Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

I would go NC and find another MOH

And that advice is for the Godzilla of Bridezillas

😳😳😳

Love this! My friendship group are like this as well. The only friends in my circle I could see not going to a destination wedding of their best friend is anyone who doesn’t genuinely have the money.

OP, YANBU by the sounds of it it’s not just her lack of attendance that’s thrown you it’s her response. Her comment about not having kids was unnecessary for the fact there are many with kids who still do make it for weddings abroad . If she chooses not to that’s fine but she needn’t pin it on all the fact that one of you is a mother and the other isn’t.

I have a friend with 3 kids and a supportive husband and family who takes at least one solo trip each year and she would HATE it if people automatically assumed she couldn’t attend girl trips and destination weddings because she has kids.

There are definitely women with kids who get upset if someone can’t make it to their event even if it’s due to childcare so she’s wrong to make out if you had kids it would be different .

YABU

I personally love a destination wedding, but couples should not get upset or offended with guests if they can’t or they simply choose not to attend. You chose a term time date, there’s nothing wrong with this, but it doesn’t mean that people who have children are going to be inconvenienced.

It’s ok for you to feel disappointed that her situation changed but I get the sense your initial reaction was unreasonable enough to cause her to get defensive.

It sounds like she was very excited and wants to be there with you but she had to prioritise her children. She’s given you lots of notice. Focus on why you asked her to be your MOH in the first place and try to get over your disappointment. It’s not worth losing your friendship over this.

I don't have anyone else I can ask to be MoH - I think I won't have one and will just move ahead with bridesmaids only.

For those asking about cost - she has always said that's not an issue. Without giving too many details, her husband earns a lot (think law firm partner, owns multiple properties, etc) which allows her to be a SAHM. He is not overly involved with the kids, which is probably a factor here, but she has childcare support (mainly family members, including some not coming to the wedding) - but for whatever reason, doesn't have any support during the wedding. There is no expectation from my side for her to spend her money or leave her kids with someone she doesn't want to for the wedding.

I did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning), and that was when things got quite nasty on her side
in what what ways are MOH heavily involved in wedding planning?!?!?!

Simple to fix with a message along the lines of "message from bridezilla - I've thought about what you said, have taken my head out of my arse and understand. Sorry xx"

* "She does not feel she has let me down or done anything wrong.*"

She hasn't let you down or done anything wrong though.

Maybe. But there are plenty of jobs were you can’t necessarily have particular times off no matter how much in advance you let your boss know. For example, teachers normally can’t get term time off and accountants often aren’t allowed time at the end of the tax year. I’ve organized events over a year in advance and wouldn’t have been able to book holiday for about a month around the date. People with professional exams can’t just move the exams because it clashes with a spouse’s friend’s wedding day. Etc.

Also i agree that if she is a SAHM they might not have alternative childcare sorted.

I don't and I know that many of our friends don't get it. DH;s parents are dead. Mine live on another continent. They have literally never ever taken the Dcs for even an evening when we are in the same country because they dont feel comfortable about it- one has SEN and anaphylactic allergies. But it's not just a case of 'get a babysitter' its way more complicated than that.

You admit you do not have children. It CAN be more difficult than 'get the DH to take AL to look after his own kids or get childcare'. It literally is not that easy for some people. I have a coiusin who sniffily says 'Just get childcare' to me when i say i can't do this or that. Well her perspective is different- she has her own mother living in the house next door who does wrapaound for her and her MIL who lives in the next street who takes them at the drop of a hat. It is not like that for everyone.

I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning)

I don't think you should have said this, particularly when you know it's her (arguably) arsehole husband scuppering the arrangement and not her.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her how I felt, but I was upset, and felt that she shouldn't have agreed to be MoH if she knew the wedding would be abroad and during term time.

Why did you ASK her to be MoH at a wedding that was abroad and during term time? You know her circumstances.

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what, so maybe in expecting her to do the same my expectations were unrealistic.

Yeah, sorry. You are totally unreasonable and doubling down on it now. I can see why she said what she said. And I don't have kids either.

How long ago did you ask her?

I suspect that she agreed thinking it would be lovely and that she'd want to be there to see her friend get married etc. So she likely said yes at the tie, believing she would go. However, practicalities and implications are probably now settling in. She's had time to try and figure it all out and is realising it just doesn't work for her. Term time and abroad - that's tricky for many people, let alone ones with school age children when their partner works full time. I suspect as she is SAHM they don't have childcare in place where you can add extra days and it, due to her partner working FT, would mean having childcare before and after school for the time she is away. This isn't something that is easy to organise for ad-hoc occasions - much easier when you have childcare already set up and in place.

She has, at least, given you over a year's notice. You have lots of time to choose someone else. I don't think I'd class over a year's notice as it being sprung on you, or leaving you high and dry, etc.

I suspect she is disappointed and fairly upset when she has realised she just can't make it work.

• Why aren't you speaking to one another?
• Did you question her friendship regarding not being able to go?
• Or question why she isn't coming, rather than accepting that she can't make it work?
• Did you accept that, when having a wedding abroad, that some people - even your closest friends and family - might not be able to come?
• Did she blame you before you questioned her decision?

She has nothing to apologise for in terms of not being able to come. She can't make it (and even if she has just decided she doesn't want to come all that way she doesn't need to apologise) and has told you over a year in advance. Maybe apologising to say that she is sorry that she can't be your maid of honour - but she doesn't need to apologise for letting you down. Its so far away in the future you have ample time to sort things. I assume you'd not paid anything out that would be non refundable that is only in her name, at this point.

