Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

For what its worth, yes I was upset when my friend decided to go on holiday a month later after telling me they couldn't afford even just her to come.

What if her coming alone (not much fun) to a wedding meant that their family couldn’t afford to go on holiday together?

OP hasn't said she didn't apologise for not being able to go. She said she didn't apologise for all the things she said afterwards, and neither would I if my friend went off at me prioritising my family.

I expect in reality the ex MOH did say ‘I’m sorry but…’ but OP is glossing over that. She wants an apology for what was said afterwards, especially the ‘hurtful’ bit about OP not understanding because she didn’t have children. The problem with that is that the friend is right. OP does have a lack of understanding about the children, and her posts have proved that. So she isn’t owed an apology because what was said was the truth.

I've nothing to add to the back and forward about whether OP is BU, but wanted to chime in on the whole Maid of Honour thing - in certain circles of young women it is a Very Big Deal.

My younger sister was MOH for her best friend (mid 20s) last year and it was like having a second job - the wedding was very expensive and what the kids nowadays would call 'extra', I guess?

Not sure if it's come from influencer/celeb culture or from the US, but there was an engagement party, 2 hen dos (one abroad, private villa, matching outfits etc), numerous get-togethers for 'planning' purposes, brunches etc, all with insta-friendly decorations - the list was endless and my sister was expected to be on hand for all of it.

I hasten to add this wasn't the case when I got married ten years ago and it isn't the way my sister is doing it now she is getting married (she is a massive control freak so is planning everything herself and we're just sorting the hen) - just wanted to point out that for a certain demographic, MOH is expected to be heavily involved in planning.

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what, so maybe in expecting her to do the same my expectations were unrealistic.

Ya think? You have no idea what 'no matter what' might entail so you can't possibly say that.

She's your best friend but your wedding is where you want it (understandably) when you want it (understandably) not where or when she and her family can easily come. What was the point of inviting her DH and DC when you knew that?

If you want people there then you make it possible.
Or accept they won't be without blaming them

If she had said, look if I (or we) come it means we wont have the option of a family holiday no problem. Would have understood.

Yes, the OP doesn't have an understanding of life with children, but the moh does and she agreed to be part of the wedding, knowing it was abroad.
I don't think OP should fall out with her about it though, because I think this is more to do with the husband. I'm not really seeing why he can't look after his own kids overnight for 3 nights, in a year's time and organise a few days wraparound care, so his wife can go to her best friend's wedding! If it can't be done it's likely because he doesn't want to and has put pressure on her to not go. And then she's getting in the neck from the OP too about it. She has let you down but can't explain why without saying no one will help her at home. That's my take on it anyway.

Well, she says she got 'upset' and complains that the friend 'doesn't think that she did anything wrong' - which suggests that she does think that the friend did something wrong in cancelling.

As I said earlier, if the friend was stroppy and belligerent to begin with, then it was rude and unreasonable of her (though refusing to speak to her seems a disproportionate reaction if it's a one-off). If she was polite at first, and then got defensive in response to a guilt trip, then it's more understandable.

And though I think people should probably avoid actually saying 'you don't understand if you don't have children'- as you never know who may be struggling with infertility- it is not really untrue. Having children, especially if one does not have an equally participant partner, does create constraints that are not present in the lives of many childless people, though some may have similar constraints, e.g. through the care of elderly relatives. (I don't have children, by the way; though my own and my relatives' health problems have at times caused significant constraints.)

Or accept they won't be without blaming them

Or telling them they've "let you down". Which could be seen as inflammatory.

If she had said, look if I (or we) come it means we wont have the option of a family holiday no problem. Would have understood

I might not want to give a friend that level of detail. Lots wouldn't. It should suffice to say one is unable to attend.

She has let you down but can't explain why without saying no one will help her at home. That's my take on it anyway

Mine is that the friend has come to the realisation of the amount of cost and hassle it's going to involve - reality has struck and she's thought it best to step down soon as poss. I think that's fair enough. There are certain promises you make that you feel like you have to go through with, just because you promised.
Like going to see a film you don't fancy, or helping with a house move.
This is a whole different level, costing possibly 1000s and creating hassle for yourself and everyone around you. I can empathise with that.

YABU. MOH has nothing to do with the wedding planning, you've watched too many American rom coms. It's ok to be sad but she gave you a whole year's notice. She probably did get excited when first asked but the reality has hit her/husband changed his mind which is fine. It's another YEAR away. Get over yourself.

I agree with this.

Also with @Butchyrestingface 's posts.

I didn't fall out with any friends when I got married. Nor when I was a bridesmaid. I'm not sure you can categorically state that it is normal for a wedding to wreck friendships.

No, me neither. When I got married or when I was bridesmaid. Nor do I know anyone in real life who has - it is only something I read of on MN, and I've been to a lot of weddings over a lot of decades.

I'm also failing to understand why giving in excess of a years notice is not sufficient. Yes its literally nearer the day than when the Op booked her wedding but frankly if you need more than 12 months notice you're approaching it wrong.
Have to agree with this too. Indeed, when I backed out of being bridesmaid for my very dear friend due to becoming pregnant (so, clearly less than a year's notice), she was nothing but delighted for me. We did not fall out. I did manage to get to the wedding, which she was also really pleased about.

For some reason the term “bridezuki” is making me cackle 🤭 😆😂

She told you she couldn't afford it.

That was true.
She couldn't afford it and her family holiday.

She doesn't have to explain to you what she is spending her money on.
She told you she couldn't come and why.

I can't believe you think she owed you an explanation about how they use their family money.

Yabu

If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept that you are prioritising the location over the guests. You are asking people to sacrifice a lot of money, time, annual leave, etc. just to attend your wedding, when you could have got married somewhere much easier for guests to get to and then gone abroad for your honeymoon. As a result, you have no right to guilt-trip anyone who doesn't attend. You don't get to decide if they can afford to attend, or if they have enough time, or if they have the right childcare. You have to graciously accept being told "no".

Surely you didn’t need her to actually spell it out?!

How generous of you!

You had a poem for cash gifts didn't you?

Nobody needs to explain themselves to you at all.

Yabu for having a wedding abroad, and then being upset people can't come. Getting married abroad puts a huge financial and practical strain on your guests.

She should have been more gentle about breaking the news, but I imagine your lack of understanding about her not coming was hurtful. It's not easy to arrange childcare, and cost isn't the only barrier. Finding reliable ad hoc childcare is virtually impossible.

I have a friend who won't talk to me after I didn't go to her wedding abroad when I had a newborn. I'm not really sure what she expected me to do, given aside from the practicalities of travelling abroad with a new born baby, I didn't even think it would be possible to get a passport on time for them.

This! Totally agree. The kid card has been played here. It’s a one off occasion and she knew all the details before accepting the role. YANBU. I’d ask someone else and just get on with it. Enjoy your wedding and don’t worry about her. She will probably do this again at other important times in your life so I would not be in a rush to make any effort to get in touch again.

Move on. Pick someone else.
She probably said yes in the excitement or didn’t want to let you down but reality has hit.
MoH is a big job, she needs to be up for it.

Just tell her it’s okay, and move on. Why risk a friendship over something so silly? In a few years you’ll realise the time and energy you put into this whole thing probably wasn’t worth it.

‘but she has childcare support (mainly family members, including some not coming to the wedding) - but for whatever reason, doesn't have any support during the wedding. ‘

Finding someone - even family - able and willing to look after kids for a few days while you are abroad is a BIG ask

i don’t think anyone is being unreasonable. She is allowed to change her mind if it doesn’t work with her family life. Shame about the breakdown in friendships