To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

I was raised as an OC but I do have two younger half siblings and now have more of a relationship with one of them because he's at a more mature age and we share similar hobby interests. I did find being an only very lonely at times despite having close friends in childhood and lots of opportunities to see friends. I never really had cousins my own age that I saw on a regular basis (pretty much didn't have anything to do with all my cousins on dads side of the family) so family gatherings could be incredibly boring for me and sometimes I wished I had someone to back me up at school whenever I got the brunt of any bullying (it didn't happen often but on those occasions the persons sibling would always be horrible to me and I had noone on my side). I honestly think it depends on family dynamics as much as whether you want 2 or not. I don't think people should force themselves to have a second child if they really don't want to but I always used to ask for a brother or sister when I was a kid so I think I obviously craved that companionship!

My son is 2 and I'm 100% not having another kid. I still breastfeed him and give him all the love and attention he deserves. Another kid would ruin me emotionally, financially, and put a huge strain on my capabilities to function as a parent. There are plenty kids in our neighbourhood the around his age who he can play with, and I'll encourage him to join Boy Scouts/other activities and sports outside of school once he's older. To have another kid just to stop your child being lonely is bonkers IMO!

It wasn’t my favourite place, I’ll admit. We left the country!

Mines an only and I've not really had much judgement but definately some 'are you having another' and once a presumptive 'I'd have the second soon to save too much of a gap'

But I like having an only and he seems happy as Larry he loves his play dates etc :)

People love to comment and judge! I have an only- the commenting does lessen the older they get.
It’s like some people want to force you into having another/ believe their opinion is the only correct one as that’s what they did.

My only has always been an extremely sociable, friendly, popular child and as others have said, we have so much more time, money and energy to spend on him than we would have, had we decided to continue. He’s also shown no desire for a sibling over the years!
We do spend a lot of time socialising with friends/his friends- more so, I suspect , than if we had had 2 or more but I enjoy it so it doesn’t feel like a hardship.

I think, most people, no matter how many children they have, will always have some sort of guilt!

I think attitudes are better now than 30 years ago when DD was born. I made it perfectly clear that I was 1 and done but some of the comments I received where awful. I was "being selfish" and "cruel" for depriving my (then), DH of ever having a son and DD of having a sibling. I was even asked " would you have another if your daughter died?"

Now it seems it's DD's turn to be judged by society as she has chosen to remain childfree and is now "selfish" for "depriving me of any GC" apparently. She's not and I fully support her decision.

Thinking about it,the comments I've mainly had are older woman with 1 child saying "you have to have another"...I found this bizarre! They must be projecting. I've resisted the urge to ever say to them "Why didn't you?" because it's no one else's business!

I think only children are absolutely fine if you give them chance to mix with other children. When I think about my own upbringing, I'm glad I wasn't an only but only as my parents rarely allowed other children in the house for playdates or for tea, no sleepovers. We rarely did anything geared towards children as ironically my father didn't like children! Needless to say, I'll be doing the opposite for my DD.

My own brother is now a drug addict and near useless. He'll be no help caring for my parents when they are elderly as he has no money and no car. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.

Siblings often aren't all they're cracked up to be.

There are pros and cons with smaller and bigger families. But however many children someone decides to have is the right number for them.
Its impossible to say how things would be better /worse if they had more or fewer children things are what they are.

I have never experienced this as parent to an only child. I also didn't get on with my sibling, as a child or an adult.

I have a sibling who treats me awfully so we are very low contact. Siblings getting on isn’t a given, in fact, if I consider my friends, neighbours and colleagues that I know well enough I would say more do not get on with their siblings than do

DH is an only child and we can’t decide how many we want. He wants two, I do for many reasons, however, I also want to keep balance for ourselves too and focus on our relationship and individual hobbies and work. I can’t imagine how we’d balance that very well with two. It would also really impact on the kind of help we could give them as adults. Driving lessons, house deposit and all the expensive things could be really supported with one but with two it would be / 2, obviously. I am also a very empathetic and sensitive person and I’m not sure I could deal with the needs and support the struggles of an additional child. Life is difficult and challenging. There’s a huge stigma around only children I do agree, people think they will be lonely. I’ll admit I worry very much that our child won’t have anyone when they’re older especially because there won’t really be any cousins on the scene. That is the only reason to have another that I can see in our circumstances, perhaps it’s a really important reason to we will have to figure that out down the line.

There are some really interesting perspectives on here

My husband is an only, and a delightful person - which is why I married him. I do think he is slightly entitled/clueless about how to operate within a family and is slightly oblivious to the needs of other family members just because the world revolved around him as a child and he didn't really have to make as many compromises as I did as one of many. However that's a parenting issue and I don't think it applies to most single children. I do slightly judge his mother - while also feeling very sorry for her as she's widowed and lonely - because the pressure she puts on her son to meet her every need is intolerable and if she'd had more children it would be a burden shared. Anyway, I don't think there's a stigma about only children, there's disadvantages for the child but also advantages so it's about mitigating against the former and enjoying the latter.

