I still want to celebrate with you and cherish your friendship so can we please move past this?”

WavingThroughYoWindow · 15/05/2023 17:52

With over a year to go,I find it highly unlikely that she can't definitely say from now she definitely can't do it.

Maybe she isn't comfortable leaving her kids and is having a wobble?How long is the trip and distance?

I wouldn't do anything to upset the friendship.You might find in 6months time she has a bad day and books tickets on the spur of the moment. (I did this...😁). It would be better to have your much loved friend there in any capacity, even if not MoH.

She didn't handle it well, but you could have been a tad more understanding too.