You don't have to apologise for having a wedding abroad either. But you do have to accept that your friend, for whatever reason, can't/won't be there.

I did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning), and that was when things got quite nasty on her side. She does not feel she has let me down or done anything wrong

To be honest I don't think she has let you down or done anything wrong.
There's 12 whole months to choose someone else. Telling her she'd let you down was very unfair and likely made her feel defensive and a bit annoyed.
I might be alone here but I can totally see it from her side.

Is it a possibility that she thought surely for something this important, her DH would take a bit of time off work and have the DC? Maybe she was really excited about a bit of child free time then he said no and she felt rubbish and embarrassed that she couldn't come and then directed that towards you - "why is OP having a wedding abroad, it's her fault I can't come..." rather than blame her DH (who she has to live with so easier to blame someone more external!).

If you can and if she's generally a good friend, I'd just extend a bit of kindness,, and assume there's something you're missing. Maybe just text saying you're sorry you were a bit sad she couldn't come as you'll miss her but you don't want to fall out? Is it a massive deal that she has dropped out now (with a year to go) rather than turning down the role to begin with? Can her mum have the DC so she can come?

Yes, this I agree with.
especially since she also made the snide comment about the partner "can't or won't take the time of) - and this is after saying that he couldn't get the time of to actually come to the wedding

definitely a touch of bridezilla

She has nothing to apologise for in terms of not being able to come. She can't make it (and even if she has just decided she doesn't want to come all that way she doesn't need to apologise) and has told you over a year in advance

Generally I agree. But it is common courtesy to apologise for backing out of an arrangement after saying yes. Nothing major, and the ex MOH is not in the wrong per se but a simple sorry I have to back out should have been said.

I have three children and there has never been anyone who has looked after my children while I went away for a few days. I flew abroad to visit my very ill mother and DH held the fort... I occassionally work as a birth doula so DH steps up but that is rarely for more than 24 hours and I have the occassional short weekend away hiking with friends. Once, DH and I had to travel together and we had quite some logistics to find people to look after our children with whom the children were happy to stay. The realities of daily life with three children just doesn't leave too much space for extra complexities and while it might look from the outside that 'money is not a problem'.. I cannot imagine spending what might amount to over £1,000, on a non family holiday / emergency visit. I think I might be sad about it and would possibly react hurt and defensive if my friend didn't understand..

Having said that... I can understand that you are hurt and you are perfectly entitled to and reasonable to feel that way.

One of my best friends didn't come to my wedding and my only bridesmaid played no part in the run up to it, I even had to buy her dress / shoes etc without her and hope they fitted on the day!!

Friends don't always do what we think they should or what we think we would do in their place.

If you choose to have a wedding abroad, this is ultimately what happens. It’s very stressful trying to get kids looked after and as there’s too many variables, I think she’s just called it early rather than stressing about it.

A whole year in advance and he ‘can’t get time off work’ - can’t be arsed to parent his own kids and give his wife something for herself more like.

Depends on his job.
There are plenty of jobs were key dates cannot be booked off.

She is right on every count but I understand that you probably won’t get that as it’s your wedding and the most important thing to you.

The hardest thing I have ever done is leave my kids for a week to travel overseas and help arrange a funeral and they were teenagers. Some people are happy leaving their kids for a few days. Some aren’t. Some people would agree to the wedding because they feel obliged and then when they realise the reality will change their minds.

You choose to have an overseas wedding, you accept the consequences I’m afraid.

I did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning)

Are they really though? I’ve never known any MOH or bridesmaids do anything other than go out for a hen do and attend the wedding. There’s really no need for anyone other than you & your DO to plan the wedding.

DP not DO.

Try seeing this from your friend's side.

She was likely defensive because she anticipated - correctly as it turns out - that you'd be very unhappy she wasn't attending and/or that apologies and responsibility would need to be accepted for 'letting you down'. She doesn't feel she has done so, therefore, consequently, she won't apologise. That's fair enough. She's given you a year's notice, not pulled out at the last minute even though those things do happen. From your perspective 'she knew she had three children when she accepted'; well, by the same token you knew she had three children when you asked her.

Overseas weddings are a big ask. I did marry abroad, but it was tantamount to an elopement and we neither invited nor expected anyone's attendance (or gifts). Your friend might simply have reasoned in the cold light of the day that the logistics don't pan out as she expected. Unfortunately when you make the decision to have an overseas wedding, this is the risk you take, and it's necessary to amend your expectations accordingly.

Personally I wouldn't trash a valued friendship over it; this, of course, is up to you.

YABU Anyone who arranges a destination wedding has to be prepared for people to change their minds about coming due to family circumstance, cost or anything else. It is a huge commitment and I imagine she has thought about this long and hard before telling you she can't make it. It would have been a very difficult decision for her and so you are being unreasonable and should be more understanding.

I did say I felt quite let down

I think that was where this all started to go wrong-there was no need to say anything other than, ‘oh no-I’m so sorry you can’t come, I will miss you so much!’

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what, so maybe in expecting her to do the same my expectations were unrealistic.

That’s meaningless though, as you aren’t in her situation. She has a DH who can’t get time off work and 3 kids who need to be at school. Thats like someone who can't drive criticising someone for not giving a colleague a lift to work in the snow, miles out of their way, saying they'd definitely do it if they could drive. Words are easy to say.

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what, so maybe in expecting her to do the same my expectations were unrealistic.

But the reality is, is that you don't know that to be the case.
Do you have commitments in your life that make planning things more tricky? Do you have dependents who need to be cared for by someone you trust implicitly?
Do you have a partner who possibly can't just book any random date off work, or who isn't able to work flexibly?