To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

Why do so many people think that only children will have close relationships with cousins? It's more and more likely that they either won't have cousins or an extended family or know them as they live too far away.

Being an only myself, I always wished that I could have had a close relationship with my extended family, but I only ever got to see them at Christmas. So whilst they have lots of fun family gatherings with each other, I'm never invited. It is very lonely knowing that others get to go exciting things and you are always excluded from those events.

Sorry, I don't follow why it's more likely that an only child will have fewer cousins, or live far away from extended family. What's the causal link there?

Is it that you think that only children are more likely to have parents who were themselves only children?

Or that people who move far from where they grew up are more likely to have only children?

On the other hand, if an only child happens to live near similar- aged cousins, and the parents get on, it's quite likely that the cousins will play together and do things together a lot as the only child won't have a ready-made playmate at home.

We're off on holiday next week with DH's sister and her kids. The cousins are a few years older than DS, and both girls, but they (and we) all enjoy spending time together.

Also @Kpo58 do you mean you are not invited to family things because you never gut to know the cousins well enough as a child, or that they don't invite you because you live far away?

I wasn't close to my cousins as a child (I only have two as my Dad was an only), they are older and lived hundreds of miles away.

However I made an effort to get to know them as an adult and they now welcome me, DH and DS into family occasions. Communication, sharing pics etc is easier these days, as is travel when you are an adult.

Maybe because some only children do have close relationships with their cousins?

My dd is extremely close to one cousin, who is the same age as her and also an only child. I have no doubt that their relationship will endure throughout their lives, and that they will have many shared memories from their childhood.

She is also quite close to her other cousins (she has many!) though she sees them less due to distance.

DD grew up living literally a 2 minute walk away from her cousins. Now adults, DD and 1 of her cousins who were particularly close growing up, now visit each other regularly. I have, to the best of my recollection, 26 cousins (both of my parents were from larger families), and I honestly couldn't pick any of them out in a line-up of 1.

I was an only child and never had an issue with it growing up. I think all of the only children amongst my peers in school are all people who are very much comfortable with being alone and doing things alone, including travel. I recognise I had financial advantages, particularly as my parents were very much working class and managed to fund me through uni and then a masters and they left me everything they had which has been helpful.

The only time I had an issue with it was when illness set in - dementia in my mum’s case (my dad had been dead 10 years at that point) and the putting her in a home and having no one to help with it, the guilt, the justifications. Of course, having a sibling might have made no difference anyway. No way of knowing.

I teach in an independent. Of a class of 24 I have in year 7, I would say at least half are only children. It certainly makes you think. I had three, the third very much a surprise. I wouldn’t change that but I can see how having one might have given him a better quality of life, particularly in the longer term.

“I had three, the third very much a surprise. I wouldn’t change that but I can see how having one might have given him a better quality of life, particularly in the longer term.”

I had 3 but oddly the thought of any one of them being an only makes me so sad. It most definitely wouldn’t be a ‘better quality of life’ because their sibling relationships are so valuable and will only improve in the longer term imo. Especially when they start having families. They’re already planning Christmases and holidays together with their respective partners and children! What else could possibly replace the joy of those deep family bonds?

Well, that’s a good example of the kind of thing people say, actually. I personally think it verges on the delusional. No one can predict the strength of their children’s sibling bonds in adulthood. My siblings and I are civil, but not at all close.

"What else could possibly replace the joy of those deep family bonds?"

If I had to choose between never seeing my brother again and never seeing my husband again, it would be "see ya Bro".

And I get on really well with my brother, see him regularly and love him to bits. But he's absolutely not the most important "bond" in my life.

My relationship with my son is the most I important bond in my life. Husband next. Two lifelong best friends whom I see most weeks.

Then my brother after all of them.

I agree. I get on well with my dsis. We played together as children and have quite a lot in common with her as an adult. I love her, but it certainly isn't the most important bond in my life by any measure.

It's lovely when siblings are close but there are no guarantees of that. Some siblings bring joy to each other's lives, others bring pain and others make little difference in either direction. You can't predict how things are going to pan out.

My dd always says that she doesn't miss having siblings because you don't miss what you've never had. She has plenty of very close bonds in her life, including people who she has known for as long as she can remember. Honestly, her quality of life is way better than mine was at her age because of the quality and range of her close relationships...she simply has better social skills than I had and more confidence in building and developing those bonds.

The logic in this post is absurd. You seem to take as read a) that families with multiple children will automatically be closer to their cousins and extended families and b) that families are the only opportunities for big gatherings and get togethers. There’s no evidence whatsoever for either of these claims. They are just your prejudice.

I am not an only child, I have three siblings and am not close to any of them but I am a very social animal and have a number of close friends and a huge extended network, none of which is connected to my family at all.

