To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

I think it’s interesting that the people on this thread who deny any stigma (‘no one cares’) and that their ‘onlies’ are deliriously happy with holidays and ‘activities’ instead of dull old deadweight siblings are parents of onlies. But the posters actually giving reasons why there may be a stigma have been onlies themselves and had felt lonely and bereft in many different and unforeseen ways.

Maybe those that have strong feelings about it aren’t necessarily being judgemental, but just reflecting on a retrospective sadness or feeling that they wouldn’t wish inflicted on other children.

It is posts like this that are the problem in my view.

Because some only children have felt lonely and bereft, then the same must apply to all only children and the parents are obviously in denial? And people with siblings have never felt lonely and bereft because their parents have given them this magical gift of a sibling?

Bullshit. I am the parent of an only child, not through choice, and I certainly won't deny that there is a stigma. That stigma made me feel desperately sad and guilty for a few years, and worried for my dd's future. I only stopped feeling guilty when I realised that it was bullshit and that only children don't have to be sad or lonely at all.

I was far lonelier growing up with my sibling than my dd is growing up as an only child, because she is naturally more confident and gregarious than I was and has infinitely better social skills. That has nothing to do with whether she has siblings or not, it's just personality. The only difference is that, if an only child is sad and lonely, people will assume that it is because they are an only child. If a child with siblings is sad and lonely, people look somewhere else for the cause. Same if someone is shy, selfish etc.

The stigma is real, certainly. Because people like you are perpetuating it.

I didn’t know there was stigma with only having one child.
I’ve known in my life stigma for being born out of wedlock
stigma for being a single parent
thankfully those things are not not stigmatised but now I find being an only child is stigmatised - when did this happen?

I have seen a lot of these threads over the years. In my experience, it is not usually the adults who were themselves only children who like to perpetuate the negative stereotypes. There is usually a pretty balanced range of posts from these posters... some who disliked being an only child and others who were blissfully happy.

The people most eager to perpetuate it in my experience are usually parents of multiple children who somehow seem to see themselves and/or their dc as somehow being superior. God knows why they feel the need to do this. I'm not sure if it's down to ignorance, insecurity or something else, but it's very tiresome.

Some only children are unhappy growing up. Being an only child may or may not be a factor in that. Some children with siblings are unhappy growing up. Having siblings may or may not be a factor in that. Some only children have very happy childhoods. Some children with siblings have very unhappy childhoods. Neither is a determining factor.

DD is 15 and an only child, I've never noticed any stigma about it.

There was a study a few years ago that showed the only demographic of women who managed to catch up with the pay gap (and generally earned more than all other mothers later in life) were those who just had one child before the age of 35.

Perfect enough reason for me.

This thread is full of only child stigma

The thing is people air fake concern for only child based on them being lonely or difficulties looking after elderly parents on their own.
They also use lazy stereotypes (see thread above) 'only children can't share' 'only children can't do anything for themselves because their parents over indulge them' 'only children are introverts and socially crap' etc.

The thing is there are hundred's of thread on here with people complaining about their siblings, massive feuds over unfair sibling inheritance. Complaints where all the care for parents has been left to one sibling and their partner. There was recently a thread about severing contact with siblings permanently because they had caused so many problems within the family.

No-one ever stereotypes these people who have siblings even though the fact they had a sibling has caused no end of problems.

Can you imagine;
"Oh! you're having two kids? Poor things, they'll be feud's galore".
"You're one of two? Poor you, were you the favourite or the neglected one"
"Oh! you're having another one? Poor kids, they'll never learn to be content in their own company you know'

All stereotyping is ridiculous.

Absolutely. Some of the posts on that thread really pissed me off.

Some only children are unhappy growing up. Being an only child may or may not be a factor in that. Some children with siblings are unhappy growing up. Having siblings may or may not be a factor in that. Some only children have very happy childhoods. Some children with siblings have very unhappy childhoods. Neither is a determining factor.

This should really be the bottom line on this topic.

