To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

Why men more than women out of interest?

I don't think there is either... maybe depends where you live - definitely isn't in London. DS is 10 - I agree with PP who said 3 is peak second child age gap territory so probably feels more of an issue at that age. DS has never wanted siblings - they'd mess up his lego - and we are so close. It would definitely be different if I had more children. The main downside is when I get old and decrepit and it just being him, but there's no guarantee of siblings getting on well enough to split that job equally, and I know of lots of situations where it all falls on one person to care for their parent.

The default is two children, 3 if you’re perceived as being well-off. So people who have no children, 1 child or 3+ if you’re poor or 4+ if you’re well off come under scrutiny. However, people with 2 children of the same sex will then be asked if they want the opposite sex, that’s the only acceptable scenario to have a third.

People will tell you how lonely they were or how the care is falling to one adult child now. For every story like that there is another story to counter it. For example, PP whose husband is an only and very shy but she’s been on TV. I’m an only on my mums side but only saw my half-siblings once a month and I’m 10 years older them so more like an only than not, I’ve been on TV and I’m not an extrovert but I’m but extroverted than DH who has a brother. The care for DH’s parents will also fall to us because DH’s brother is a selfish arse. DH’s experience with a sibling is a major driving factor in why he doesn’t want another child and wants DD to be an only.

I certainly never volunteered any information about my offspring — people specifically asked me, and then emoted about it!

Is there really a stigma about only children though? I’ve never encountered it in real life, only on here.

I've never had any comment about having 1dc who is 7,

I have had the general "will you have any more" and the answer is just "no were done" and that's it

But I feel amongst people I know any "stigma" around only children doesn't exist and there are quite a few only children in my friendship group

I have an only DS. We would have liked more but it never happened. People assume that because you managed one, that you will have more kids but I kept miscarrying. I got a few comments that hurt at the time from arseholes who should have known better.

I did feel guilty for a while but my FIL was an only child too and had the biggest circle of friends I have ever seen. His funeral was the biggest I think I've seen.

Some of us cant have more than one. Some of us choose to have one. And life turns out the way it turns out. DM had several of us. Only two of us live in the same country as her now and one of those is a full time carer so when DM is increasingly needing care, it's falling to me alone anyway! I know plenty who do have siblings and are NC, and others that have no family and are very happy.

I think the majority have no interest at all in how many children another person has and are just making conversation. If you had lots of children, they'd comment on that. I have a very standard 2 children, one boy one girl, and people still have something to say about it because you can't just say "oh".

I don’t think there is such a stigma attached to it so much anymore. But we have encountered a few. My DM was a bit worried that we would regret our decision to stop at one and did put some of our DD’s behavioural traits down to being an only child but this was genuine concern.

The worst I have had was someone at the school gates ask, ‘what would you do if your only died?’ To this, I was flabbergasted for a moment but then said, ‘I think I would respond in the same way as you would if one of your DC died, heaven forbid!’

This comment was pretty bad but I think these are individual extremes. It really depends if you are ‘one and done’ by choice, circumstances not to do with infertility or due to infertility problems and how you feel as a couple and family that counts. Also, I have learnt not to let other people’s received ideas affect me too much. There was one woman who was kind of implying I wasn’t as much of a mother as her as she had three, I just kind of ignore it and say ‘it works for us!’ It’s hard to deal with these kinds of judgemental comments but it says more about the other person than you in a way. Smile, hold your head up and be proud…and get on with your life.

It's really no one else's business how many DC you decide to have. I can see advantages of being an only child in terms of attention and resources. I invite my niece to go on holiday with my youngest son because they are both quite a bit younger than their siblings so although not only children they are growing up in the family home with no other siblings there. Their relationship is more like brother and sister than cousins. When parents get older I was very relieved to have 4 sisters to help with my Mum's care. She didn't have to go into a home for the final 6 weeks of life because we all helped her in different ways in her own home.

peoples opinions differ depending on their relationship with their own siblings.

I’ve got a bond with my siblings that could never be replicated with anyone else.

but then you get others who can easily take their siblings or leave them.

I’m currently pregnant with our first and will be trying in the next couple of years for the next. But that’s because I’m part of the first camp. In all honesty I’ve always had more of a bond to my siblings that my own parents. It would feel like id be depriving this baby that relationship.

But on the other hand, only children with two loving parents also have great childhood too.

