To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

*Garethkeenansstapler · 15/05/2023 16:14
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 15/05/2023 16:10

I don't think there is a stigma. I never judge about child number choices; actually I lie, I judge people (specifically men) who have more children than they can provide for, financially or emotionally. I know plenty of people who have one very happy, well adjusted, sociable child.

Why men more than women out of interest?

I would never judge a single mum (or dad) with full or majority pr who is struggling to make ends meet. Its a fact of life though that single women with children are the ones most likely to live in poverty. Behind many single parents struggling alone there is an absent father living his best life, being Disney Dad every other weekend.

I don't think acknowledging that there are cons is judging you. I personally don't think having an only child is a big deal, but then I've never been one.

I've known a few only children, one hated it, the other wasn't bothered. Obviously these pros and cons will change over life.

It's ok for people to acknowledge negatives about any lifestyle, as long as they aren't rude with it. Providing all of your positives doesn't negate the negatives, that do exist (as with any choice there's always pros and cons).

My DS is now 10. Rude People still ask why on earth is he an only child when he is such a good child and we are good parents (this is the lead up to the rude question)

I then go into long detailed facts about my gynaecological history, other (ir)relavant medical details and DS's unseen medical history.

They never ask again.😎

DS does go through stages where he would love to be a big brother- but I've told him as well there's no more babies coming to this house. And 3 is our magic number.

You do you. Siblings are great but if you want one have one.

One drawback about being an only can be if you as an adult go on to have multiple DC. I’m my case, both of my parents are only children but had a big family themselves.

They have been amazing, devoted, loving parents to all of us (and our own families) and we all adore them both BUT they are not the best at dealing with disagreements between their children as adults. Sadly there have been a fair few of those in the last few years.

To be honest this one of many reasons why I decided to stick at one. I grew up in such a quiet, calm house as an only child, the thought of having the constant noise and stress of bickering children (as I have experienced as a child when visiting friends and as an adult when visiting friends with multiple small children) fills me with horror.

My partner constantly fought with his brother and hated it too, so neither of us wanted to experience that.

Honestly? No one cares. Bar possibly granny. Any comments are made to make conversation.

DD is an only child. When she was a baby, people would comment on it, but I pointed out that I had horrendous SPD, a horrendous back to back birth, was 36 years old and my consultant advised me not to have any more. Then XH walked out just after DD turned 4. It usually shuts people up.

DD now 15, would have loved a sister growing up, but she had a good friend who lived across the road, and they spent a huge amount of time together and I took her on holiday with us etc. She had a great childhood playing with all the kids in our road, riding their bikes, paddling pools etc. I made sure that she was never lonely. We spent our holidays in caravan parks when she was younger so that there were other children around her and she loved it and always made a friend.

As a teen she chooses to spend time with me, watching tv and playing on the switch etc and not closeted in her room on her mobile texting friends.

(For transparency DD does have a half-sibling 7 years younger however she didn't see them that often growing up and now she sees maybe once a year, but as much as she would love to spend more time with them, its out of her hands).

I think prejudice against only children is real. I'm an only & am also the mother & daughter of an only. People are very judgemental.

It doesn’t matter how many you have someone will comment about something. I had an only for 5 years. He would be lonely, shy, when I’m dead he will have nobody.

I then had 2. That was the perfect number, one of each. How lucky I was.

Then DC3. Did I not own a TV. The world is burning and ive contributed etc etc etc.

I just nod and move on now!

Nonsense. When I ‘make conversation’, I talk about the weather or something, I don’t say ‘A lonely only? You can’t only have one — that’s really selfish?
!’

I hate comments like this. My teen DS is an only because I have long-term health problems, was very seriously ill twice in the years after having him, spent a long time looking after my dad when he was very ill, and then lost baby no. 2 in a very traumatic miscarriage (which admittedly not very many people know about), which caused a massive flare-up of my autoimmune condition. I feel horrendously guilty about it because I was a very lonely only and hated it, but I have always gone out of my way to encourage his friends to come round, take friends on days out etc., and he's old enough to understand now that a lot of the things he's had in his relatively privileged upbringing would not have been possible if we'd had more than one. He has never really expressed much desire for a sibling, bar the occasional throwaway comment when he was very young.