It’s ludicrous to suggest that the parents of onlies are the ones insisting there isn’t a stigma. Of course we know there’s a bloody stigma. Some of us do then become too defensive, but that’s only because we constantly feel we have to defend ourselves against stereotypes and baseless assertions.

I have three children, 4,3&3. They are less than 11 months apart. We are currently on holiday and I went for a swim with just my four year old and he said "I love it mum when it's just us on holiday". He loves his brothers, but loves time with me and his dad more

There’s basically no way of knowing whether being an only will affect your child negatively or positively. It depends on the family, the child, finances, the parenting, all sorts of variables. Some of which are out of the parents control. It’s the same with having siblings.

People get very defensive (both sides) on threads like this because none of us want to feel we have made the wrong decisions for our kids.

I don't think there is a stigma as such but I do think some people perceive it as a bit selfish and perhaps feel pity for the only. Rightly or wrongly.

But that is bloody stigma!

Honestly - is it any wonder we’re defensive when we’re told we’re selfish and our children are objects of pity?

No I don't get judged. Who are these people who spout negative clap trap to your face? Either they're friends who aren't real friends or they're acquaintances in no which case who cares.

I think there was more a stigma when I was growing up and some parents and the older generation still carry that. Back then it was more the norm for a family to be considered whole with a sibling and a Mum and a Dad which is not the case these days. I believe the younger generation will not carry the stimga as these days families are diverse and also children are being brought up to embrace diversity (whatever that might mean in a family context).

My mum had lots of kids too. It was usually me (from about age 7) who was responsible for all the kids when we were in the pool. Including my 1 year old brother. One thing parents with lots of children don’t realise is that if you’re not also wealthy it’s your eldest child who ends up doing the parenting with none of the recognition.

If you had a large family you'd be told you were selfish too. People will always have an opinion on other people's business. Usually these generalisations comes from close minded, unimaginative people, best to just ignore.

I think you might want to look up the definition of ‘stigma’.

Well I have multiple DC and my eldest never parents the younger ones, but that's the stigma always thrown at larger families.
And even if I we offer to do things apart they usually prefer to do things together.

@Wenfy, did you see in my post that my children are 11 MONTHS apart? My 4yr old is definitely not supervising my twin 3yr olds.

Not sure how your experience is similar to mine to be honest

@usererror99

It's not a choice i would have made for my child personally - I think if you are prepared to bring one child into the world then you should be prepared to have a sibling

Can you explain the rationale for this statement please?

I genuinely can't understand this argument that there is an obligation to either have multiple children or not bother.

I only think it bothers you if it hits a nerve.
I think being an only is sad, I think having 3 kids is insanity. If someone with 3 children looks at me and thinks 2 isn’t enough, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

And I think people who make stupid comments like yours are insensitive twats who have no care for how much pain they might be causing for others who might not actually have any control over the size of their families. We are all entitled to our opinions, I suppose.

And yes, it does hit a nerve for me because I wasted years worrying about this issue for absolutely no reason because of crass, ignorant people like you telling me that my child is "sad" because I miscarried her only sibling. I now understand that there was no need for me to worry in the slightest because the stereotypes are all nonsense and my dd is happy and thriving without siblings. I am totally at peace with the fact that I wasn't able to have a second child because it has worked out brilliantly for us and I would plan it that way now if I had my time over. However, I didn't always feel like that, and I'm acutely aware that parents who are still in that very painful phase of coming to terms with the fact that they might not be able to have any more children - for whatever reason - will not necessarily recognise this bullshit for what it is, and they will suffer more because of it.

So much of the sadness that I felt during those early days was the direct result of stupid comments from random strangers and not because of any actual negative impact on my child from being an only child....because there hasn't actually been any negative impact. And no thanks, I have no need to find fault with your perfect two-child family but I do absolutely take issue with your thoughtless and insensitive comments. And all of the others on this thread. Do you really want to make people who may have already struggled with multiple miscarriages and/or with health issues that mean they can't have another child feel even worse about this than they already do?

You can't understand it because it's just illogical fuckwittery that has no basis in anything.