To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

@BashfulClam I think that can go either way

I've known only children who were grateful they could bash on with what they thought was best for their parents, without siblings having to be involved

And I've known people with siblings who had to do it on their own, and resented their siblings for not stepping up and helping

Hear hear, MrsBennetspoornerves. Of course it’s going to touch a nerve when someone claims your perfectly normal family set-up is ‘sad’. They can never give any valid reason why it’s ‘sad’, of course.

Yes, exactly.

I don't really worry that my dd will feel the lack of a sibling when it comes to sorting stuff out for me and DH when we're older, precisely because she has seen first hand that having a sibling - in my case, an older sister - is absolutely zero guarantee that you'll get help with it in any case. The care for my elderly parents (and indeed another elderly relative) falls exclusively to me.

DH and I will do as much preparation as we can to ease the burden on her, but I don't worry about her having to deal with it alone. She might have had to do that anyway.

There are estimated to be around 3.45 million two-children families in the United Kingdom as of 2021, with a further 3.46 million one child families, and 1.24 million families that have three or more children.

She may very well not be alone she may have a husband or wife or long term partner.
My husband is one of 3 siblings but only he will sort MIL’s estate in all likelihood aided by me who has known MIL over 30 years (one sibling disabled, one lives long way away and keeps self to self)
Friend (one of 3 siblings) has just dealt with full burden of her parent’s death, I don’t think it’s unusual that it often falls to one.
Mines an only and I honestly don’t give it thought.

Yes, that's very true. My DH does much more for my ageing parents than my sister does!

My 10.5 yo DD is an only. Never felt that there's any stigma. Kindly, it sounds like you might be feeling rather defensive

Do you not think that some of the comments on this thread are reflective of a stigma?

E.g. only children are sad, only children are to be pitied, you shouldn't be prepared to have children at all if you aren't prepared to "give" them a sibling.

I do not think that there is anything wrong with a single. I have a niece who was my brothers only child. I will admit to being one of those crazy people that had a second primarily because I didn't want my son to grow up without a sibling. I ended up having four more! Now you can call me crazy!

The worst I have had was someone at the school gates ask, ‘what would you do if your only died?’ To this, I was flabbergasted for a moment but then said, ‘I think I would respond in the same way as you would if one of your DC died, heaven forbid!’

I’ve heard this said before and of all the comments about having an only child that people make, I find this one the most bizarre.

It’s not as if a parent of three children would shrug and say ‘not to worry, we’ve got two others’ if one died is it?!

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

And I think people who make stupid comments like yours are insensitive twats who have no care for how much pain they might be causing for others who might not actually have any control over the size of their families. We are all entitled to our opinions, I suppose.

Hear hear, except I would disagree with you about these people being entitled to their opinions. The right to an opinion requires at baseline the capacity for a bit of critical thinking and common decency. These posters have neither and therefore they would do everyone a favour by keeping their opinions to themselves.

I find the people pretending to pity (but actually judging) others for what is quite often an accident of biology breathtakingly ignorant and offensive.

You are quite correct that there is no credible evidence whatsoever of a link between being an only child and feeling lonely or sad. There are posts from only children who were lonely or sad and posts from lonelies who loved it. To my knowledge no one has ever done a long-term study on the connection between being an only child and therefore its pure prejudice that only children are sad.

It's just simple-minded people lashing out at anyone and anything they consider not to be normative and pathetic one-upmanship dressed up as concern.

It’s ignorant regardless

I've heard this too. Weirdly, it was said to me by a woman who had very sadly lost her only child, with the clear implication that I needed to produce a "spare" just in case. As if a parent with other children wouldn't be every bit as devastated by the loss of a child.

Sadly, tragedy hits in various ways and I know a few people who have lost multiple children. Nothing comes with any guarantees.

Should we do the same with spouses just incase? 🙄 you can’t replace a child with a spare
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-south-scotland-65424579

how many D.C. should you have “ just in case” 🤦‍♀️

There isn't a stigma against only children. MN is literally the first and only place I have ever encountered strong opinions about only children being destined for miserable, lonely lives and that parents should "give" them siblings. None of the only children I know IRL have particularly strong feelings about it!