My sons best friend is an only and we have 3 kids. The difference in terms of what they can do and what we can do is stark. They can do fancy holidays, city weekends, art galleries, they can go for long strolls in the evenings, watch movies, play proper games/sports. Whereas we have a toddler and a baby to consider and are constantly juggling their needs.
Having said that we are considering number 4. I feel like I've gone past the point of having the benefits of a small family and therefore might as well enjoy the benefits of a large one as I genuinely love babies and children and the interactions between them is a continuous source of joy.
In the end every lifestyle choice (I realise it isn't always a choice) comes with positives and negatives and is impossible to predict. Some only children love it, some hate it. Some large families are happy and others despise each other.
You just have to do what makes most sense to you at the time.

Never been judged for having one aka mini blondes

She took 10yrs ttc but even if hadn't I have friends with one and don't think why haven't they had no 2

Cost is a big factor and age

Ds(19) is my only child and I have never felt judged, ever. A good proportion of his friends also did not have siblings. I would find someone even commenting on a child being "an only" outside of the MN weird bubble, as if it was an impediment of some sort, strange and old fashioned when one child families are so common.

My Mum was an only child.

Watching my mum lose both her parents in her 40's with no one to assist her was heartbreaking. By assist, I mean, when you lose your parents it's your childhood world. She had no one. An orphan overnight and no siblings to connect with. No one who really 'got' it.

That's enough for me to think it's cruel. But it's only my own opinion. Having siblings doesn't necessarily protect you from this if you don't get on with your siblings or if your siblings have also passed. But it gives your child a fighting chance of having someone from their childhood to connect to in time of deep upset.

It's also pretty crap being an only child as I had zero uncles/aunties and zero cousins. My Dad was an only child too although I didn't witness him losing his parents as one died when he was a child and the other when I was a small child. Xmas is quiet. Literally barely any family other than Mum, Dad and my brother.

I've created plenty of family so my children don't have to go through this. I would have loved to have had cousins to play with my own age. You only have one child and you're the only child it's going to be a super boring Xmas all round!

I would never judge outloud though - literally none of my business. Just seeing as how you asked.

To be honest, I don't give a shit how many children anyone has got, as long as they're loved and safe, and cared for. None of my friends or family have ever offered an opinion about the subject, for the simple reason that most people know it's none of their business/just don't care.

There are SO Many variables to life/nurture/experience, that not having siblings pales into relative insignificance.

But mainly, it's one of those MN things for me - as in loads of threads about it, never encountered this raging stigma/judgements/whatever in real life.

I was an only child and always wished for a sibling.
Yes I had a privelidged childhood, didn't want for anything, financially, attention wise or provision wise....but I'd have easily traded some of those benefits for a brother or sister.I had a happy childhood, my parents played with me alot as my mum was a SAHM, and I was good at entertaining myself,but there was always a gap there.Always made a wish for a sibling when I blew out the birthday cake candles/stirred the Xmas pudding! It was really sad when my friends went home.

My parents were older though, we had a fairly small family and there were not many children in the family/parental friend group who lived close and who we saw often.

I'm aware that may be different to other people's experiences.

I have one DD. Didn't have any others as had a few miscarriages then decided I wasn't going through that again. DD is 16 and never had any negativity about her being an only child.

My DC is an only, he is sociable and has this amazing ability to make friends wherever he goes, he just has a way of contacting with others which seems way beyond his years. Conversely he appreciates his ‘down time’ and loves being able to come home to his peaceful home, where he adores being centre of attention. I feel he has the best of both worlds and it has only ever been a positive in his life x

Where I live, I’m not children are common. Nearly half the kids in ur 3 are only children. No one even ever asks me about only having 1 & in my group of 6 friends (I’m the oldest) only 2 have more than 1 child.

People will have different opinions on this because they mostly base them on their own experiences of childhood, or of those around them. Everyone's experiences of childhood is massively different, so many factors involved.

if people choose to ask questions or openly 'judge' you for having one child, they are either:

A) making conversation (like using weather to start small talk, like so many do)

Or

B) are aresholes and can't seem to understand that others might have different opinions/experiences to them.

Therefore, you really don't need to worry about it. Nobody really cares that much, and if they do, that speaks more about them than you.

Do what makes you happy.

@cobbledstone but I don’t quite fully get this. Surely once you are an adult, your partner, potential DC and chosen group of friendships will also play a massive role in this, not just the siblings? Infact I dare saying that most adult people I know find their comfort in the families they have chosen, not their siblings - many of which don’t even get along that much.

There isn't a stigma. If people want to judge, that's on them.

I've never seen having an only child treated like a stigma. Plenty of people make small talk about children but very few actually care about the answer. It's just another thing to say and part of getting to know someone and their life.

There are very few times I judge people who tell me about their children. It's usually when they brag about having them but don't actually support them financially or see them.

I was told my parents were selfish not making me an only child and that they had ruined my life. The judgmental old bag* who told me went very quiet when I told her my Dad was told he may have to decide between his wife or child when I was born.

*I'm not apologising for being ageist, I knew the woman and it's quite a polite description!