Is there a stigma? I've not noticed.

Lots of people I know, myself included, have just the 1 child.

Never heard anything disparaging towards it.

I have one due to secondary infertility. I felt very judged when dd was little. Lots of people told us that we were selfish not to "give" her a sibling. Others warned that we were making a rod for our own backs. That she would grow up unable to share or lacking in social skills etc. That she would be isolated and lonely. I was quite honestly astonished at how freely people felt that they could share their views and it made me really worry for dd's future.

I haven't heard any of those comments for years. The fact is, dd is not the sad, selfish loner that those people predicted - quite the contrary, in fact. She is very confident, exceptionally thoughtful and generous, and absolutely fabulous at connecting with other people and making friends. Far more so, as it happens, than many of her friends with siblings.

Just ignore the prejudice. It will not be relevant after the first few years in the slightest because your dc will be judged for who they actually are rather than for the stupid fucking stereotypes.

In my experience, it’s heavily geographically-dependent. As I said up the thread, of the three places I’ve lived longterm since having my (only) DS, I never had the slightest comment in London or the city in which we live now. About 95% of the negative comments I’ve ever had were from the seven years we lived in a large village where people seemed deeply suspicious of deviations from their ‘norm’.

Very rude response! I say again no one actually is particularly interested people do spout cliches about family size mainly just for something to say and sensitive new parents take the inane comments to heart.

But what you said is demonstrably nonsense. You’re still saying it.

Saying ‘Have you only the one?’ or ‘Do you plan to have more?’ could be ‘spouting clichés about family size’, if the interlocutor is unimaginative and has run out of clichés about the weather.

Telling someone they’re selfish, or exclaiming that they simply can’t just have a lonely only, it’s not fair on the child, and what will they do when you’re old/dead, or trotting out some stereotype about only children being spoilt and unable to share, isn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, ‘making conversation’. Unless you have the social skills of a Neanderthal.

And I’ve never been remotely sensitive about my decision, only bemused at some people’s rudeness or weirdness.

If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

No, not at all.

I only read about only child stigma on mumsnet, which says a lot about the parents on here.

That’s my biggest issue with these stupid comments, that noone even knows what’s the reason for having one child (and very often it is infertility, health issues etc)(not that there is anything wrong with just wanting one) - and people still go for it and say those comments out loud??

Fwiw I know many adult only children (including my DH) and they’re lovely sociable caring people.

No, they don't think to ask for the reason.... not that it's any of their business in any case. They just barge in and tell you how selfish you are and how your dc will suffer for it.

Usually I just ķept my reasons to myself, but sometimes I would make them squirm by telling them that I had miscarried dd's only sibling. That was usually enough to shut them up.

If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

Only here on MN. Any child displaying selfish or immature behaviour is immediately suspected to be an only child. Any parent who is too precious or overinvested in their kid is immediately suspected of being parent to an only child. I've seen it on here this week.

Some posters seem to think having more than one child makes them a superior parent in some way.

Love this post 🙌🏼

OP please ignore those people, it's none of their business. It's your choice and great you are happy about it and I'm sure you child is also really happy.

I have 3 DC and very happy with my choice too. And yes, you are right. It's undeniable that it takes a lot of energy to raise every child and they absolutely cost a fortune, even more when they grow up (and you want to give them everything). Yes, the good side is that they get on very well with each other and it's great to know they have each other. But single children have good friends too.

But you will have more time, money and undivided attention to your child. That is fantastic. x

@WeekendInTheBoondocks Thank you! 💚 Love your username-peep show reference?

I do like these type of threads. There are so many only children, there should be no stigma attached to it anymore. People don't mention often enough how good having 1 child can be both for the children and their parents!

It's not a mumsnet thing.

I'm in my 50s and not in the UK, and still get it. If the fact that I'm an only child comes up in conversation people generally react. Either 'oh really, I would never have guessed!' or 'now I think about it, it's quite obvious' depending on whether or not they're arseholes. (Or maybe it's whether or not I'm being an arsehole ). Either way, they have a preconceived idea in their heads about only children.

It does sting, tbh. But I was generally very unhappy as an only child and desperately wished for siblings.