Well if you're forthcoming with your reasons etc, then of course they'll respond. I can't see many scenarios where you'd have to even bring it up? I don't have kids, and if someone asks, I just ask "no I don't". I'd never say anything else, and rarely someone asks further.

I’m not assuming that he’s socially anxious. He has been diagnosed and in counselling it was suggested that a sibling may have been a benefit. I have seen the stress he has had dealing with mil, I have much less of it as both me and my brother help out. I am only putting out there our experience and why I am quite glad to have that sibling support.

He should be able to share the burden with you. Isn’t that the point of having a spouse?

Because a lot of people consider being deliberately "one and done" fairly selfish - but then again many people would say having any child is selfish - you can't please everyone - there are always going to be opposing views. It's not a choice i would have made for my child personally - I think if you are prepared to bring one child into the world then you should be prepared to have a sibling - cost of raising a child shouldn't come as a surprise and if age isn't a factor you time things so that you're not paying out for 2 children at the same time. Some people prioritise where they live and holidays and so on others don't. Have none have one have 5 doesn't matter if you are comfortable with the choice you have made for your child doesn't mean anyone's choice is better than anyone else's - I don't live your life and you don't live mine (mum of 3)

That must get really annoying

I have one. I wanted none but my husband at the time convinced me to continue the pregnancy. I've had comments for yeeeeears. Mostly people telling me I didn't know my own mind and would change my mind. She's 20 now and the comments have changed to mostly well it's too late for you now, you'll regret it. No, I won't. I have no interest in children!

Oh and my only child is the life and soul. Hugely extroverted. Loads of friends.

I am one of 4 and am shy, introverted, not good at making friends.

The no of siblings you do or don't have has fuck all to do with your personality.

DD was born after a huge infertility struggle. When she was young we thought her SEN was going to be severe & we decided we needed to give her a sibling if only so she had someone to visit occassionally and champion for her when we’re gone. But we had secondary infertility too & our DS came at a time when DD started thriving - she went from non-verbal & in nappies at 5 to top of class by 8, to olympics sports scholarships and a good friend circle by 11.

I love DS to bits but if I had a crystal ball when DD was 5 I would not have tried so hard to have him for the reasons I did.

I think most parents have siblings from a similar place of fear we did. We see our kids as babies and dependant on us - but actually raising them properly meana making them less reliant on us. So if we do this well siblings don’t make a difference.

But then the op would become outing not!!

Is there a stigma? I’ve had only 1 dd for almost 13 years and I’ve never noticed anyone having any thoughts whatsoever about it! I’d say there is more of a social stigma around having lots of children. Is it perhaps something that you’re not fully at ease with in your own mind? You cite finances as one reason for not having any more dc - which is a perfectly valid point, but if money were no object would you perhaps plan your family differently?

I have 2 DDs with a 10 year age gap, I often get comments about them being an only child.
How sad it is for them, it's bizzare because they're not only children. They're also very close and the oldest does so much with the youngest and always has done.

People will always comment and make judgements. The trick is to ignore it.

I've not had anyone make judgemental comments to me, but that's quite possibly partly because my friends and acquaintances are mostly sensible and wouldn't dream of being so tactless. I know my mother is anti-onlies - she hasn't expressed an opinion on the subject for the last 20 years, but I can still remember what she said about them when I was still living at home!

When deciding, the breakthough moment for me was realising that my biggest reason for thinking we should have a second was my mother's opinion - which is really no reason at all.

I was intrigued that DD's primary school friendship group was all onlies apart from a couple whose siblings were quite a bit older. However they were all from very similar backgrounds in other respects, so it may just be coincidence.

There isn't a generalised stigma. I have an only child and in the 6 years I have had him not one person has ever commented about it to my face. I'm not sure anyone that I socialise with really has much time or brain space to waste having opinions about the size and shape of other people's families. Plus it is now very very well-publicised that many couples have fertility issues so most reasonable people would consider it very insensitive to judge.

There are, however, stupid, insensitive and opinionated people everywhere. The trick is to ignore them and avoid places where they can air their views anonymously.

Is there a stigma exactly? It is something everyone has an opinion about, I agree. I have to say that I do think children are generally better off with siblings if possible-although I understand why it often isn't possible. And for me one of the absolute best bits of parenting is watching my children interact with each other. I remember with such pleasure the day my dd said "we" and I realised she meant herself and her younger brother, not herself and me.🥲. I want everyone to have moments like that!

@BashfulClam The counsellor was talking bollocks.