You are not like a kid though you are a parent It's no substitute for a sibling, very odd thing to say.

But MN is to some extent a proxy for normal life, it’s not a parallel universe. There are four or five posters on this thread alone who have expressed the view that it’s cruel not to provide children with siblings.

So there must be people hiding in plain sight who privately think having an only child is “sad” but have the sense to know what bigoted idiots they look like.

My ds aged 28 is an only child as is his wife
They look likely to only be having 1 child
Interestingly both mothers have told them our regret in them being only the child
They both feel never missed out as had close friends and cousins and have reaped the benefits of being only children with financial support and inheritances coming to them
So do what feels right for youb

It isn't necessary to substitute for a sibling though. No substitutes required!

I have an only child, and yes I have definitely felt a stigma attached. I work hard at my child not falling into the only child stereotype.

In an ideal world I would’ve liked another but for many reasons we decided against it.

So much emphasis is put on the importance of sibling relationships, and how they will support one another once parents have passed. But this is not a guarantee. My sibling ruined my life in the most unimaginable way. Then they died.
admittedly my circumstances were extreme, but my experience definitely shaped my view on having more than one child.

Now I’m generally pretty happy with our decision to stick with one, not least because they’re an expensive little bugger!

Try being a youngest child! So much BS sprouted about spoiled behaviour.

In my case, I was a well behaved child, who got zero attention because the older ones all had problems, and in spite of being a good kid, I had to live with the strict rules invented due to the behaviour of my hooligan siblings.

Interesting. Nice that they feel that way.

Does this make you and your son's MIL feel better, or do you still feel guilty?

Or is your regret less about the effect on your son and more that you would have enjoyed being Mum to another child?

I haven’t faced any stigma for having an only child yet (but DD is only 18 months) but DH got told at work he “has to have two” so they can play together, and that two is less work. I can say for sure that more laundry, bedding to wash, bedrooms to clean, dishes to wash, food to prepare, when older clubs to ferry to, mental load etc etc would be more work for me, I’d rather play with DD, even though DH can be relatively good I do more of the domestic load.

I often think the attitude of “you must have two” is not a feminist one. Why should a woman go through pregnancy and childbirth, loss of earnings and pension contributions on mat leave, a possible negative affect on her career, and in most cases take on more domestic responsibility, if she doesn’t want to? Surely in this day and age women can choose the family size they want (subject to fertility) whether that’s zero children, one child or four children.

I am actually infertile and needed IVF and now I have been so lucky to have DD I will not go through it again. I also have endometriosis and taking hormonal contraception that stops my period keeps me from enduring agonising pain so there will be no accidents even in the highly unlikely scenario that I could conceive naturally.

I absolutely adore DD, she is the best thing ever and I will do everything in my power to give her a happy, fulfilled childhood without a sibling, but I finally feel I have my body and life back after years of TTC (and endo pain), then injections and TV scans and surgery and early pregnancy loss and endless heartache, then pregnancy and sickness and breathlessness and heart palpitations and dizziness and debilitating anxiety, then traumatic and agonising birth, then months of post natal physical and mental healing. I feel I have my life back and now I get to live it and enjoy finally being a mum.

Only children or big gaps between children (4-5 years) are common in my friendship group. It’s usually finances and then I think they get past the baby stage and don’t want to go back to the baby stage. I have two
in nursery and the fees are eye watering. I took the view of getting it out the way - I didn’t want to go back to the baby stage and wanted them to be close enough to have similar interests. But I am fortunate in that our financial circumstances allowed us to write off my earnings to childcare for the 2-3 years.

I think most people understand the desire only to have one.

Imagine what you get when you say you don’t want any 😂. I’ve always said I didn’t want children, got the ‘oh your young you’ll change your mind etc’ I’m now late 30s still haven’t changed my darn mind! Also it’s soooo rude to ask why you only have one/don’t have any, people can have fertility issues on a second baby/health problems etc. Nosey Parker’s x