Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

Very well put

Maybe against the grain but I find it really odd when people (who clearly have family support before someone jumps down my throat) won't leave their children. Do they not have any life of their own?! Especially as she's a stay at home mum.

It isn't a case of "won't leave their children" though, is it ?
The actual practicalities of getting 3 small dc looked after for several days is HUGE. I know, we looked in to it when a dear friend was getting married abroad when ours were small (not a 'destination wedding', but getting married in the home country of the bride).

We would love to have been able to go, but we just didn't have anyone who could practically do it. This doesn't mean we wouldn't "leave our children", it means we wouldn't leave them home alone to fend for themselves.
We've used plenty of paid for babysitters, and childcare when out at work etc, but don't know anyone that could absorb 3 small children into their lives for several days so we could swan off to a wedding.

But she doesn't need childcare for 3 days - she has a husband not going, who can have them at home overnight. She needs wraparound care for school age children. I'm surprised she can't get that sorted with a whole year to go!

The actual practicalities of getting 3 small dc looked after for several days is HUGE.

Not when their actual real life father is at home to parent them, if he could be bothered.

But we have no idea what his job is, or his contract, or expectations in his role. There is, presumably a reason why she is a SAHP. There are loads of careers where people can't "just take the time off" or where they can't be home at a decent time each night. Yes, some of them done by women too - this isn't (as so many posters would like to claim) confined to men.

Maybe against the grain but I find it really odd when people (who clearly have family support before someone jumps down my throat) won't leave their children. Do they not have any life of their own?! Especially as she's a stay at home mum.

Or maybe they genuinely enjoy the company of their kids and miss them when they’re not with them. Nothing weird about that.

Even when people have full on jobs, there are very few where it's totally impossible to arrange 3 nights at home with over a year's notice. I think OP said he doe's something financial? So not armed forces or working on an oil rig type job.

Even when there's a sahp, that doesn't mean the kids are solely their responsibility at all times. There will be occasions when the sahp needs to be somewhere else and having a full on job doesn't mean a parent can abdicate all responsibility for looking after their own children!
It's a sad state of affairs when a woman can't commit to going to her best friend's wedding with over a year's notice and the husband in this scenario doesn't seem to think it's on him to get anything sorted so she can!

'The actual practicalities of getting 3 small dc looked after for several days is HUGE.

Not when their actual real life father is at home to parent them, if he could be bothered.'

That really depends on the father though, and I've gone ahead and assumed he's one of the useless ones who use the fact his DW is a SAHM to escape from all responsibility when it comes to his kids.

Here's what would have happened in our house ( two adult in FT work) if DW's childhood friend was getting married.
She'd have gone, and I would have managed the kids using holiday and/or wrap around care for this one off event.

I'm sure she feels shit about it, I would if DW was that useless. BUT when you go abroad for a wedding you have to accept that you've chosen that over making your wedding accessible for many people.

Of the 4 working adults in our household, 3 of us have times during the year when we can't "just book annual leave" if the dates are during the periods when we need to be there. Many, many jobs can't for all sorts of different reasons.

Presumably though, the friend would be aware of this in the first place and not have agreed. The dh doesn't actually need AL, only to be with the kids after work/overnight. That's a basic parenting obligation, when the other parent has a commitment elsewhere. All they really need for school age kids is some wraparound care.
If the dh worked on an oil rig or something, that would be different

Not necessarily. I don't know of the dates, months ahead, that dh is away with his work, off the top of my head. Normally, I don't need to know, so I could be enthusiastic about the idea of going away to a wedding, without really have considered the reality.
However, I was specifically replying to the posters who think all jobs are like theirs, and, because they can 'book annual leave' when they want, that everyone can.

Agreed, plus she knew all the details (term time, etc) before she agreed to be your MOH.

Yes, once you've agreed to be MoH you can't change your mind, no matter the reason, even with more than 12 months notice.
Your word is your bond after all.

You can back out if there's a good reason, but lack of childcare for school age kids when there's a dh at home after work, is a bit sketchy. I can see why the bride is hurt. But if the moh is in a relationship with an unhelpful or obstructive man, then she too is in a hard place. I think the bride needs to properly talk to her friend - they go back years and if moh is backing out, there's likely stuff going on in the background the bride is unaware of.

To clarify there is nothing there about the children's ages. They could be 12,10,8 or 2,4,6. I have a 6 year old so term times impact me even though I've a 2 year old at home full time. That makes a massive difference in terms of childcare.

I can see you've written a full synopsis of the MoH's relationship with her husband, her family and her finances.