Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

She might feel awkward talking to you now rather than not doing so as she's annoyed with you or whatever. If the friendship means a lot to you personally I'd break the ice.

She certainly could and should have told you upfront if she didn't want to leave the children to go abroad or whatever, and it sounds like she did say some nasty things; doesn't seem overly unreasonable for her to not be able to head off abroad for a few days necessarily.

I was in a similar position, one of my close friends was getting married abroad about DS1 was due a few weeks beforehand and I knew when she asked I wouldn't he up for leaving him or taking him abroad. I did tell her this though and arranged a celebration in this country for her when she got back for those of us who couldn't make it etc.

We are missing a big part of this story, op. How did you react when she said she wouldn't be able to attend? I think it's fairly obvious that you didn't just say, "I'm so sorry to hear that but I totally understand." Her side of the story might be very enlightening.

YABU, sort of.

I understand why you're upset and disappointed but take a step back for a moment. Is it possible the reason she can't go is because of her husband? If he refuses to take annual leave or even if as the bread winner refuses to let her spend that money on a trip just for your wedding she's not going to easily admit that to you. It doesn't matter what their finances look like if she doesn't have permission to spend family money freely.

It's easier to deflect a friend than it is to admit your husband is controlling/unsupportive or even just plain unwilling to spend family money on someone else's wedding.

She hasn't let you down, she's given plenty of notice. Do you really want to throw away decades of friendship over this?

It’s a shame you couldn’t have come to a compromise. Ie. She helps you with all the UK stuff - planning hen parties, bridesmaid dresses etc, even if she couldn’t go to the actual wedding.

YABU for expecting a parent to drop everything and somehow pay a fortune for childcare, just because you've chosen to have a destination wedding.
Very selfish.

her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work

they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

I wouldn’t be going abroad to a wedding alone if my partner (or mum) wasn’t able to look after my kids. A wedding abroad in term time is a logistical nightmare for people with kids. You’ve invited her, she can’t come-that’s the end of it. I understand you might be a bit disappointed but when you have expensive destination weddings, you can’t expect everyone to be able to go. I wouldn’t be expecting her to apologise.

I can completely understand your disappointment that she’s not coming and yes ideally she would have said right from the start that she wouldn’t be able to come. However I imagine being your best friend since childhood she was caught up in the excitement and was genuinely really hopeful she would be able to come. With it getting closer I guess reality sets in and she’s come to the conclusion that it’s not practical for all the reasons already given. I’m sure she was equally disappointed at not being able to come. At least she’s given a years notice.

it would be horrible to lose such a long term friendship over this - both of you ANBU but it’s going to take one of you to step up and try to resolve things. Do you really want your wedding to be tarnished over this? Why not send a letter/email/message explaining you were obviously disappointed she can no longer come and you don’t want to lose such a good friendship over this (or for your mums to either)?

if you’re having any sort of celebration when back in the UK, why not ask if she’d like to be involved with that? Or alternatively suggest after the wedding you two and your partners (or even you and your mums) go for a celebratory meal?

while I can understand how upset you must be and think she should be the one apologising I really think you would regret losing what has obviously been a very important friendship and it’s worth stepping up and offering the olive branch.

I’m with your friend. If you get married abroad, you need to accept that guests may choose not to go. It’s a massive ask to expect them to pay to go and (if they work) use up their annual leave for it. She’s given you a year’s notice, so you really shouldn’t complain.

We got married abroad and invited precisely no-one. To us, this was one of the reasons for doing it overseas - so it could be just us two. We had a party when we got back. I really don’t get the expectation that family and friends with schlep somewhere just for a wedding. If you want them there, do it at home.