I don’t understand the mindset that only families can provide these networks. A lot of people have built networks and friendships explicitly to get away from over reliance on their families.

Alright as a child, shit as an adult.

I agree. I assume that the people who believe this must have struggled to make close friends. It makes no sense otherwise.

I have an 'only' child, although I never describe him as this I just say I have one child/a son. In his case I'm hoping he won't feel resentful or lonely as he has three cousins close in age who are always at family gatherings, two on dh's side and one on mine. We see at least one cousin most weekends.

I feel there is a stigma as on TV programmes only children are referenced to as weird or being unable to share etc.. and I'm particularly sensitive to picking up on these references as the mother of an only child. So this line of thinking definitely exists. In real life nobody has said anything like that to my face though. (And my child is very happy to share his toys!)

I have only one and never received a negative comment on it. Some people do know I went through two miscarriages trying to conceive #2 so would know better than to say anything, but fortunately I've never encountered anyone who's felt the need to quiz me about it.

Also I think the trope of a 'lonely childhood' doesn't hold true today, with the amount of after-school activities kids typically do. My 'only' DS does breakfast/after-school club twice a week, sport two nights a week and swimming, cubs and more sports at the weekend. He's always surrounded by other kids, they're just not related to him!

Thinking about it, parents I know with more than one kid spend most of their free time ferrying the children to their separate activities. I don't see much evidence of siblings spending huge amounts of time playing together. It's mostly just sitting down to eat dinner!

What else could possibly replace the joy of those deep family bonds?

The only thing me and my siblings have in common were our parents. We all had different interests and hobbies. I have a much closer bond with my friend of 50 years than I will ever have with my siblings.

No, never felt judged but then I’m in London and about 40% of my daughter’s class are onlies.

I've one dd12 and I don't think I've experienced stigma, if anything people appear jealous! Examples 'how do you have so much time to go to the gym and look after yourself', You're lucky you can afford to work pt, childcare for 2 has been so expensive' , 'you're lucky not to have to deal with kids fighting'.

I am generally a happy and bubbly person, I have an excellent career, earn very well, lovely dh, multiple holidays , time for gym, self care and socialising. My dc is also happy, healthy, sociable and achieving well in school and in their multiple hobbies. They have same age cousins and lots of friends so are never lonely! I would laugh at anybody who tried to pity or stigmatise me or my child tbh.

What else could possibly replace the joy of those deep family bonds?

This is such a bizarre thing to assume. People who post this always take for granted that a sibling relationship is automatically better than one with a friend.

Millions of people don’t have strong bonds with their siblings. My friendship bonds are far stronger than those with my siblings.

I'm one of five and can point towards one of my siblings as a huge influence for both my eating disorder and recreational drug use. Not their fault of course but they told me about the former as a way to stay slim (but that they couldn't maintain it) and gave me my first of the latter (3 years older than me).

I love all my siblings (now all in 40s) but don't lean on them for anything, I get my proper emotional support elsewhere, and could not fathom repeating the chaos I grew up in (we all fought like mad despite two parents who never ever modelled this). So I've had one. Best decision ever and DC is a fantastic, bright, empathetic and loving child who never fails to make buddies wherever we are.

I do find myself quite quickly telling people it's by choice but trying to stop that now as I've realised I'm doing it for ridiculous societal reasons (and we live in a village where everyone has 3).

Yes, I’d say that one of the things I have in common with a lot of my friends is that we have complex, though mostly civil, relationships with siblings, and very strong friendships for emotional support which far outweigh the sibling relationship. I also have quite a few friends with large numbers of siblings who’ve chosen to have one child or to remain childfree. I’m the eldest of five, and the only one to have a child.

My point was my family isn’t perfect- but to
me the number is, but to
my friends with 3 children it isn’t, nor to my friends with 1 child. We’re all different.

Also whilst I’m sorry for what you have gone through I’m quite sick of the narrative that infertility is the worst thing in the world.
we all hit nerves everyday, people lose their parents young (I did!), people have their partners die etc- why we have to be so ridiculously worried about mentioning anything that may upset people struggling to have kids over everything else is ridiculous.

I was thinking about this, to have this stigma for only children is really unfair. Children don’t choose these things and sometimes neither do the parents.

I don't understand this post - you imply your children don't have their own kids yet ("when they start having families") but say they are already planning holidays together - how far ahead are they planning these? Confused.....

Anyway, really came on to say I have an only child and have never experienced any judgement regarding this from anybody. I don't think anybody cares that much one way or the other to be honest! So (and I honestly don't mean this unkindly at all) could it be that you are feeling sensitive about the topic OP, and perhaps picking up on judgement that may not even be intended?

If people ARE being judgemental about this non-issue, when there is so much that is ACTUALLY BAD happening in the world, I would politely suggest that they get perspective .....