Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

‘quite particular’ about who takes care of their kids tells me that she’s absolutely right when she says you couldn’t possibly understand and that’s probably why she’s not apologetic

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me,*

To me, it really depends on how 'quite upset' you were. If you said something along the lines of 'oh no, that's awful, it won't be the same without you' then yanbu.

YABU - and she’s right. Have a wedding abroad and you’ll have a lot of cancellations/those unable to make it unless you have family in the country you’re marrying in.

So, she knew it was term time and overseas but said yes anyway. Now the reality has hit, she has realised she can't go. So she doesn't go, then what? You find another MoH of Chief bridesmaid? Well do that.

Ref your BF, she is still your BF. You both need to take it down a notch. She may have lashed out but might be going through something - did her DH try to take time off or is he the problem? She is OOO btw. But decide if you can live uour life without talking yo her and if you can fine, if not work it out. She isn't coming to your wedding but you could have a private meal when you get home or something.

Ref her DM and yours, of course they'll take sides, but it was all known so what is the issue?

You can't understand some people even if you've known them all your life....

This wedding in 2024 is not a hill to die on.

Make it up with your best friend any way you can. Especially so your Mum and her mum can make up

Then think very carefully about the special roles at this overseas wedding of yours

A lot can change in a year, people's lives can alter and then they can't fulfil the role you've given them

You might be better off having no special roles and just hoping that people can come

People always agree to do "something" but as the logistics of it set in things change.

The fact her other half is refusing to do his part is the issue here.

He's let her down massively and you're receiving her anger that should be directed at him.

Having a wedding abroad and having bridesmaids, with children, something is bound to go wrong.

I don't think your friendship will recover.

If you want people to come to your wedding, don't have it abroad. Duh.

If you have children op you will look back and cringe at your thought process. Don’t throw away a friendship because of this.

My friend had this, her nephew was marrying in Florida, that was a family of 5 so she couldn’t go.

I agree with this and think YABU OP. She gave you a year's notice, its not like she dropped out a week beforehand and you really dont know her financial situation. They are on one income and people arent always going to tell you their true financial situation.

I'm sorry but if you have a destination wedding, you have to accept that many people wont be able to attend. Thats just part and parcel of getting married abroad.

You asked, so yes, I think you are well into bridezilla territory.
You said you would have understood if she told you right from the start that she could not make it. Really? You would have preferred her to just decline rather than trying her best to make it work?
You say you were "quite upset" when she told you. If your reply to her telling you was anything other than along the lines of "thank you for letting me know with so much notice. I can see you have tried your hardest to make it work but totally understand that destination wedding is a logistical nightmare for parents " then YABU. Your description of her turning it round on you implies that you questioned her decision and came up with a workaround (her taking kids out of school) that shows you don't understand what it is like to have school age kids. And when she pointed that out, things escalated to both of you now not talking and involving your mothers 🙄 . Please don't let this fester any more and tarnish your wedding. Time for both of you to apologise to each other for a failed communication AND MOVE ON. Maybe you both can find aspects of your wedding in which she can participate? And you could plan a local party for people who can't travel to the wedding?

You'd seriously cull a lifelong friendship because they couldn't get childcare for a trip?!

Shes being unreasonable, she shouldn't of said yes in the first place then to start getting personal and making nasty digs was unreasonable.

She probably wanted to come, but it's abroad and she has 3 kids. It can't work for her. She's probably angry because she's disappointed she can't do it. Ask someone else.

I thought you were BU until you wrote this: which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

I think she's being unreasonable now. I also think her DH is being unreasonable for backing out of looking after his own kids for a couple of days. But to then turn around and blame it on you when she was on board from the beginning, and it all affecting both yours and your mums' relationships is a bit silly. Sometimes people need to take it on the chin and apologise even if they don't think it's right, because that allows people to move on. Instead, there's a sour taste in your mouths.

At least she's not dropped out last minute?

Why apportion fault to OP? It's just one of those things but the friend is acting like a cow.

Because she has committed a crime on here by daring to want her wedding to be abroad and the MN approved quickie in a registry office and a pub lunch (with only a thimble of sherry of course).

Yes i agree with this. She may have been caught up with the excitement and then reality collides. i have been there. It can sometimes simply be too complicated; too stressful; too unexpectedly expensive. It does not impact just on her but clearly her DH as well.

I'd be generous to be honest.

And destination weddings are really tricky for some. I had my wedding here in the UK. I did not expect anyone to come to it from 'my side'. In the end only my parents did. Fine. It's expensive and hard and certainly if people have to work around AL entitlements too much of a pain in the arse.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to drop out of being MoH a year in advance of a destination wedding.