YABU. Maybe when she agreed she thought she could do it, but reality kicks in. When she agreed she no doubt assumed her partner and kids would be coming, now they can’t so what could have been a family holiday now is just her, and maybe she can’t afford to come as that will impact on a family holiday? I know you said cost isn’t an issue, but do you really know that? No one really knows other peoples finances. I am sure she is disappointed she can’t come, and I guess your reaction is making her more defensive

at least she has told you well in advance so someone else can do that role.

this is the truth of destination weddings, not everyone can come, if you choose to get married abroad you have to accept people can’t come

I think YABU. She probably accepted before really thinking through the logistics of it thinking it could be sorted, but it can't be.

Make up with her, and choose another MOH.

Is her mum coming to the wedding? Surely if she is close to the family if she came and they brought the kids that would be a solution?

Yes I don’t understand what being “particular” about it is.

We’re not talking about paying a babysitter for a few hours when then DC are asleep to go on a night out. We’re talking about 3 whole days. Of course you can’t just have anybody do that, I have no idea how I’d even find someone to do that. Her DH doing it sounds like really the only option (and the only option most people would have). It’s a shame that he can’t do it.

However, the wish has collided with reality.

⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆

This in spades.

It is one day of your life. It really is not worth losing a good friend over. It is likely you both said hurtful things to each other. Accept the reality which is she just can't make it, she never purposely intended to upset you, and try to build bridges, otherwise it will just taint your day.

You've been given a year's notice, and for that reason alone YABU. You need to let it go and accept that lots of people won't attend your wedding because it is abroad.

Its during term time!

YABVU. Of course she’s “particular” about who takes care of the kids - they’re her kids!

That comment alone shows you don’t understand because you aren’t a parent.

OP, just make up with your friend. It’s honestly not worth losing the friendships. If it means you extending the olive branch a little, just do that. You’ve got a whole year to make alternative MoH plans.

It must be somewhere close though if it's all done including travel in 3 days? Also sounds tiring! Day 1- travel out, day 2-wedding, day 3 travel home (while hungover?!)

Ok different view. What is her husband like? It sounds to me like he’s being controlling and has put her under pressure to say she can’t make it. When people are put under pressure to do something they don’t want to, they tend to lash out, which would explain her totally unreasonable way of engaging with you about it. I imagine she feels awful and is trying to justify it to herself that it’s your fault rather than hers for caving to her husband, or her husband’s for pressuring her to say no.

What on earth were you thinking, asking a woman with children to travel abroad to be a MoH during term time? My guess is that she said yes when it was all a distant idea and now she's tried to firm it up she's come across stumbling blocks. Maybe it's the worst time of year for her husband to take time off work. As soon as she started wavering you should, graciously, have understood instead of getting upset and making a thing of it.

Why any bride or groom expects people to willingly attend their foreign weddings I don't know.

Yabu She's given plenty of notice so if you want to choose someone who can come can become the MOH
You've chosen a wedding abroad, in term time, lots of people won't come due to kids and finances. Not their fault.
Don't abandon a live long friendship over this.

It doesn’t exactly sound like you reacted to her news with grace or understanding, and maybe that contributed to the subsequent deterioration of the conversation.

I'm guessing her husband has said no, perhaps the child, perhaps the expense, perhaps he's controlling. She's a sahm so may not be able to go against his wishes (sad but true)

Destination weddings are a complete pain in the arse in terms of cost, using up precious annual leave, and all the extra organising involved (e.g. pets, childcare, transfers, etc.). You are perfectly entitled to get married where you want to get married, but I think you have to accept that it does act as a barrier for many of your guests. My best friend got married in Barbados. She invited quite a large crowd but in the end only her and her now DH made the trip. It was just too wildly expensive and time consuming.

Whether she said no from offset or said yes but no realises she can't do it she has given you a whole year's notice to find a replacement. If you decide to marry overseas it is very expensive for guests plus they either spend a lot to go for 3 days then home again or end up at the same hotel as the bride and groom and that is just embarrassing to be on their honeymoon with them. YABVU not to speak to your friend who probably feels gutted she will miss your wedding. Not many people want to go to destination weddings. It also takes a week or more of their annual holiday allowance and if they pay a lot to go to your wedding they may not be able to afford a holiday for themselves on their own when everything is not about you.