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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

341 replies

Ayla6 · 15/05/2023 17:25

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

OP posts:
MsWhitworth · 15/05/2023 18:18

It’s reasonable of her not to come given the circumstances and reasonable of you to be disappointed. It’s not reasonable of her to be nasty about it, which it sounds like she has been.

If that’s out of character for her, I’d wonder if there’s something else behind it. She could be frustrated and disappointed that she can’t come. Her DH could be a dick refusing to look after the kids. She might have less money than you think.

towriteyoumustlive · 15/05/2023 18:18

YABU.

The wedding is over a year away and she has let you know in plenty of time.

It's likely she liked the idea of being Maid of Honour, but then the reality sank in of not being with her children so she has therefore decided to not go any more.

She has done nothing wrong and is entitled to change her mind. I'm not sure why she owes you an apology and you had no right to be upset with her.

If you organise weddings abroad then it's quite normal for people to drop out.

VonThorn · 15/05/2023 18:19

Dishwashersaurous · 15/05/2023 17:30

She probably really wanted to be part of the day and support you.

However, the wish has collided with reality. A destination wedding in term time is logistically really complicated.

She probably wanted to make it work but just can't

This. There's no need for 'not speaking' and losing friendships.

This kind of thing can be a logistical nightmare for people with children, and she has three of them. She hasn't dropped you in it - she's done the right thing. She's been honest and given you a year's notice.

You are understandably disappointed, but you have no right to judge the reasonableness of her decision. She's told you that it's too difficult to arrange - why not just believe her?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2023 18:20

Ok different view. What is her husband like? It sounds to me like he’s being controlling and has put her under pressure to say she can’t make it.

The OP says, her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work.

crazyaboutcats · 15/05/2023 18:20

I think you were unreasonable to even ask or suggest a term time destination wedding to someone with three children. And she was to have said yes.

Cloud9Super · 15/05/2023 18:21

YABVU. Why get married abroad, putting all guests in an awkward position? I’m sure she’d have loved to be your MoH in the UK. A few days overseas, leaving her young children, is way too much to ask. She’s right that you would have known that, had you had your own DC. You’ve asked too much of her - your expectations were unreasonable IMO.

KingsHeath53 · 15/05/2023 18:21

Note a few posts on here saying YABU. I’ll put it out there to say I don’t think so. If a mate asked me to be MoH for them I would move heaven and earth to be there. In fact I have done in the past including travelling to a foreign wedding with a newborn in arms and leaving toddler behind as he wasn’t invited. With a year’s notice one can figure out after school clubs / playdates / family members pitching in / partner doing bedtime etc etc. True friendships are for a lifetime and I’m proud to have been there for all my mates’ special days.

Hoolihan · 15/05/2023 18:21

YABVU

ChrisPPancake · 15/05/2023 18:22

YABU to not be talking to her any more over this.

Crazycrazylady · 15/05/2023 18:22

Honestly op. You're dead wrong here. Of course in the initial excitement of the wedding announcement she said yes but then she faces the reality of trying to get childcare for three kids during term time along with the expense which I assume is significant.
It sounds like you sulked with her when she told you.
When you face weddings abroad . Of course you take the chance that not everyone you would like to be there will be able to make it.
Apologise and move on

Hueandcry · 15/05/2023 18:22

Yabvu

briansgardenshed · 15/05/2023 18:23

YABU and bridezilla ish. She said yes as an automatic response. It's a reflex - Oh yes, how lovely!! Because it's not something you usually say no to when you're first asked. But as soon as you try to work it out you realise it's impossible.

I would NOT leave my kids for three days with anyone but a very close family member. And even then - it's a big ask for someone. It's term time so she can't take them with her. It's clearly not going to work.

And she has given you over a year's notice!!

Destination weddings are shit. I've just said no to one - it's just too much, (stress, money, annual leave, planning. Too much)

mycoffeecup · 15/05/2023 18:23

She's given you over a year's notice - I'd say YABU. If she'd dropped out the week before that would be different.