You say you were upset when the MoH told you she wouldn’t be able to make it. What do you mean by this? what did you say to her? Because it sounds like that’s what prompted her to have a bit of a dig at you about your wedding arrangements.

I agree with her that having a destination wedding is bound to cause difficulties for guests and there was always a high risk that someone with three children would be unable to make it work, especially during term time. That’s common sense, really, but it isn’t necessary to tell the host that when you drop out. No one has to be a guest at a wedding if it doesn’t suit. Turning an invitation (or in this case dropping out of a special role) graciously rather than making a song and dance about it is a social skill we should all try and master. But accepting a “no” graciously is at least as important. Despite your upset, were you gracious and understanding when she told you?

I suspect you’ve both been a bit immature about it. Even when we’re older and generally less drama-lamaish, that happens sometimes over high stress things. I think most likely your friend felt guilty and hurt about it because she wanted to be there for you, so the turning it on you was to try and deflect from that, especially if you added pressure and hurt when she told you. Perhaps, instead of letting this mar your friendship, you can take some comfort from the fact your friend was emotionally invested in your wedding and take steps to try and keep that emotional connection.

A whole year in advance and he ‘can’t get time off work’ - can’t be arsed to parent his own kids and give his wife something for herself more like.

I think he’s the issue here, he’s thought about it and decided he’s not up for actually doing any solo parenting so he’s made it her issue to sort.

Your poor friend possibly thought it would work out but her partner won't or can't do what is needed. It would be a Shane to lose a good friend over this. Can you get in touch or send her a card to build bridges. You are both right really but it's a shame she can't honour her agreement.

You are verging into bridezilla territory.

when you plan a destination wedding, you have to be prepared for people to not be able to attend, even people who initially say yes. Once they actually start figuring out the logistics of making the trip, people often have to drop out. They want to be there for you and get caught up in the excitement so agree, but don’t think about all the practicalities in that moment. As long as they don’t drop out at the very last minute after your numbers are confirmed with the venue, you have no justification to complain.

your friend has given you an abundance of notice. You should have accepted her need to decline graciously.

How did you react when she told you OP? You say you were quite upset - could she have interpreted this as quite angry?

How long ago did she agree to be your MOH? Did she know what country you'd be having the wedding in? You say she knew it wouldn't be UK, but there's a big difference between Calais and Mauritius.

Have you paid out any expense relating to her role yet?

From her perspective, she's told you with plenty of time to find an alternative. She's been honest. She can't get before school and after school childcare for 3 young children.

Or the options available to her aren't suitable and are too much of a compromise to justify the inconvenience to her family and the expense.

Maybe she's worried about the dates clashing with SATs, or sports day or end of year assembly or whatever.

Regardless, she's your BF. Don't fall out over this. She's not caused you any harm, she's likely feeling very upset that she's let you down and you're so hurt. Would you rather she gritted her teeth and attended the wedding against her better judgment?

Make up with her. You'll regret it if you don't.

If her partner wasn't able to get time off work to attend your wedding, how would he get time off work to care for the kids?

I think YABU. Her kids come first and Maid of Honour is just a frippery. Anyone can do it. Weddings abroad as a massive pain in the ass.

A close family member like their own father perhaps?

I don’t believe for a second he can’t get time off, three days a year off and he can’t work out parenting his own kids, quite pathetic tbh.

Thank you for all of the replies - I'm still getting through them, but yes, as mentioned by @Ktime, it's not so much the expectation that she drops everything (including her 3 kids) to come to my wedding, but more that she turned it around and blamed me for not being able to come when she knew what coming to the wedding would entail and still agreed to be my MoH.

When she told me that she couldn't come (and the reasons why) I obviously told her that I understood, that I was really sorry she couldn't be there, but that she had to do what was best for her. I did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning), and that was when things got quite nasty on her side. She does not feel she has let me down or done anything wrong.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her how I felt, but I was upset, and felt that she shouldn't have agreed to be MoH if she knew the wedding would be abroad and during term time. But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what, so maybe in expecting her to do the same my expectations were unrealistic.

I agree with both of these.

she has given you a year to find a replacement.

you said a few days. How far away is your wedding? How many hours in a plane for a few days?

are you paying her costs? How much would it cost her, a SAHM, to attend?

weddings abroad are not cheaper than weddings at home. It is cheaper for the bride and groom as the costs get passed on to the guests.