To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

I have one DC and actively don’t want any more. Lots of practical reasons, but mostly I just don’t want another baby!

I have never once felt judged harshly for it. I wouldn’t care if I was though.

Enjoy your DC ❤️

I only have one child. She loves it. She can do the activities she wants because we can afford it. We don't need to stretch and compromise.

She has friends round all the time for play dates and she loves sharing her toys because its a novelty to her. But then when she needs time to chill out and unwind and be by herself she has that space as well. SHes also not fighting for attention with anyone else, and she's not being compared to anyone else either. She can be entirely comfortable in her own skin.

I've never really had pressure from anyone - mainly because we were always open even during pregnancy that we only ever wanted one child. Why the hell would I have another baby that neither of us want, or that we can't afford simply to reassure complete strangers?

Is there. Didn't realise that. My DD is an only. I'd have loved two but you get what you get. DD has lots of friends some with no siblings some with. They just play. DD is 6.

People just make small talk about babies and children. Are you having another? Wouldn’t you want a girl? Etc it’s not personal and I doubt anyone, other than maybe grandparents, actually care about how many kids you have.

I think people are only giving their (unwanted) opinion because you've brought up your decision. Other than that I don't think people are bothered one way or another. I've never heard people express any sort of condemnation about one child families.

I'm only having one, and am very happy about that. Pregnancy and multiple children are not for me.

I do occasionally get an irritating head-tilt of faux concern, but they scurry away when I tell them I'm an only child, had a lovely childhood and was never lonely. I find the idea of creating another human as some sort of gift for your first child really quite abhorrent.

We have an only. In the past I felt sad about it for my own reasons but never judged by others.

My husband is an only child, he has social phobia and is really shy. I have a sibling and I’m better at being outgoing, I’ve even been on tv lol.

the main thing is now everything widowed MIL need falls on DH and it’s really stressful. She doesn’t drive and has slight reading and writing difficulties and is a natural worrier. As I have a sibling we can share any issues with my mother and have two heads to put together. If I can’t get to her or my brother can’t, hopefully the other will be free. DH was I’ll from stress during lockdown because of mil but she is a manipulative old bag too.

I don't really think there is tbh

I don’t have an opinion on this but why do some OPs deliberately omit the sex of their child? They’ll write a big OP using ‘DC’ and ‘their’ constantly, why not just say his/her? 🤔 Is this some etiquette I’ve missed?

My DS is almost 2 and will be an only child at least for 5-6 years because of my circumstances. I'm still under 30 so have lots of time to have another baby either in a secure, happy relationship or by sperm donor but I'm sick of strangers badgering me about baby number 2 when I've still got a young and clingy toddler.
What is this obsession with keeping women pregnant?
Only children don't have to be lonely, people make friends and have cousins too. Plus, lots of siblings fall out and become estranged.

You get exactly the same schtick if you are a larger family. People just love to have an opinion. Ignore, and enjoy the life you chose.

Exactly. I have 4 and avoid mentioning usually on here as people are very rude about it. Much more than only children.

DH is an OC. He’s the most gregarious person I know. The life and soul of the party, people love him, he’s v successful at work as well.

My best friend, also an OC. Very extrovert and confident.

I have a sister and I’m an introvert.

Your sibling status has absolutely no bearing your character and personality.

I don’t think there is as much stigma these days. Lots of only children.
You are probably noticing it more as they are 3 and you are peak second child age gap territory.
By saying one for us they are taking it as a criticism.
I have an only not through choice but it’s been a great decision. Life is much easier with one and financially it’s been a huge benefit especially older teen age.

I have two but see much more stigma over larger families.

‘Only’ kids always seemed more mature than mine when they were little. And had a great life.

You can win any environment-focussed discussion by your choices anyway 👍

I'm surprised that you've faced judgement! I know so many people with one (myself included) it's so common these days.

The only people I know who judge me do it because they have three and are run off their feet, so I suspect it's jealously and they're quite bitter people in general.

Whatever, just ignore. It's right for you, it's nobody else's business.

I'm very grateful for this thread today. I have an only child of 5 and a half. She's sweet, sociable, confident and bright with lots of friends. We have money to spend on her hobbies and have nice holidays. I'm also able to keep my job and do my hobby and get some sleep, without feeling totally frazzled. My partner is a bit selfish, we definitely aren't equals in raising her and my parents aren't interested in helping either.

After years of struggling I think I have the balance right now. The only thing I have a problem with is people's unwanted opinions, which I've had a range of responses for over the years! Now, I just don't care! 💚

I'm happy, DD is happy, we have a good life. Her friends are welcome, I'm a bit like a big kid myself and happy to do playdates and be sociable with other mums when I can.

I'm not willing to roll the dice for no good reason just to give her a sibling. I do feel twinges of sadness when I hear about people's 2nd pregnancies, but I know it's not the right life for us.
We are getting on with our precious lives 😊

They may not care, but they’re certainly quite free with their opinions. Not everyone, or everywhere — I never got it in London, or the city I live in now, but during my seven years in a village in the Midlands (which was admittedly the most insular, conformist place I’ve ever lived), a significant number of neighbours, friends of friends, people at parties and other parents at the village school could not get their heads around having one child by choice, and I was treated to all the classics:

‘You can’t only have one child!’

’That’s so selfish!’

’Oh, the lonely only!’

I'm an only child and am not shy, no social anxiety. I am an introvert - as are both of my parents - but it really annoys me when people assume introverts are socially anxious. I love being around my friends, I just need time alone to recharge afterwards!

One of the most outgoing people I know is an only child. She's life and soul of the party, has always done jobs that involve networking, conferences, socialising and schmoozing, was on TV a bit in her youth (not sure what this has to do with anything) and currently travels constantly for work (i.e. travel and meeting new people is her job).

Being an only child does not create a personality type.

I also see no problem with being the only person needing to deal with elderly parents. It usually seems to fall to just one sibling anyway. It's easier, I reckon - no-one to disagree with or expect more from, you just get on with it yourself (or not).

People just love to judge and have an opinion! You get comments when you have an only. You get comments when you have more than 2-3. I don’t understand how that is anyone’s business. I once got yelled at by an elderly aunt of a friend that “you have to have a second one or this one will be spoiled rotten”…wtf why?

I spent a long time thinking we would be one and done - traumatic pregnancy, in the end we are going for the second one - but we’re also in a privileged position where we can do that. Many can’t have more than one kid, infertility, finances etc - just how painful is it having these comments thrown in your face all the time when you’re already struggling? Don’t people realize that?

(obviously not having another one by choice is totally fine too…there are pros and cons to both having/not having siblings and there’s absolutely no study suggesting that the only kids are more miserable)

God, yes, hell hath no fury like MN posters towards women with 3+ children. Don’t you care that the planet is burning and it’s all your fault?? 😉 (but it’s fine for them to have their 2 of course, rather than 1 or none)

I don't think there is a stigma. I never judge about child number choices; actually I lie, I judge people (specifically men) who have more children than they can provide for, financially or emotionally. I know plenty of people who have one very happy, well adjusted, sociable child.

@CountMushroom Is right, I'm in the north west and I get it too. I used to get defensive, get upset and everything in between.
But now it amuses me and I do my best to make the asker uncomfortable :

"Thanks for volunteering to be my night nanny!"
"I like kids, but I couldn't eat a whole one"
"You have to have sex to get pregnant last time I checked" (best said to nosey colleagues 😂)

Exactly this. 3 of my close friends have decided they only want one child. It's the least interesting thing about them.