To ask why there is still such a stigma on only children?

[BettyBoopBetty]

DC is 3 and will most likely stay an only. For a mix of reasons really but mainly we both don’t particularly desire another one and the financial burden for full time childcare x2 (London) is something we are not willing to compromise on again. We’d have much more time, energy and resources to dedicate to our DC this way and we are very loving and involved parents. Still, when I tell people about our choice, they often judge and can’t wait to start telling us stories of how unhappy X’s childhood was as an only, how nice it is to have siblings etc etc.
I know some people who didn’t particularly want a second but did it anyway to give number 1 a sibling - I think it’s nuts!
If you have an only, have you found that people in general tend to judge you for it?

“I don't understand this post - you imply your children don't have their own kids yet ("when they start having families") but say they are already planning holidays together - how far ahead are they planning these? Confused.....”

They are young adults with their own separate lives but still looking at family occasions like Christmases and holidays in the future with their partners and any children they may have. People can still dream about what may happen in the future, no?

We all have other friends and acquaintances but our main gatherings and outings throughout the year are always with family and extended family. Think those images of big multi generational Italian families eating together al fresco - that’s us!

I think they see a time when they can host and have families of their own, cousins playing together. It may not happen of course, but at the moment they enjoy coming together as young adult siblings and socialising together.

Well, no. Your point wasn't that because that isn't what you said. Your point was that only children are "sad". And that was a crass insensitive thing to say which merely reflects your own ignorance.

And yes, infertility - certainly secondary infertility- isn't necessarily the very worst thing that someone could possibly go through, but that does not make it OK to make pointless and potentially hurtful comments about other people's families. What a curious way of looking at the world...worse things could happen to people so it's OK to put the boot in? I do hope that you aren't teaching your children those values.

But that’s my opinion, just like some people will think 2 children is selfish if they can’t have their own bedroom, a holiday, a private education. Everyone’s choices are different, I appreciate yours wasn’t a choice but really why does it matter?! As I said we all hit nerves everyday- but we are allowed different opinions.
I think it’s optimum for a child to have a mother, I don’t have to pretend that statement isn’t true just because I didn’t get to be raised by mine.

Yes, it's your opinion. And it's my opinion that you're a deeply unpleasant person for spouting your ignorant opinions in the full knowledge that others might find them hurtful, for no apparent reason other than to be able to feel superior about your own family.

As for why it matters, I don't personally give a shit what you think, because your opinion is ignorant and therefore worthless to me. However, I do give a shit about the people who may be struggling with the reality of not being able to have a second child, and about the fact that your pointless opining about how sad only children are might make them feel worse than they already feel. You clearly don't care if you cause others pain for no reason, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't matter.

I am madly envious of those who stopped at one!

There isn't

Comprehension really isn’t your strong point is it. I hope you get help for that chip on your shoulder and I’m sorry for your struggles.

People ask me all the time and I have two. Two boys who are just the best. But I still always get are you going to try for a girl LOL.
Had it loads or this is why you need a girl.
Buzz off with your daddy issues.

Which part of your post have I failed to understand? Please clarify.

As for having a chip on my shoulder? No, not really. I just get irritated by smug, ignorant people who post shit on the Internet without really knowing anything about what they're actually posting.

I am perfectly at peace with my own family now, thank you, and knowing what I know now, I wouldn't actually have it any other way. So I don't need help, but thanks for the faux concern. I simply recall how incredibly anxious I was in the early days about having an only child, and I know how much ignorant comments from random strangers fuelled that unnecessary anxiety. I would rather that others don't have to go through the same.

If it makes you feel better to dismiss my calling you out on your shitty behaviour as me having a "chip on my shoulder", then so be it. Some people are sadly incapable of reflecting on how their behaviour impacts on other people, and it doesn't sound like you care enough to change in any case.

I just have the one and have only come across judgement from one other person. Dd is very happy, confident and sociable. She has her own room, loads of toys, gets to take part in any clubs she wants, gets brand new clothes, foreign holidays, annual passes to her favourite places. We can do things together and she gets all of my attention. But equally, I get a sleep in, I can have a few hours to myself. I'm not wrangling several bored kids if I want to go to the shopping centre or go get my nails done. I had her when I was young, so unless something tragic happens, she'll be in or nearing retirement before she is worrying about my old age. I am 1 of 5, and only 2 of us will be in a position to support my parents when they get old. I have a brother in prison, another in residential care due to a brain trauma in his 20s and a sister who has severe anxiety and struggles to leave her room. I will most likely have to take over their care when my parents are gone, so siblings are not always guaranteed support (and can be a further burden).

I agree. That’s why I don’t get when people say only children have to deal with elderly parents all alone… but surely once they are adults they’ll have a partner, maybe kids, hopefully friends to support them?

That’s why I don’t get when people say only children have to deal with elderly parents all alone… but surely once they are adults they’ll have a partner, maybe kids, hopefully friends to support them?

I was a single parent when my mum needed my support...my children were too young to really understand what I might have been going through. Friends, sure. But you're missing the point of having to make decisions - life changing decisions - on your own, worrying about the impact, whether you're right or wrong. I don't think it matters how much help you do or don't have. It's still a very lonely place to be.

But you're assuming that people with siblings will have support in making those decisions. That isn't always the case, though.

I have a sister. Everything in relation to my elderly parents falls to me. It would be no different if I was an only child...except perhaps I would resent the absence of a sibling to help instead of just resenting the unhelpful sibling.

But you're assuming that people with siblings will have support in making those decisions. That isn't always the case, though

no, no assumption. I k ow having siblings is not a guarantee of anything at all.

I have a sister. Everything in relation to my elderly parents falls to me. It would be no different if I was an only child...except perhaps I would resent the absence of a sibling to help instead of just resenting the unhelpful sibling

I have no resentment. None at all. I wasn’t an only child by any kind of choice. It’s just the way it worked out for my parents. Neither had any expectation I should look after them or take responsibility for them but I loved them and that’s just what you do, isn’t it? I don’t resent what I went through with my mum’s diagnosis, putting her in a home and then managing her funeral. I am desperately sad there was no one to share that with and no one who could genuinely reassure me that all things considered, the decisions I made were the right ones. Whatever ‘right’ might mean.

I can see how that would feel difficult, but it is not always a help to have siblings to share decisions. When my mum was ill in hospital, the Drs told us we should consider stopping her routine dialysis sessions as it was unlikely she would recover and it was putting her through too much. One sibling agreed it would be best to stop and let her slip peacefully away, another was adament they wanted to not give up on her, the other could see both sides and sat firmly on the fence.

It is a nightmare scenario when there is no agreement , I would have much rather have had advice and support from elsewhere and then made an informed decision.

Not RTFT but to describe the attitudes towards an only child as a stigma is ludicrously overstated.

No-one has ever judged me to my face, but then I don't go around accounting for my DD's only child status as well as possibly knowing normal people who mind their own business.

There are are only two reasons for not having children: you want one and can't or you don't want one, and neither is anyone else's concern.

OTOH DD told me a teacher said it was a pity she (DD) was an only child. DD was annoyed as was I.

There isn't. It's only on MN

My only child is 8yo. Doesn’t want a sibling AT ALL.

They go to a private school and there’s a lot more one-child families there compared to when I sent them to a local kindergarten / day care.

I don’t think there’s a stigma anymore about only-children but there is still the odd person who thinks it’s cruel etc etc