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/05/2023 18:23

You are effectively ELOPING! You can't expect anyone to follow you, especially if it's a. Expensive b. During termtime c. Away from the wider support network for the attendants.

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/05/2023 18:24

I suspect she agreed before thinking the logistics through. Now reality has dawned on her, she is angry at you simply because she feels bad about reversing her decision.

Freddiefox · 15/05/2023 18:24

Surely neither of you are being unreasonable
to be upset. But not talking to each other is a bit unreasonable. But you don’t say who started that.
shes given you plenty of notice, and she absolutely has to be honest and say she can’t come. Destination weddings are a pain for everyone other than the bridal party.

Tbh it’s sounds all a bit dramatic, you should just accept it with good grace and she should apologise (once) and you should both move on.

your mums don’t need to get involved at all.

Soapyspuds · 15/05/2023 18:26

If the wedding is abroad I think it is reasonable for her to cancel with this amount of notice either with or without an reason. However she should have apologised for her chance of circumstance rather than blame you.

I would go NC and find another MOH. If she wants to apologise at a later date then you can look at resuming some kind of friendship.

Lindy2 · 15/05/2023 18:26

Term time, full time childcare for 3 kids for 3 days - that's actually quite a challenge. She's realised it's a logistical nightmare so she's given you a years notice that she won't be able to attend.

I don't think she's being unreasonable.

I'm sure if you were having a weekend wedding in the UK then they would all attend. Your choice to go abroad makes it difficult for some people to attend.

FabFitFifties · 15/05/2023 18:27

YABU. She likely feels terrible. It's her DH who has let you down (and her), and she's taking the fallout. Weddings abroad ask rather a lot of guests/rezt of wedding party imo.

coeurnoir · 15/05/2023 18:27

You are definitely not unreasonable. If it was going to cause a problem then she should have said at the start, it's not like you have just sprung this on her.

Maybe her partner is causing problems? Either way, she's got no right to blame you for her own decision. I'd just leave her be. She will either come around and apologise, or you both accept that it's time for you to move on from your friendship.

Butchyrestingface · 15/05/2023 18:27

YABU. But at least one of you (her) woke up to the impracticability of the situation in good time, giving you ample opportunity to secure another MoH.

Incidentally, what IS your solution in a scenario where a woman's husband "can't or won't" look after the 3 kids for a few days whilst the mother decamps on a wedding jolly?

Fandabedodgy · 15/05/2023 18:27

YABU

She hasn't done anything wrong she's just had second thoughts about the logistics, costs etc.

This is the risk you take with a destination wedding. Destination weddings put an enormous burden on all the guests.

Stop being a bridezilla and graciously accept this.

Or lose your friend

Snoken · 15/05/2023 18:28

Yes, yabu for not speaking to her. Your wedding is important to you, but by having it abroad it shows that it's not as important for you that your guests can make it. It sort of goes both ways with destination weddings. You get to have it where you want to, but many of your guests won't be able to cope with the expense of it, the days off work, the fact that it's during term time etc. If having everyone there mattered to you, you would have hosted it nearer.

She got caught up in the excitement of it all, but realised when she started looking into the practicalities that it won't work for her. For what reason is irrelevant.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/05/2023 18:28

CwmYoy · 15/05/2023 17:30

YABU. Weddings abroad are very selfish. Far too much expense for the guests.

Sorry OP but I agree.
I think she obviously very much wanted to be there , hence saying yes initially, but the reality of it is too much stress with three young children.
I would not have done this either, when my dc were little. I would have hated being in another country, worried about an emergency, found the whole thing stressful. And that is aside from how expensive it is.

Cocopogo · 15/05/2023 18:28

YABU
Shes right, you chose to get married abroad so you should expect this. Lots of people will agree to come in the excitement of it all and then when the reality kicks in of paying silly money to go somewhere they’d not choose to holiday at themselves then they will drop out, it’s to be expected.